tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-168812492024-03-13T10:01:14.941-04:00My Favourite Bathtime GurglesSometimes, the worst thing you can do is a good job.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18435473760294052609noreply@blogger.comBlogger241125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16881249.post-8880421519833869082015-02-01T14:24:00.001-05:002015-02-01T14:25:50.614-05:00ROMINS: Angela's Ashes<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;">Brief Disclaimer: I have never seen the movie "<i>Angela's Ashes</i>", nor have I read the book. ROMINS stands for "Reviews of Movies I've Never Seen".</span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Angela's Ashes in Angela's Urn</td></tr>
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<i>Angela's Ashes</i> is an Oscar-winning film, based on the Tony-winning Broadway musical, which was in turn based on the Teen Choice Award-winning novella which was based, loosey-goosey, on television's short-lived television sitcom, "<i>Who's the Boss</i>".<br />
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<i>Angela's Ashes </i>tells the story of retired major league baseball player Tony Micelli (played quite ably by two <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000362/" target="_blank">Danny deVito</a>s stacked in a tall man's overcoat), now living alone in a one-bedroom apartment in SoLo (an area of New York now inhabited soley by people suffering from depression). We learn that Samantha (played passably-well by the corpse of <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0455630/" target="_blank">Sam Kinison</a>) had long ago moved to South America to follow her life-long dream to insult ten thousand llamas.<br />
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Tony receives an unpleasant surprise when a delivery person (played poorly by <a href="http://www.merckmanuals.com/home/digestive_disorders/anal_and_rectal_disorders/overview_of_the_anus_and_rectum.html" target="_blank">Donald Trump</a>'s forehead) delivers a bombshell. Not a real explosive, mind you, he's not a terrorist, but rather a metaphorical bombshell in the form of a package. A package containing an urn. Guess what's in that urn? That's right, it's Angela's Ashes. Because she died. What a twist, totally took me by surprise, didn't see that coming at all. So, like the kids say, 'spoiler alert'.<br />
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Tony is stunned to learn of Angela' death, and decides to seek out Mona Robinson (played aptly by television's <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0141846/" target="_blank">Nell Carter</a>) who for reasons we never adequately explore has somehow managed to outlive her daughter. Tony learns from Mona that Jonathan has also died from the same whatever-it-was that killed Angela. I don't know, I really had to pee at this point. And then I washed my hands and went and got a refill on my popcorn, because that's free at this theatre. Pretty good deal there, you bet.<br />
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I got back to the movie just in time for Tony's final monologue, musical solo, interpretive dance routine, and prostate exam. Such an emotional roller coaster, and let me just say, there wasn't a dry seat in the house.<br />
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All in all I give this movie three thumbs up over two thumbs down multiplied by two thumbs up over three thumbs down. Solve for X.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18435473760294052609noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16881249.post-34649085554840748112014-07-12T16:29:00.000-04:002014-07-13T09:18:48.955-04:00ROMINS (Reviews of Movies I've Never Seen): Transformers 4: Age of Distinction<div align="JUSTIFY" style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
What
can I say about <i>Transformers 4: Age of Distinction</i> that hasn't
already been said about Hitler? A corollary of Godwin's Law tells us
that once Hitler is mentioned in any way, the value of any further
communication has effectively ended. This is the kind of thing that
<i>Transformers 4</i> does to the human soul.</div>
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<i>T4</i>
(I will shorten <i>Transformers 4 </i><span style="font-style: normal;">to</span><i>
T4</i><span style="font-style: normal;"> from now on, much in the same
way one would rather suffer a series of controlled gags as opposed to
actually vomiting) tells the story of <b>Rory Callhoon</b>, internet
billionaire and international Playboy. We follow </span>Rory as he gets the latest Playboy centerfold tattooed on his back and then flies to disadvantaged countries and lifts up his
shirt to benefit poor perverts. <span style="font-style: normal;">Rory is world famous for
inventing the world's first toaster that what also turns into a toy
submarine (The <i>TubbyToaster</i>). Rory is ably played by television's
Nell Carter.</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://i.imgur.com/EyTgl5C.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="207" src="https://i.imgur.com/EyTgl5C.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This early prototype was designed to brush teeth, but later<br />
went on to star in micro-porn as Sextoi the Transformer.</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
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<span style="font-style: normal;">Rory
falls in love with <b>Gloria Callhoon</b> (no relation) played by that woman
who frowns in sparkly vampire movies. Gloria, however, is in love
with robots, and is obsessively trying to create the perfect man out
mannequins and bits of broken Roombas. Rory tries to win her heart
but fails. He resolves to try again, only this time with the help of
robots that not only are robots, but can turn into other things, like
cars and trucks and airplanes, which is the one and only cool thing
about this movie.</span></div>
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<span style="font-style: normal;">So
Rory goes and, I don't know what, makes or finds or steals some cool
new robots that can turn into other things and they're called
Transformers, because in the '80's that was a pretty big word to most
people. (</span>Remember, before 1982, most people didn't know
what the word “extra-terrestrial” meant.<span style="font-style: normal;">) Rory flies in at the head of a changey-robot army which can
pretty much do anything, but Rory, being male, uses them to impress
girls. Or, in this case, one girl, that Gloria person who probably
isn't Rory's second cousin or something.</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i.imgur.com/aJnKiUL.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i.imgur.com/aJnKiUL.jpg" height="320" width="275" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Vacca-byte's deadly kiss sucks out autisms and injects<br />
a powerful toxin that kills viruses and brain cells</td></tr>
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<span style="font-style: normal;">Keep
your eyes peeled for a veritable bukkake of cameos (bukkcameos?) by
such noted stars as Lorne Greene as <b>Decomposo</b>, Jenny McCarthy as
<b>Vacca-byte the Child Imperiler</b>, Danny Devito as “</span><i>Was
that Danny Devito over behind that mailbox</i><span style="font-style: normal;">?”,
Mel Gibson as <b>Oldman Anchor</b> and Britney Spears as the <b>Girl Who Gets
Uncomfortable with Him Even Being Here</b>.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div align="JUSTIFY" style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<i>Transformers
4: Age of Distinction</i><span style="font-style: normal;"> was filmed
in the great state of Texas, which explains why so many of the
background performers look like meth heads. I give this move however
many thumbs it takes to communicate the utmost possible contempt.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-style: normal;">---------------------------------------------------------</span><br />
<span style="font-style: normal;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><b><i>End Note</i>:</b> This was a very
difficult review for me to write, for I am still dealing with the
stress I suffered after watching <i>Transformers 1 (The Turdening)</i>. ROMINS are, as they claim, reviews of
movies I have never seen. I review a movie I haven't seen. That's the
gag.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="background-color: white;">Now just because I review
a movie I haven't seen, doesn't mean I don't want to see it. In fact,
I usually do want to see the movies I am reviewing, and most often
do. But this time, I will not watch
be watching this movie. I won't watch <i>Transformers 4</i> because I was warned away by <i>Transformers 1</i>.</span></div>
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<br />
<span style="background-color: white;">Sequels
inevitably water down and, given time, eventually ruin the
franchise. The first Matrix movie was awesome. The second was ok, and I
liked the first enough to want to like the second. The third was
kinda crap. If they had only made the first Matrix movie, and ended
it there, then the Matrix would probably rank as one of my favourite
movies of all time. But it doesn't, because when I think of the
Matrix, mixed in with the wonderful memories are memories of crap. Even
the
best meal, cooked by the world's greatest chef, suffers somewhat if
someone
drops turd on the plate.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="background-color: white;">Accepting that even the best moves movies are degraded by sequels, I wondered, oh so many years ago,
what kind of crap is the <i>Transformers </i>series going to devolve into? <i>Transformers 1 </i>made me not watch <i>Transformers 2</i>, but I listened to what people had to say
about it. Generally, they said it was good eye candy, but otherwise
kind of crap. They said the same thing about <i>T3</i>, but phrases such as
“not really worth the eye candy anymore” began to creep into
people's reviews.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="background-color: white;">From what I hear, <i>T4</i> is
pretty much four different types of crap sandwiched between two stale
Triscuits (which are later revealed to be, in fact, compacted cow
crap). So this is pretty much my first <b>ROMIWNS</b> - Reviews of Movies I Will Never See.</span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18435473760294052609noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16881249.post-63398732660671270452013-12-01T13:44:00.001-05:002013-12-01T13:46:20.423-05:0076 Pandas - Day 5 of 76Still not really much good at painting a straight line, and the ears here are rather lopsided. But then, considering the face, I suppose that's just fitting. :)<br />
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Finally laid in a supply of sketch paper, so bye-bye little blue lines!</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfzdRK-XKY-60vg4V2yzUzboilXAf4emiH8kmWJZNVFtrLiFKCVvriFXsvy2RQ-rFvhb39rta2YBx6q8fV-gg6GyCqrDPrS3-lPUu1J3WkczkpQ__eCjswOBNJJAPzni2QjcgSVQ/s1600/Panda+Painting+05+-+Wobbles.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfzdRK-XKY-60vg4V2yzUzboilXAf4emiH8kmWJZNVFtrLiFKCVvriFXsvy2RQ-rFvhb39rta2YBx6q8fV-gg6GyCqrDPrS3-lPUu1J3WkczkpQ__eCjswOBNJJAPzni2QjcgSVQ/s1600/Panda+Painting+05+-+Wobbles.JPG" width="300" /></a></div>
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</div>
<li>If you'd like to view the pic full sized <a href="http://i.imgur.com/oNFZWpd.jpg" target="_blank">click here</a>.</li>
<li style="text-align: left;">If you're so inclined to do so, feel free to head on over to the <a href="https://support.worldwildlife.org/site/SPageServer?pagename=donate_to_charity" target="_blank">WWF's donation page</a> and make a donation.</li>
<li style="text-align: left;">If you'd like to help but are short on cash, you can <a href="https://support.worldwildlife.org/site/SPageServer?pagename=can_home" target="_blank">Take Action here</a>.</li>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18435473760294052609noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16881249.post-17930436993356243642013-11-30T13:06:00.002-05:002013-11-30T13:06:44.594-05:00Day Four of the Poorly Painted Panda Series - 72 to go!This is my fourth attempt at a panda painting. I think I'm coming along, and definitely notice improvement over day 1. This is my first panda to look like it wasn't painted by an alcoholic elephant, so there's that. :)<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyFf3raWzzSM01RCjw4prJybPokKaEQCqLuvhekK7W7HcgV9OepUFKFEFmDWijA6JLGKAAK0y_AexT6n0Pn_8iSsL1tscjJusXNFJFXCV6daUjgstm9ud48Qs4U0MaJjqEsnbsGw/s1600/Panda+Painting+04-+Lined+Paper+3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyFf3raWzzSM01RCjw4prJybPokKaEQCqLuvhekK7W7HcgV9OepUFKFEFmDWijA6JLGKAAK0y_AexT6n0Pn_8iSsL1tscjJusXNFJFXCV6daUjgstm9ud48Qs4U0MaJjqEsnbsGw/s1600/Panda+Painting+04-+Lined+Paper+3.jpg" width="300" /> </a></div>
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<br />
<br />
<li>If you'd like to view the pic full sized <a href="http://i.imgur.com/QlYBxJ6.jpg" target="_blank">click here</a>.</li>
<li style="text-align: left;">If you're so inclined to do so, feel free to head on over to the <a href="https://support.worldwildlife.org/site/SPageServer?pagename=donate_to_charity" target="_blank">WWF's donation page</a> and make a donation.</li>
<li style="text-align: left;">If you'd like to help but are short on cash, you can <a href="https://support.worldwildlife.org/site/SPageServer?pagename=can_home" target="_blank">Take Action here</a>.</li>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18435473760294052609noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16881249.post-60429397994208288662013-11-29T19:20:00.002-05:002013-11-29T19:22:42.931-05:0020 Hours of Pandas - Day 3 of 76<div style="text-align: justify;">
My third attempt at painting a panda. I'm working on the theory that
if you spend 20 hours practicing something you'll eventually get good at
it. So far that theory remains to be proven in my case.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Please pardon the lined paper. The whole "panda project" thing was
something of a whim for me so I haven't laid in a supply of sketch paper
yet.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgh7z5AeQcgLb8vjIJ1y9Q6fD0-OEjfcm-JRKJbOVPFb1NoOBdiR2hmhE8dTsMzEZBqioPhRmh7FP16t5P6bhTH8-LmKhkiumzohyphenhypheni5TbQIrH7Gz9nSjuQIEHMgIEz3zGH68OWBLw/s1600/Panda+Painting+03-+Lined+Paper+2.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgh7z5AeQcgLb8vjIJ1y9Q6fD0-OEjfcm-JRKJbOVPFb1NoOBdiR2hmhE8dTsMzEZBqioPhRmh7FP16t5P6bhTH8-LmKhkiumzohyphenhypheni5TbQIrH7Gz9nSjuQIEHMgIEz3zGH68OWBLw/s1600/Panda+Painting+03-+Lined+Paper+2.JPG" width="300" /></a></div>
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<div style="text-align: left;">
</div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<li>If you'd like to view the pic full sized <a href="http://i.imgur.com/iBhpj77.jpg" target="_blank">click here</a>.</li>
<li style="text-align: left;">If you're so inclined to do so, feel free to head on over to the <a href="https://support.worldwildlife.org/site/SPageServer?pagename=donate_to_charity" target="_blank">WWF's donation page</a> and make a donation.</li>
<li style="text-align: left;">If you'd like to help but are short on cash, you can <a href="https://support.worldwildlife.org/site/SPageServer?pagename=can_home" target="_blank">Take Action here</a>.</li>
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</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18435473760294052609noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16881249.post-23715674555900696362013-11-28T08:52:00.001-05:002013-11-28T08:52:53.712-05:0020 Hours of Pandas - Panda #2 of 76So after painting my first panda on canvas, I realized it would get pretty expensive painting each attempt on canvas. I only had lined paper on hand so I will have to paint on lined paper until I can grab some sketch paper.<br />
<br />
Panda #2 isn't the prettiest panda in the world, but a definite improvement over #1!<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEha4vsDyCJaksiCZf7YcCfyFwHZd8Tv2s8TjrTmBwRmRHTxu3xBnkP6w3ZMsL3oozSsjZhHa86Ukl7VzXvPriab4pvrFIETUyhAa5ptqyUTPOQwv5XEEaU-rz8ZsAzSZ1eqHGi0TA/s1600/Panda+Painting+02+-+Lined+Paper+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEha4vsDyCJaksiCZf7YcCfyFwHZd8Tv2s8TjrTmBwRmRHTxu3xBnkP6w3ZMsL3oozSsjZhHa86Ukl7VzXvPriab4pvrFIETUyhAa5ptqyUTPOQwv5XEEaU-rz8ZsAzSZ1eqHGi0TA/s1600/Panda+Painting+02+-+Lined+Paper+1.jpg" width="300" /> </a></div>
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<br /></div>
<br />
<ul>
<li>If you'd like to view the pic full sized <a href="http://i.imgur.com/oZzSpxZ.jpg" target="_blank">click here</a>.</li>
<li>If you're so inclined to do so, feel free to head on over to the <a href="https://support.worldwildlife.org/site/SPageServer?pagename=donate_to_charity" target="_blank">WWF's donation page</a> and make a donation.</li>
<li>If you'd like to help but are short on cash, you can <a href="https://support.worldwildlife.org/site/SPageServer?pagename=can_home" target="_blank">Take Action here</a>.</li>
</ul>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18435473760294052609noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16881249.post-42500973494614073622013-11-27T16:44:00.000-05:002013-11-27T16:52:42.695-05:0020 Hours of Pandas - Day One<div style="text-align: justify;">
I heard somewhere that if you spend 20 hours doing something, say painting, or learning the guitar, etc. you will get good at that activity. I'm not a very good painter and decided to put this theory to the test. I wasn't sure what to paint, and definitely didn't want to tackle anything too ambitious, so I did an image search for a simple black and white drawing.</div>
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<div style="text-align: justify;">
Eventually I stumbled across a simple panda painting which, at the time, I erroneously assumed was the logo of the <a href="http://worldwildlife.org/" target="_blank">World Wildlife Fund</a>. It wasn't, actually, but I decided I liked it and would paint my own version. I wasn't expecting much, and I wasn't disappointed.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
So here it is, without further ado, my very first attempt at painting a panda.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWXvM7Gc1JL_srhSYrkTM12pD4IeMukvDABBrOJW2N-hITbzKwMA0lhG5VnEzuXcNZWlcwh-lVWuimYtKyjDOAhTPdsMNerHuK8U_SVchV_13pl5iz3vtrVT8Z3JZdrihl51LdQw/s1600/Panda+Painting+01+-+First+Try.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWXvM7Gc1JL_srhSYrkTM12pD4IeMukvDABBrOJW2N-hITbzKwMA0lhG5VnEzuXcNZWlcwh-lVWuimYtKyjDOAhTPdsMNerHuK8U_SVchV_13pl5iz3vtrVT8Z3JZdrihl51LdQw/s1600/Panda+Painting+01+-+First+Try.jpg" width="300" /> </a></div>
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<br /></div>
<ul>
<li>If you'd like to view the pic full sized <a href="http://i.imgur.com/bndWgZw.jpg" target="_blank">click here</a>.</li>
<li>If you're so inclined to do so, feel free to head on over to the <a href="https://support.worldwildlife.org/site/SPageServer?pagename=donate_to_charity" target="_blank">WWF's donation page</a> and make a donation.</li>
<li>If you'd like to help but are short on cash, you can <a href="https://support.worldwildlife.org/site/SPageServer?pagename=can_home" target="_blank">Take Action here</a>.</li>
</ul>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18435473760294052609noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16881249.post-49466804147785690942013-11-12T16:28:00.000-05:002013-11-12T16:28:08.743-05:00The Difference between my Cat and my Dogs<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b>Feeding a piece of hot dog to my dogs:</b> </div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i.imgur.com/gIdYjdz.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="237" src="http://i.imgur.com/gIdYjdz.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Actual pets not as pictured.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
1. Take a piece of hot dog.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
2. Hide it anywhere in the house, so long as it is on the floor.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
3. A dog will find and eat the piece of hot dog within 15-45 seconds of release.<br /><br /><b>Feeding a piece of hot dog to my cat:</b></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
1.<b> </b>Take a piece of hot dog.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
2. Find the cat.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
3. Show the cat the piece of hot dog.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
4. Hold piece of hot dog directly in front of cat's nose for 15-45 seconds until cat realizes piece of hot dog is edible.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
5. Place piece of hot dog on ground directly in front of cat.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
6. Point to piece of hot dog. Tap on the ground several times until cat notices piece of hot dog.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
7. Wait until cat decide to eat piece of hot dog. This can take several minutes. Do not leave before cat eats piece of hot dog, or else a dog will it it in 15-45 seconds.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18435473760294052609noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16881249.post-75694511736214733252013-08-03T22:40:00.002-04:002013-08-03T22:46:18.520-04:00Netgear is Stoopid<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i.imgur.com/ayHOez1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="198" src="http://i.imgur.com/ayHOez1.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is not my NIC, but it sure looks like it.</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I needed drivers for my Netgear USB wireless network thingy. I know I can easily get the driver from any number of 3rd party sites, but I figure, hey, what the heck, let's give the manufacturer a try, shall we? Because I'm motherfucking <i>optimistic.</i><br />
<br />
I hit Netgear's site and I find the device driver download page quickly and easily enough. I think, "Good for you, Netgear. Have a biscuit."<br />
<br />
But Netgear isn't about to let me have my file so easily. No, no. Netgear want's something in return. Netgear wants to <i>trade</i>. Netgear's website informs me that I can have the driver, but first I have to register on their website, giving my name and address and email address and stuff.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
And I think, "Really Netgear? Ya gotta get all up in my grill and require a login when like, a bazillion other sites have your drivers just sitting there, no registration needed?" Is this customer service? I ask you! No really, I do.<br />
<br />
So now I'm like, great, I wasted my time and tried Netgear when I should have just visited a reliable 3rd party drivers site. Fuck you, optimism.<br />
<br />
But then I think, "Hey, maybe I can lift the driver download url directly from the page's source code." I figured it was highly unlikely that a multimillion dollar company would be foolish enough not to hide the link.<br />
<br />
But, as established earlier, I am an motherfucking <i>optimist</i>, so I looked at the source code. Did a search for ".zip" and lo and behold, there was the direct download url for my driver.<br />
<br />
So to sum up:<br />
<ol>
<li>Netgear makes it easy to find drivers on their site.</li>
<li>Netgear demands your personal info in return.</li>
<li>About a BAZILLION third-party websites have the drivers without demanding your personal info.</li>
</ol>
<b>Conclusion</b>: Fuck you Netgear.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18435473760294052609noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16881249.post-75856593404735043612013-06-20T19:23:00.000-04:002013-06-20T19:23:26.690-04:00Why I love the TV Show "Archer", by Asher Hunter, age 47<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<i><span style="font-size: x-small;">[<b>Note</b>: I'll try to keep
this spoiler free, but there are a few I can't avoid.]</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<i><span style="font-size: x-small;">[<b>Another Note</b>: I refer to
those involved in the show as “them” and “they”, and not to
any individual creative element, because I believe the show functions
as a team, and every aspect and element of the team behind “Archer”
excels. All the factual information you need on the show can be <a href="http://Archer (TV series) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia" target="_blank">found here.</a>]</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<br />
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">
<a href="http://i.imgur.com/L5aroAh.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="149" src="http://i.imgur.com/L5aroAh.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
I love "Archer"
because it evolves. I tend to enthuse so much about Season 1 because
I look at it through my "now" eyes instead of remembering
back to my "then" eyes. It is true it took them about 6-8
episodes to really find their stride, working through some basic
character elements, etc. Pam, for example, is by far NOT the person
she seemed to be in the first few episodes.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
That said, they do find
their groove quickly, and once they do they don't make the mistake of
letting it turn into a rut. They're not afraid to offend, and yet the
characters retain an essential humanity that makes me like them all.
God help me, Dr. Krieger is everything I would hate in a real person,
and yet love in Krieger.The jokes themselves
evolve, and although they do go the same well fairly often, they
always come back with a new variation on the original that keeps
things fresh and organic.</div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i.imgur.com/8BTtUy7.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="173" src="http://i.imgur.com/8BTtUy7.png" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><strong>"Uta!" That's how you talk.</strong></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
The litany of bad guys
has only one flaw. SO many villains I love come and go so quickly I
never really have time I need to enjoy them all. I want more Conway!
More Mannfred and Uta! More Spelvin and Chan(s)! Charles and Rudy!
Honestly, these characters are so great it's almost a crime this show
isn't spitting out spin-offs like some sort of spitting thing that
spits out a lot of other things.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
Now, don't get me wrong folks, I love Ray and Woodhouse, but I'm going to focus on my favourites. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
As for the main
characters:</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<br />
</div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i.imgur.com/qICV6XO.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="173" src="http://i.imgur.com/qICV6XO.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">First of all, it's "Dr. I'll Solve Your Ant Problem."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
Dr. Krieger. I should
hate this guy. Like really, really. No spoilers, but jeez, the more
you find out about Krieger, the more you keep wondering why the FBI
hasn't made him Public Enemy #1. And yet, for some reason, I like
him. He definitely keeps things interesting. He is the Venn Diagram
where chaos and science overlap.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I didn't care for her at
first, but once Pam found her backbone, I was like, wtf. Looking
back, I think maybe she was playing possum at first, trying to fit in
at ISIS, and keep her private life a secret. Eventually she realized
that you probably can't keep secrets from spies. Luckily she had also
realized everyone else working their was bat-shit crazy, she saw fit
to unleash her inner bad-ass.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<br />
</div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7aLnMYwQYRdAxh16C3zLeaKFsD5jBMedhhl_dGOcpstRwOi1gm8n-24SMKa5jock3Mq8Xans0YexJuKt8EAaKeSFok1F5KIho9gK-GJZpgrQ1Je1-rNg0Vo2PJT-Re3Cyu5tQBw/s1600/archer.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7aLnMYwQYRdAxh16C3zLeaKFsD5jBMedhhl_dGOcpstRwOi1gm8n-24SMKa5jock3Mq8Xans0YexJuKt8EAaKeSFok1F5KIho9gK-GJZpgrQ1Je1-rNg0Vo2PJT-Re3Cyu5tQBw/s320/archer.jpg" width="251" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It has to be your place. Mine totally reeks of ocelot piss.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
It's a damned good thing
Cheryl's rich, because there's no way she could function in society
without effectively-limitless wealth behind her. Her idiosyncrasies
are bizarre, dangerous, unhealthy, and yet somehow cute, like say if
a puppy was somehow firing a .50 caliber machine gun at a bus full of
grade-school bullies.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
Now Cyril is the kind of
guy I love to hate. He seems straight-forward and honest at first,
but soon reveals his inner douche. His neediness and insecurity act
as feedback loops guaranteeing he'll live the exact life he fears to
live, and yet he seemingly revels and rejoices in his own downward
spiral. So yeah, it's a laugh when bad things happen to him.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
Malory Archer I believes
sets the adage: you can't be a good parent and a good spy. Malory
appears to be okay with this, and has no problem enjoying making life
bad for her son. Her parenting ranges from criminal neglect to
deliberate, pointless cruelty, and yet she somehow manages to
maintain a precariously-balanced dysfunctional relationship with
those around her. I believe Malory Archer and Lucille Bluth would
love meeting one another.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<br />
</div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg48n7zhiCNbCc43v5QJfhaCsjOV1neq0DTXUQ47Kd0Z8MxfWnmNn-Z5FALYcSm9FLsGDlt8gXfE7KejjcDLcvl1sKa-NpbTNF437crgOu8dP9joBGDuPW9yoqHa4WmsjpU16OJjQ/s1600/Lana_Kane_medium.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="205" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg48n7zhiCNbCc43v5QJfhaCsjOV1neq0DTXUQ47Kd0Z8MxfWnmNn-Z5FALYcSm9FLsGDlt8gXfE7KejjcDLcvl1sKa-NpbTNF437crgOu8dP9joBGDuPW9yoqHa4WmsjpU16OJjQ/s320/Lana_Kane_medium.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Baby, I AM putting you in the corner!
</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
I would say Lana's the
closest to an actual functioning adult at ISIS. She's bad-ass, and
knows when to apply excessive force, and isn't shy about redefining
the word "excessive" based on the situation. When someone
acts irrationally and things get messed up as a result, Lana's among
the first with a barb. However, act irrationally and somehow manage
to achieve actual positive results, and Lana is smart enough to go
along for the ride ... while still slinging a few piercing barbs
along the way.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
Archer. I would love this
guy in real life. Don't get me wrong, he's a dick, but he knows he's
a dick, is happy being a dick, and doesn't really care what anyone
else thinks about that. Malory's parenting provides us with the
ability to still love Archer, because no matter how bizarre his
behaviour gets, we can't help but believe - in light of his
upbringing - that he's actually a pretty well balanced guy. And he
really is a good spy. A bit like “Get Smart” was a good spy, but
he gets the job done. Archer may also be autistic, which is awesome.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<br />
</div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgl1Fi6i0lpm3EZbMZQCmEc4quy2pMpIyl4fBUEooyp-R7TUcUAtLDyBm_LeEzmy_X4MfvpORFusCMP25L-FT6zSKvPd7uP3GfCVcoEXBOo4r_1rZTh2BRjnKLQC7S1qTlhit_IFA/s1600/ArcherCast.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="192" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgl1Fi6i0lpm3EZbMZQCmEc4quy2pMpIyl4fBUEooyp-R7TUcUAtLDyBm_LeEzmy_X4MfvpORFusCMP25L-FT6zSKvPd7uP3GfCVcoEXBOo4r_1rZTh2BRjnKLQC7S1qTlhit_IFA/s320/ArcherCast.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Something something danger zone. I know. I'm not even trying anymore.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
Despite their various
severely deformed personality flaws, I like all the main characters.
First, because they're funny. Secondly, and I think most importantly,
because they are, for the most part, honest about who they are. They
own their idiosyncrasies proudly, and (apart from Cyril) they don't
try to hide from who they are. If they do something that offends,
they don't hide behind false apologies (well, except again for
Cyril). Their attitude is basically: “That's right, I <i>did</i> do
that, now what are <b>you</b> going to do about it?”</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18435473760294052609noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16881249.post-88178707056219264212013-05-17T16:31:00.000-04:002013-05-17T16:34:01.563-04:00The Story of Why I Hates Me Some Chickens<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i.imgur.com/K9rN8vh.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://i.imgur.com/K9rN8vh.jpg" width="316" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Chickens are Racist.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span id=".reactRoot[139].[1][4][1]{comment10152811735740562_40032282}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][1]"></span><span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" id=".reactRoot[139].[1][4][1]{comment10152811735740562_40032282}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2]"><span class="UFICommentBody" id=".reactRoot[139].[1][4][1]{comment10152811735740562_40032282}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0"><span id=".reactRoot[139].[1][4][1]{comment10152811735740562_40032282}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[0]"><span id=".reactRoot[139].[1][4][1]{comment10152811735740562_40032282}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[0].[0]">I
helped on my grandmother's farm for one summer. I got to know the animals. Cows are gentle and stupid. Horses
are fun and surprisingly friendly. Pigs are smarter than I'm comfortable with. Goats are tough,
but fair.</span></span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" id=".reactRoot[139].[1][4][1]{comment10152811735740562_40032282}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2]"><span class="UFICommentBody" id=".reactRoot[139].[1][4][1]{comment10152811735740562_40032282}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0"><span id=".reactRoot[139].[1][4][1]{comment10152811735740562_40032282}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[0]"><span id=".reactRoot[139].[1][4][1]{comment10152811735740562_40032282}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[0].[0]">But chickens are little jerks. Like, if you took the meanest
girl in high school and bred her with</span></span><span id=".reactRoot[139].[1][4][1]{comment10152811735740562_40032282}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[3]"><span id=".reactRoot[139].[1][4][1]{comment10152811735740562_40032282}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[3].0"><span id=".reactRoot[139].[1][4][1]{comment10152811735740562_40032282}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[3].0.[0]"> the most psychotically violent guy and then cloned that baby over and over again, the covered the offspring with feathers and gave them beaks and very sharp claws.</span><br id=".reactRoot[139].[1][4][1]{comment10152811735740562_40032282}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[3].0.[1]" /><br id=".reactRoot[139].[1][4][1]{comment10152811735740562_40032282}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[3].0.[2]" /><span id=".reactRoot[139].[1][4][1]{comment10152811735740562_40032282}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[3].0.[3]">You
know what chickens do when one of them gets injured? They peck it to
death. You know what chickens do when one of them gets sick? They peck
it to death. They fight constantly, violently. Pretty much any situation
which involves a momentary disadvantage to one chicken will result in all the other chickens pecking
the first chicken to death.</span><br id=".reactRoot[139].[1][4][1]{comment10152811735740562_40032282}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[3].0.[4]" /><br id=".reactRoot[139].[1][4][1]{comment10152811735740562_40032282}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[3].0.[5]" /><span id=".reactRoot[139].[1][4][1]{comment10152811735740562_40032282}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[3].0.[6]">When
collecting eggs I learned quickly that you wore the leather gloves, not
to keep bird poop off your hands (but yeah, that too, because chickens
shit on EVERYTHING, including seed they themselves are eating) but to protect you from violent pecking. Because chickens
want to peck you. They're not like cutesy Disney farm cartoon chickens that
cluck Beethoven's Fifth as they pump out nice clean eggs. They are evil, malicious twat-demons that are, I am
reasonably certain, descended directly from velociraptors.</span><br id=".reactRoot[139].[1][4][1]{comment10152811735740562_40032282}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[3].0.[7]" /><br id=".reactRoot[139].[1][4][1]{comment10152811735740562_40032282}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[3].0.[8]" /><span id=".reactRoot[139].[1][4][1]{comment10152811735740562_40032282}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[3].0.[9]">Even chickens hate chickens. I'm sure now and then a really nice chicken is born, but then the others peck it to death. I'm actually thankful that chickens are such little shit-Hitlers (shitlers?) because I don't feel guilty when I eat them. And it's like all that hate and anger somehow makes them very, very tasty. Which I do appreciate.</span></span></span></span></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18435473760294052609noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16881249.post-77007151579937976932013-04-24T18:40:00.000-04:002013-04-24T18:40:25.731-04:00FAUX-FAUX-BEEF FAKE VEGAN MEALS<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i.imgur.com/CfWVFii.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="250" src="http://i.imgur.com/CfWVFii.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Restauranteur Cal Cooper defends from allegations his 'vegan' meals contain beef.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><b><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="color: red;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></b></span></span></b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><b><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="color: red;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></b></span></span></b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><b><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="color: red;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">"VEGAN" MEALS CONTAIN BEEF. DEFENSE LAWYER SPEAKS OUT</span></b></span></span></b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><b><span style="font-size: xx-small;">AT</span>V News</b>, Los Angeles - Apr 24, 2013</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"> </span> </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Is beef poisonous? Just where in the law books does it talk about irony? These are the questions being asked by Arnold Schwarz, lawyer to accused "vegan unfriendly" restauranteur, Cal Cooper. Said Mr. Schwarz, "There is no such thing as a beef allergy; people simply are not allergic to beef."<br /><br />Mr. Schwartz's defense for Mr. Cooper capitalizes on two basic facts: beef is not toxic, and irony is not a legal concept. Mr. Cooper's "Hug-A-cow" restaurant menus do clearly state that meals contain beef. Critics of this defense point out that the menu was written in a deliberately ironic style, indicating to the sophisticated reader (through frequent use of italicization and quotation marks) that meals did not contain beef. However, when read literally, paying no attention to these so-called "indicators of irony", the menus do, in fact, state that all meals contain beef.<br /><br />At the bottom of each page in the Hug-A-coW menu (a copy of which was liberated by reporters) is printed the following disclaimer. </div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><b>Warning: </b>All 'Hug-A-cow' meals contain "beef" so delicious we call it "beef". Our "beef" contains tofu, black beans, lentils, and one extra super-secret "special" ingredient. (Don't worry allergy sufferers, there are no real secrets here. All ingredients are listed in this menu.)</i></span></span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Actual Hug-A-coW Menu</td></tr>
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"Read literally, the menu does indeed inform the potential diner that meals contain beef," Mr. Schwartz said in defense of the menu. "While the use of quotation marks may be a literary allusion, they have no special recognition under the law."<br /><br />According to legal rights expert Professor John Connor, Mr. Schwarz is "...technically correct." Professor Connor went on to say, "While the use of italics and quotation marks may be a literary allusion indicating irony, they do not connote any particular legal meaning. Indeed, the concept of irony itself is not recognized under the law."<br /><br />As for Mr. Schwartz's health claims in regards to beef allergies, according to medical expert Dr. Lena Headey, he is right. "While an intolerance may have very similar symptoms as an allergy, they are different. Allergies produce Immunoglobin antibodies in response to the substance in question. A food intolerance does not."<br /><br />"Furthermore," Dr. Heady continued, "actual cases of food intolerance are extremely unusual, and are usually caused as the result of a tick or chigger bite. The fact is, allergies to soy and tofu are far, far more common than beef intolerance. Far, far, far, far more."<br /><br />"The facts in this case are clear," said Mr. Schwarz. "My client did not put anyone's health at risk. He did not violate any laws. The choice to be vegan is, for most, a moral decision. Moral decisions are decisions of individual choice, and individual responsibility. No business owner can be held responsible for his customers' moral and/or karmic condition."<br /><br />We spoke with Mr. August Crew, noted area vegan and one-time ardent diner at Hug-A-coW. Mr Crew is president of AMIBM (All Meat is Bad Meat), a grass-roots organization that arose in response to the discovery that their so-called vegan burgers contained very real cow flesh. AMIBM is currently considering launching a class-action lawsuit against restauranteur Cal Cooper.<br /><br />"Look, that guy, Cal? Cal Cooper? His menu is literally dripping with irony. I mean, you'd open the menu and irony would literally drip down into your lap and stain your pants. Every time Cal said the word 'beef' he would always wink, or tap his nose, you know? The whole restaurant was built out of irony."<br /><br />Can beef be declared unsafe for human consumption? Should our laws be written to take the concept of irony into consideration? These questions remain yet unanswered as state prosecutors continue to examine the case to determine whether or not to press charges.<br /><br />Hug-A-Cow is located at 819 Ocean Avenue Road, down the street from the Sun&Stroke Suntan and Personal Massage Boutique. Due to increased local demand they are now open Monday to Friday from 10 am to 1 am, Saturday from 7 am to 2 am, and Sundays from 10 am to 11 pm. Reservations are strongly recommended.</div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Photo Credit:
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/7540965@N05/2249220370/">uhuru1701</a>
via
<a href="http://compfight.com/">Compfight</a>
<a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/">cc</a></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18435473760294052609noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16881249.post-43817186890402200382013-04-20T23:30:00.002-04:002013-04-20T23:43:47.235-04:00Top 10 Tips for Success<div style="text-align: justify;">
Success. It's important, because without success, nobody would know who was better than whom. So, if success = yes, then how do you and I gain success? What are the steps to success? Can I google map it? If not, is there a place where I can learn how to success? The answer is yes to all those questions, no to several you didn't ask, and none of your gosh-darned business to that one you were thinking about in the shower.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Follow these tips and you will be rolling in it. For Real.</td></tr>
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So wait no more. Just look below and read these, the <span style="color: lime;"><b>Top 10 Tips for Success</b></span>, which are more-or-less guaranteed* to make you successful beyond your wildest dreams of avarice. Which is a <i>good</i> thing.<br />
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1. <span style="color: lime;"><b>Don't Think - Do It!</b></span> Take risks! Risks are fun, and profitable, and often times lead to orgasms. If you want something, go for it! Do not try and justify every action you make. Morality is just a word, and if we didn't have dictionaries we wouldn't even know what it meant, so ergo morals are stupid. Why settle for safe and secure when you can have more than you need or deserve? Why ask yourself "What If"? Instead, ask yourself "Why the fuck not?"<br />
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2. <span style="color: lime;"><b>Make your Own Opportunities</b>.</span> Why wait for opportunity to knock? Head outside, figure out which door he's currently knocking on, and take the success-hoarding whoremonger out from behind.<br />
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3. <span style="color: lime;"><b>Have a Plan</b>.</span> Plans are good. Especially escape plans. That's just like, rule number one. Ok, it's rule number 3 here, but still. Have a plan, and stick with it. Never improvise, because that means your plan failed, and that means you're a failure, and <i>that</i> means your dad was right about you. Set goals that are just a little bit out of your reach, as unachievable expectations fuel your <strike>psychosis</strike> drive to succeed.<br />
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4. <span style="color: lime;"><b>Stay Motivated</b>.</span> Find the parts of you that are lazy and unproductive and kill them with your motivation. When you start getting what you want you may be tempted to slow down and actually enjoy them. Fuck that. Keep your eyes on the prize, the prize being that aforementioned unattainable and unrealistic goal that prevents you from actually reaping the benefits of your hard work.<br />
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5. <span style="color: lime;"><b>Be Patient</b>.</span> Rome wasn't built in a day, but it only took Alaric the Visigoth three days to sack it.<br />
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6. <span style="color: lime;"><b>Reward Yourself</b>.</span> As we work and strive to obtain our deepest desires we often forget to stop and reward ourselves for doing what we want in the first place. Each time you reward yourself, try to outdo the last reward in style, value and substance. Remember, this is your own love you're buying, so don't be stingy!<br />
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7. <span style="color: lime;"><b>Do not Stop Learning</b>.</span> Learning may sound stupid, but smart people take things from stupid people like, all the time. Even if you already think you know everything, chances are someone knows something you don't, and you need to know that thing if you are going to use it against them.<br />
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8. <span style="color: lime;"><b>Learn to Delegate</b>.</span> It's surprising how much unpaid labour you can get out of friends and family, especially if you use words like "favour" and "a quick hand" rather than "help me move" or "collate those for me".<br />
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9. <span style="color: lime;"><b>Raise your Standards</b>.</span> Always live one step above what you can actually afford. Money is attracted to money, and the richer people think you are, the more things they will give you for nothing. No matter what you achieve, you deserve better. No matter what car you drive, you really wanted the one you couldn't quite afford.<br />
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10. <span style="color: lime;"><b>Be Thankful</b>.</span> No, seriously. Stop laughing. Be thankful you're one of the achievers, the gainers, the leaders and drivers of society, and not some useless bearded tit who thinks it's funny to make fun of people who could buy and sell him.</div>
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* Far, far more less than more. Like 90% less. Well, 100% less to be more or less totally honest. This guarantee is in no way shape or form a guarantee.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18435473760294052609noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16881249.post-16375328827235943592013-04-06T23:51:00.000-04:002013-04-07T00:55:49.545-04:00Faux-Faux Pas! So-Called "Vegan" Restaurant Caught Carving Cow!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://i.imgur.com/nk9pyn0.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="250" src="http://i.imgur.com/nk9pyn0.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="color: red;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">POPULAR LOS ANGELES VEGAN RESTAURANT CAUGHT SERVING <span style="font-size: large;">REAL </span>MEAT</span></b></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><b><span style="font-size: xx-small;">AT</span>V News</b>, Los Angeles - Apr <span style="font-size: xx-small;">7</span>, 2013</span><br />
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When Cal Cooper first opened his all-vegan restaurant Hug-A-coW last year, neighbourhood residents were thrilled. While there were already many restaurants in the area offering a large and varied vegan selection, Hug-A-coW was the first to restaurant to cater entirely to vegan-only cuisine.</div>
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"The vegan <i>Shamburger</i> was incredible," says Dakota Washington, a local-area dental hygienist. "You could not tell the difference between the Shamburger and real meat."</div>
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This turned out to be more true than Dakota and other area-residents could have imagined. Independent laboratory analysis of a Hug-A-cow "Shamburger", obtained undercover, indicate there's a lot more going between the gluten-free buns (which, incidentally, tests indicate contain gluten) than just tofu.</div>
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After spectrograph analysis and testing, we have determined that the provided sample contains primarily 100% Grade-A, extra-lean, high quality cow meat." This according Dr. Samuel Snakopan, a gastric microbiologist at UCLA. "There's some other stuff in there too, like some onion, garlic, a surprising amount of bread crumbs, and a very small amount of what we are pretty sure is parsley. So to be fair, it's not entirely 100% <i>non</i>-vegan either."</div>
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Be that as it may, many local vegans have a mock-beef with Hug-A-Cow owner Mr. Cal Cooper. Mr. Cooper himself could not be reached for comment, releasing only a brief press release through his lawyers.</div>
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"While Mr. Cooper does not acknowledge or even necessarily believe that these vile and hateful claims are true, he does hasten to point out that beef isn't actually poisonous or anything."</div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i.imgur.com/NfJBmq5.jpg" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://i.imgur.com/NfJBmq5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Photo-insert from a menu liberated from Hug-A-coW.</td></tr>
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Unfortunately the Shamburger was not the only ersatz-pseudo-meat on the menu. Another local favourite was the <i>Mis-steak and Kidney-Bean Pie</i> which, according to the menu, contained soy, kidney beans, and other tasty vegetables.</div>
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Said Dr. Snakopan, "It's got steak and kidneys in it."</div>
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Local residents have been picketing Hug-A-coW ever since word first hit the streets some three days earlier. Protests have been mostly peaceful, but tempers have flared from time to time, with several reported incidents of pushing, pinching, and hurtful name-calling.</div>
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One resident, Mr. August Crew, went so far as to stage an impromptu one-man show on the restaurant's front step. The performance was largely allegorical, with a surprising amount of dancing, and ended as Mr. Crew pretended to eat a Shamburger, put his finger down his throat, and vomited on the front door of the establishment.</div>
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Samples of Mr. Crew's vomit were later presented to Dr. Snakopan at UCLA. "Subject's vomit contained soybacon, tofurkey, some actual meat, pasta, a baked potato, and some gum. And, for some reason, a button."</div>
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Some of the more passionate vegans amongst the protesters have formed a grass-roots organization known as AMIBM, or "All Meat is Bad Meat". There are rumors amongst the picketers that AMIBM may be considering launching a possible class-action lawsuit against Mr. Cooper. When asked if they had chosen legal representation, August Crew, Chairman of AMIBM, said, "While lawyers are throbbing parasitic leaches attached to society's teat, there comes a time when someone does something so vile, so abhorrent, that the only sensible thing to do is to throw him into a pit full of throbbing parasitic leaches."</div>
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Hug-A-Cow is located at 819 Ocean Avenue Road, down the street from the Sun&Stroke Suntan and Personal Massage Boutique. They are open Monday to Friday from 10 am to 11pm, Saturday from 7 am to 1 am, and Sundays from 1 pm to 7 pm. Reservations are recommended, but not required.</div>
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Photo Credit:
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/7540965@N05/2249220370/">uhuru1701</a>
via
<a href="http://compfight.com/">Compfight</a>
<a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/">cc</a>
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18435473760294052609noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16881249.post-81932250440530325862013-03-11T20:56:00.001-04:002013-03-11T21:01:45.660-04:00The Answer, My Friend, Is Blowing in the Wind (Mobile, that is)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">
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I've had a cellphone with Wind for a couple of years. I've been generally happy with their service, even though coverage has been spotty at best. However, I loved the price - $40 a month. That covered unlimited calling in North America as well as a whole bunch of bells and whistles, but the important thing from my perspective was the <b>unlimited data plan</b>. Because I am a data whore, and I'm an all-you-can-eat kind of data whore.</div>
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I <i>hate</i> the in ridiculous price gouging that most major cell phone providers engage in when charging for internet access. When I got my Wind phone, I checked around, and the cheapest comparable plan with unlimited data was $95/month with Bell. Wind was a great deal.</div>
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Times change. Now pretty much everyplace I go has free wi-fi. I didn't really need the data plan anymore. I decided to change my monthly Wind plan to the $20/month plan. Like a virgin on her wedding night, I asked myself, "How hard could it be"?</div>
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I went to Wind's website. I read webpages, I looked in faqs, I used the site's help and search features. Nowhere could I figure out how to change my plan online. There was a LOT of useful information about how I could sign up if I wasn't already a customer, but I couldn't find out how to change plans if you were already signed up. Which I was. So the website couldn't help me, but if I wasn't already a customer, it could have helped me. I guess Wind prefers to stress "potential customer service" over actual customer service.</div>
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So I sent them an email. Wind responded promptly the next day, telling me I had to call the customer service number and they could change my plan for me. So I called customer service number. A nice recorded message came on telling me that, instead of bothering a nice Wind agent, I could go to their website and do whatever it was I had to do online. This annoyed me a tad, because (a) the website had already failed me, and (b) I just want to talk to person, dammit.</div>
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After being gently scolded for not doing my business online, I was allowed to access the automated menu. I listened patiently to the options. Then I listened to the options again. Then I listened to the options a third time. Nothing about changing plans. The closest I could come was "If you are a new customer and would like to sign up for Wind mobile, Press 5". I pressed 5, and got a person right away, whom I will call Steven. Even though I wasn't a new customer, Steven was happy to help me.</div>
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Here's a bit of background: my old plan was $40 a month, billed monthly, on a pay as you go basis. The great thing with Wind is there's no contract, so if you don't pay the bill one month, the only thing that happens is your phone doesn't work for that month. If you top up half way through, you're charged a pro-rated rate for the remaining time in the month, which is quite fair.</div>
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I hadn't paid for the month of Feb 13-Mar13 (my billing period) until today, so the automated system charged me $13.00 for service (that's prorated for 3 days of service). I tried to change my plan before I paid, but I was told that I had to have an active account in order to close it and change to another account. Don't ask me why.</div>
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So I paid $13 to get my phone working, and called Wind and finally reached Steven. I asked Steven to change my plan from the $40/month to the $20/month. He said sure, no problem. Very polite fellow. He clicks a few buttons then tells me "We'll have to add an <b>account activation surcharge</b> (or some such gobbledygook), so with your next month's payment, surcharge and taxes, that will be <i>$31.00</i>".</div>
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I was confused. I explained to Steven that I just paid $13 not twenty minutes ago. I told him I was changing to a plan that costs $20, so it seemed to me like you take my 13, subtract it from 20, and I owe you seven bucks.</div>
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I can't exactly replicate what Steven said next, because frankly it wasn't making much sense. What it did boil down to was Wind was going to just keep my $13 bucks I had paid not 20 minutes earlier. That was gone. Then they were going to close my old plan, open a new plan charged at $20 a month, then charge me a further $11.00 penalty.</div>
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"No sir, it's not a penalty, it's an activation fee," says Steven, one presumes with a straight face.</div>
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"Well Steven, if it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and costs me $24 bucks like a duck, it's a penalty. You're really starting to make Koodoo sound like a good idea."</div>
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Pause.</div>
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"Well sir, I will tell you, what I can do for you today sir is I will close your old plan and apply your $13.00 to a new $20/month plan. You will be charged $7.00 for the difference."</div>
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"Thank you Steven. Let's do that."</div>
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It saddens me that I had to threaten to change to another company to get reasonable help. Wind, why must you make "customer service" a house of lies?</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18435473760294052609noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16881249.post-74329882894912161282013-01-10T23:19:00.001-05:002013-01-11T01:18:55.033-05:00ROMINS (Reviews of Movies I've Never Seen): Les Misérables (Semi NSFW)<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Nell Misérables</td></tr>
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Wow. I have to admit, I have never been so moved by a movie I have never seen before. Right from the beginning, people talking about how stirring Les Misérables is grabs hold of your heart and wrings every bitter-sweet drop of joy/sorrow from your heart, then fills it up again with sadness and death. Quite uplifting.</div>
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Les Misérables tells the story of Becky, a young French Prostitute and part-time kiln played quite ably by television's Nell Carter. Becky had trained in school to be a nanny, but had all chance of a normal life stolen from her by an unfortunate accident involving a footstool, a hand mirror, and a vat of chemical lobotomy fluid.<br />
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Forced into a life on the streets, young Becky runs into Fagan or something (played by Wolverine). They get up to all sorts of shenanigans, comical kerfuffles, and humorous hullabaloos, but always remember to take time to get deeply depressing again and sing about it.</div>
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<a href="http://i.imgur.com/0aIA6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://i.imgur.com/0aIA6.jpg" width="163" /></a></div>
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Watch for cameos from such famous people as Christopher Lee as Captain Fancypants (<i><b>Note: </b>The scenes starring Captain Fancypants were later cut from the finished film. Rumour has it, Mr. Lee was furious)</i>, John Stamos as Mr. Inexplicablynude, and John Travolta as the Magical Revolving Outhouse, who sings the stirring "<i>How Long Before Jersey Shore does Porn?</i>".</div>
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Apparently before Les Misérables was a movie, it was a big hit with the musical theatre folks on Broadway. Of course, back then it was called "Sweeney Todd", only when they made the movie they took out the bits about killing and eating people. I think. Come to think of it, there were some hungry people in Les Misérables, and some of them do disappear without any kind of explanation...</div>
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I give this movie two thumbs down, in the traditional Roman way.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18435473760294052609noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16881249.post-86384871288795447392012-12-16T23:53:00.001-05:002012-12-17T11:51:39.297-05:00Handy Tips On Waking Up in the Morning<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i.imgur.com/viQ67.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="http://i.imgur.com/viQ67.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Can't wake up? Try smothering yourself with a pillow.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Waking up in the morning can be difficult. Well, not really, a bit of
discipline and some self-responsibility is all you need, but we're a
self indulgent lot, so getting out of bed is hard for us.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
In order to stop oversleeping and get out of bed right away, there are a number of steps you can follow:</div>
<ol style="text-align: justify;">
<li>Pay a friend to set your bed on fire in the morning.</li>
<li>Place your coffee pot right next to your bed. Set the timer for when
you want to wake up (if your coffee pot doesn't have a timer, you are
poor, and everyone mocks you when your back is turned). Fill it with
coffee grounds and water the night before, but instead of putting a
carafe under the spout to catch the piping hot nectar of the gods, rig
up a funnel and plastic piping to have it pour directly into your face
as you sleep.</li>
<li>Never go to sleep in the first place.</li>
<li>If you have a spouse/significant other who sleeps with you and gets
up before you, leave them a note for them to find in the morning. In the
note, tell they you are breaking up with them because their genitals
smell like a Caesar salad that's been left out in the hot desert sun for
3 days and then shat on by a syphilitic goat. There's no way you'll
sleep through that.</li>
</ol>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Follow these handy Bad Life Tips and I personally guarantee* you will never sleep in again.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<hr style="margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px;" />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<sup>*Guarantee</sup> <sup>not</sup> <sup>valid</sup> <sup>if</sup> <sup>read,</sup> <sup>mentioned,</sup> <sup>or</sup> <sup>discussed</sup> <sup>in</sup> <sup>any</sup> <sup>way,</sup> <sup>shape</sup> <sup>or</sup> <sup>form.</sup></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18435473760294052609noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16881249.post-59825851828465271872012-07-17T19:56:00.000-04:002012-07-17T19:56:21.251-04:00Sarah Palin 2012 – Why Sarah Palin Will be the Republican Nominee for President<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b>Disclaimer</b>: I do not support or endorse Sarah Palin in any way. I do however believe that the GOP is going to make her the Republican presidential nominee for the November elections. This is why:</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Once upon a time, like a year or so ago, the Super Secret Shadow Council of Rich White Guys Who Run the GOP got together to figure out who would be their next presidential candidate. They took a good, hard look at the potential nominees:</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i.imgur.com/ngTSg.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://i.imgur.com/ngTSg.jpg" width="160" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sarah Palin shows off her assets.</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
1. <b>Sarah Palin</b>. Pros: She's purty. Cons: Bat shit crazy. Dumb as a bug. If she gets too much exposure over the next year she'll be about as likely to be elected as she is to count past 17.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
2. <b>Rick Santorum</b>. Google his fucking name. Next.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
3. <b>Ron Paul</b>. Pros: Makes the rest of the nominees look sane. Cons: Uncontrollable. Would turn on his masters, Frankenstein's Monster style. Ok, perhaps a bit more Frankenweenie than Frankenstein, but you get the idea.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
4. <b>Newt Gingrich</b>. Pros: Degenerate whore, loyal to whomever lines his pockets the best. (Yes, to the GOP, this is a pro). Cons: He's named after a small lizard. His last name sounds like a vaginal wash. Serial adulterer. Left his first wife while she was in the hospital recovering from surgery. Left his second wife after she refused his demands for an open marriage. About as likely to be voted President of the USA as Ted Nugent's left testicle is to be voted “Miss Congeniality”.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiA6J2zZdxxPHQ9iM54btA4LNUueKIM_8iSf2_2iWYA5WZ39tYYoGPw4X30HsaFwEkDf7aE3Dgr7YsUtyqgKadug9FG-aJZGW9pZOCdHOEhyphenhyphen20j9zfBUoOWMUPhoxrNa85Veg9E9w/s1600/palin-armed.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiA6J2zZdxxPHQ9iM54btA4LNUueKIM_8iSf2_2iWYA5WZ39tYYoGPw4X30HsaFwEkDf7aE3Dgr7YsUtyqgKadug9FG-aJZGW9pZOCdHOEhyphenhyphen20j9zfBUoOWMUPhoxrNa85Veg9E9w/s200/palin-armed.jpg" width="131" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sarah Demonstrates safe sex.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
5. <b>Mitt Romney</b>. Pros: Really, really, really looks like a president. Cons: Believes in the wrong Jesus. Favours moronic, foolish things like universal health care.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
6. <b>Tim Pawlenty</b>. Pros: Tim who? Cons: Tim who?</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
7. <b>Herman Cain</b>. Pros: Negates Obama's “Black Advantage”. Cons: Dumb as a bug. People might find out about his numerous charges of sexual misconduct. Besides, have you seen this dude's smile? Creeeeepy. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
8. <b>Michelle Bachman</b>. Pros: She's purty. Cons: Dumb as a bug, and quite possibly malformed on a deep, genetic level.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
9. <b>Rick Perry</b>. Pros: From Texas. Likes killing bad people. Cons: Dumb as a bug. Hunting Lodge with a name white people aren't allowed to say. Apparently unable to maintain cogent thought processes about 40% of the time.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-fux3u3E784s/UAX6MfXfU8I/AAAAAAAAAs0/MqltXTv-QMY/s1600/Sarah-Palin-with-a-Violin--80035.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-fux3u3E784s/UAX6MfXfU8I/AAAAAAAAAs0/MqltXTv-QMY/s200/Sarah-Palin-with-a-Violin--80035.jpg" width="130" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sarah and her "Dwarf Gittar"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
So the Super Secret Shadow Council of Rich White Guys Who Run the GOP sat back, looked at their list of potential nominees, and shuddered. They realized that their candidates would face intense media investigation over the better part of a year. They also realized that any such scrutiny was bound to reveal that each and every one of the candidates was either immoral, stupid, or borderline insane.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
In the end, not a single one of them could possibly beat Obama. So they decided to change the game.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
After considering all the pros and cons, the Super Secret Shadow Council of Rich White Guys Who Run the GOP decide that Sarah Palin would make the most tractable, easily-controlled <strike>stooge</strike> president and should be their nominee. However, they also realized that there was no way she could stand up to a year of in-depth examination and extended media coverage.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b>So they took Sarah Palin out of the game.</b> </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The myriad of Republican Presidential Debates were nothing more than a side show, bread and circuses to entertain the masses. Wow, Herman Cain sure did sexually interfere with a lot of ladies! Haha, listen to Ron Paul talk with his silly ideas! Wow, Newt Gingrich really did cheat on his cancer-ridden wife!</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The plan was to shake things up and let the scum sink to the bottom. One by one, candidates dropped out as it became more and more obvious that they were, by and large, useless puddles of ambulatory protoplasm. Eventually, the Super Secret Shadow Council of Rich White Guys Who Run the GOP knew, they would be left with only one remaining candidate.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
They also realized that whomever this candidate was, he/she/it would most likely be roundly loathed by Republicans and Democrats alike. The Republicans would be left with someone they had been forced to accept by default, not someone that they actually wanted to choose. Kind of like being taken to an all-you-can-eat buffet consisting of raw sewage (collected from the homes of poor people), pubic hair (hastily scraped off the groins of people without medical insurance) and camel testicles and being told that you had to eat one of them, or your next president will be a <i>Democrat</i>.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
So the Super Secret Shadow Council of Rich White Guys Who Run the GOP knew that whoever they put forward as the Republican nominee for President would most likely be largely hated, reviled and ridiculed. So what could they do? Well, that's where the “<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brokered_convention" target="_blank">Brokered Convention</a>” comes into play.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
When the time comes for the official Presidential Primary, Romney will fail to garner enough votes for a majority. Meanwhile, Sarah Palin will step in to “save the party”. She has spent the majority of the previous year out of the media circus, stepping into the limelight only long enough to remind us all that she still exists.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Palin will be touted by FOX “News” and the entire GOP machine as the “last hope of the Republican Party” and “the only one who can beat Obama”. Horses will be traded, backs scratched, and quicker than you can say “Mitt Romney's numerous legal-but-highly-unethical-tax-loopholes”, Sarah Palin will be the 2012 Republican Party Nominee for President of the USA.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b>TL;DR</b> – Kittens be cute. Especially in baskets. All Hail Sarah Palin, Queen of 'Murica.</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18435473760294052609noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16881249.post-7972933328015749432012-04-09T23:32:00.000-04:002012-04-09T23:32:17.791-04:00The Seven[I wrote this while I sat contemplating a picture representing the Seven Deadly Sins. For those interested, The picture is the hanging on the wall in the graphic art piece I did below.]<br />
<br />
<u><span style="font-size: large;"><b>The Seven</b></span></u><br />
<br />
Elsie was younger than the rest, and prettier. She had hair that caught the sunlight and stored it to be released after dark. Her smile was your first love’s smile, and her lips could hold a man’s attention and her eyes his soul. She was an angry drunk, and had played host to many a venereal parasite.<br />
<br />
Theodore enjoyed tarts, pastries and pies, and the occasional trollop. He was known to his friends as King Beer Bong, and his mother would mutter about large bones and fat camp. Theodore did not enjoy the stereotype of the jolly fat man, and instead went to great pains to puncture that belief with a cutting wit and less than ideal personal hygiene.<br />
<br />
Simon wore his father’s coat and hat, which he inherited upon the Old Man’s death. Some, new to the neighbourhood, whispered of the son’s devotion. Simon was simply loathe to waste good clothing. He had inherited quite a bit, and saw no reason to waste any on extravagances like new clothes or employee health benefits.<br />
<br />
Eve entered a room like the eye of a hurricane. Eyes followed her like e’s after c’s. Her silent acceptance of worship and adoration soaked through her pores like the sweetest perfume. Her every step a movement of grace, her every whisper a command. So perfect that none dare criticize, thus never learns from mistakes she cannot acknowledge.<br />
<br />
Echo despised the wealthy, that self-serving plague upon humanity. What do they give back, for all they are given? What sets them apart, makes them special? Why should they have so much while so many work so hard? Why’s the bitch next door get to drive a brand new Porsche while she has to be seen in a 4-year old BMW? Guess we know who had to suck what to get her car.<br />
<br />
Randy’s back had hurt for as long as he could remember to. Sometimes after football he’d feel so bad he’d have to go to the Day Spa for a massage and rumoured hand release. He made sure to always take his back medication, as well as to frequently inhale an herbal remedy that he grew himself in the room another man would have put his children in.<br />
<br />
Dan was proud to boast, “If there’s a fight, you want to be around Dan.” Most others would say, “If Dan’s around, there’s going to be a fight.” His Guidance Counselor had told him to do what he was good at. For the longest time he worried that flushing other kids heads down the toilet in high-school had not adequately prepared him for life in the real world. Then he discovered the police force.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://i.imgur.com/bVm0s.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://i.imgur.com/bVm0s.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18435473760294052609noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16881249.post-78772576724923590532012-02-15T17:53:00.000-05:002012-02-15T17:53:39.143-05:00Yoga Farts<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-5A0E3acj6nE/Tzw22YbVZOI/AAAAAAAAAog/_Ely5_RyJX8/s1600/yoga-fart.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-5A0E3acj6nE/Tzw22YbVZOI/AAAAAAAAAog/_Ely5_RyJX8/s320/yoga-fart.jpg" width="204" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Smells like teen spirit.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div style="text-align: justify;"><rant>Ok. People occasionally fart during yoga class. I get that. It happens. We're stretching our bodies out into bizarre shapes and unfamiliar elongations, so a little escaped methane is only natural. No worries, we're all adults. No one giggles, no pointy fingers; we just ignore and move on. Ok, maybe a few plugged noses, but that's about it.</rant><br />
<rant></rant><rant> </rant><br />
<rant> But there are limits.</rant><br />
<rant></rant><rant> <br />
Today an individual in my yoga class farted six times. Not over the span of the entire class, but in a row, one after the other, over a 10 second span. They just kept coming, fart, after fart, after fart. And not shy, embarrassed little squeak farts either. Loud, brazen, beans in a truck stop kind of farts. Cheek slappers. Vulvuzela farts.<br />
<br />
While we all know everyone farts, I like to think that most people, if they feel a fart coming, do their best to suppress it. Or at least let it slip out quietly. Farts can slip out unexpectedly, but if you know one is coming it's polite to try and stifle it. But farting six times in succession? After - oh, I don't know, the fourth fart - I would think the individual would begin to suspect that more farts might be coming. If they can't be controlled, you could at least aim your butt away from your neighbour's face.<br />
</rant></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18435473760294052609noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16881249.post-29692554677971252502012-01-28T19:13:00.000-05:002012-01-28T19:13:02.870-05:00Green Things - a Poem<div lang="en-US" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-size: small;"> What do you find at the back of the fridge?</span></div><div lang="en-US" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-size: small;"> What grows on the feet of your cousin Midge?</span></div><div lang="en-US" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-size: small;"> Green things.</span></div><div lang="en-US" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div lang="en-US" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-size: small;"> What tickles your nose when you have to sneeze?</span></div><div lang="en-US" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-size: small;"> What do doctors insert when they work on your knees?</span></div><div lang="en-US" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-size: small;"> Green things.</span></div><div lang="en-US" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div lang="en-US" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-size: small;"> What do frogs mate with when they are in heat?</span></div><div lang="en-US" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-size: small;"> What do you find when you turn down the sheet?</span></div><div lang="en-US" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-size: small;"> Green things.</span></div><div lang="en-US" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div lang="en-US" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-size: small;"> What goes into your dog and out of your cat?</span></div><div lang="en-US" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-size: small;"> What grows under logs and smelly door mats?</span></div><div lang="en-US" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-size: small;"> Green things.</span></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18435473760294052609noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16881249.post-64094300092846487662012-01-04T18:46:00.003-05:002012-01-04T18:48:42.957-05:00BANG.<div align="JUSTIFY" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"></div><div align="JUSTIFY" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"></div><div align="JUSTIFY" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">There's very little an armed gunman can do to treat a heart attack victim. I mean, sure, my .38 came in quite useful for its intended purpose - scaring the shit out of the variety store clerk - but when said clerk falls to the ground clutching his chest and turning a rather startling pale blue/gray colour, the gun has really outlived its usefulness.</div><div align="JUSTIFY" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div align="JUSTIFY" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">It was late at night, about 3 am. No sense robbing the place when it's going to be busy. It was just me and him. "Him" being a tall, rather rotund white guy in a Maple Leaf jersey. I pointed the gun at the guy and before I could say, "Don't move", he falls to the floor and starts twitching.</div><div align="JUSTIFY" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div align="JUSTIFY" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">I'm not totally heartless. Sure, I could've just grabbed what I came for and ran, but shit. Someone has a heart attack right in front of you, least you can do is try and help. As I've made it my life's goal to do the least I could, I knelt beside him and lifted his head onto my lap.</div><div align="JUSTIFY" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div align="JUSTIFY" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">"Hey man," I slapped his cheeks, and his eyes focused weakly on my face, "you got any pills, something I can give you?"</div><div align="JUSTIFY" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div align="JUSTIFY" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">He shook his head 'no' ... or maybe it was a spasm. Beats me. I was out of my element the moment his fat ass slapped the floor. I was at a loss, and it wasn't like Tubby McHeartpopper was helping much.</div><div align="JUSTIFY" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div align="JUSTIFY" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">I emptied the cash register, then tossed it through the front window. The alarm bell sounded immediately. I grabbed a couple of cartons of smokes and shrugged down at him apologetically. "The alarm will bring the cops. Sorry about the heart attack."</div><div align="JUSTIFY" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div align="JUSTIFY" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">I turned away from him to pull the DVD out of the security camera recorder. That's when the fucker shot me in the back. I was like, what the fuck? Here I am trying to help - putting my self at risk of being arrested, I might add - and the bastard waits until my back is turned and shoots me.</div><div align="JUSTIFY" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div align="JUSTIFY" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">I dropped down to one knee, turning to see his sweaty, pale face. He was still holding the gun - a .22, thank God - in one hand, but another spasm caused him to drop it to the ground.</div><div align="JUSTIFY" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div align="JUSTIFY" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">“Lucky for me,” I gasped, my bruised ribs aching with each indrawn breath, “I come prepared.” I pulled myself to my feet, lifting my jacket so he could see the Kevlar vest beneath it. "Lucky for you, I'm not a vengeful guy. But still, shooting a guy in the back is kind of prickish, so..."</div><div align="JUSTIFY" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div align="JUSTIFY" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">I pointed my gun at his knee, then paused. "You really need to get some exercise, so I won't cripple you." I raised the gun slightly, and shot him in the left bicep.</div><div align="JUSTIFY" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div align="JUSTIFY" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">I looked up at the sound of distant sirens, then smiled down at the clerk. "I gotta go. Hit the fucking treadmill why don't you?"</div><div align="JUSTIFY" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div align="JUSTIFY" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">He nodded weakly as I left.</div><div align="JUSTIFY" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div align="JUSTIFY" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Funny how some people live their lives so poorly that when confronted by an angry man with a gun, the most dangerous thing in the room is still their own overworked heart.</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18435473760294052609noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16881249.post-40582511798211223872011-12-09T20:23:00.000-05:002011-12-09T20:23:26.094-05:00Confidence Tricks: The MOVIE!<h6 class="uiStreamMessage" data-ft="{"type":1}" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Hello all! I'm going to be filming my screenplay, "Confidence Tricks" in the New Year, and am looking for some help with funding. Please visit the link below, read/watch the appeal, and if you'd like to help out and offer your support, please make a contribution.</span><br style="font-weight: normal;" /><span style="font-weight: normal;"> </span><br style="font-weight: normal;" /><span style="font-weight: normal;"> Also, please share this link with your Facebook friends, Twitterfolk, or anyone else you think might be interested. Even if you can't contribute financially, helping to spread the word is very much appreciated!</span><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.indiegogo.com/Confidence-Tricks?a=337325" rel="nofollow nofollow" target="_blank"><span>http://www.indiegogo.com/</span><wbr></wbr><span class="word_break"></span>Confidence-Tricks?a=337325</a></span></span></h6><h6 class="uiStreamMessage" data-ft="{"type":1}" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><iframe frameborder="1" height="400px" scrolling="no" src="http://www.indiegogo.com/project/widget/54360?a=337325" width="210px"></iframe><span style="font-size: small;"><span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}"> </span></span></h6>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18435473760294052609noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16881249.post-10557475753511003722011-11-12T22:26:00.001-05:002011-11-12T22:26:41.826-05:00Piping CeremonyToday, I did something good. Not good for the environment, or good for the economy, or even for the good of my fellow human beings. I did something good for me. Thanks to the support and encouragement of my wonderful friend Laura, and to the help and assistance of my good friend Gary, I attended my first Native Piping Ceremony today.<br />
<br />
My day began early. Crazy early. 7:30 am early. You may not think that particularly early, but I normally get up at noon, so for me, it was early. I prepared for the day, and left the house bundled up in layers, ready for any weather. I literally had no idea as to the nature of the event what I was about to attend, and wanted to be prepared.<br />
<br />
I arrived at Gary and Laura's promptly at 8 am. I met up with Gary and Laura, their son Dax, and our friends Chris and Alex. Our two car caravan was off, stopping only to pick up one more friend of Laura's along the way. We didn't have time to stop for coffee, so as you can imagine, my mood was one of hopeful anticipation mixed with ... well, whatever that feeling is you get when you hadn't had your morning coffee. Ah well, I thought. I wanted a Tim Hortons coffee, but sometimes you just don't get what you want.<br />
<br />
We arrived at the lodge, which I can best describe as a really large tent. But instead of interlocking plastic poles and nylon strings, the frame was constructed of hand-hewn wood. The walls of the structure were made of tarp, overlapping to keep out most of the weather, yet open at the top, and with the occasional gap to keep the air fresh and pleasant.<br />
<br />
Almost immediately, I was made welcome by our hosts, and offered a cup of .... Tim Hortons coffee. The universe provides. That first sip was bliss. We were made welcome and took our seats on a bench along the southern-most wall. I know it was the southern-most wall because Gary informed me that the entrance to a lodge always faces east.<br />
<br />
A fire was burning in the center of the lodge, housed carefully in a deep circular pit. Despite the early-morning November chill the lodge was comfortably warm, yet the air circulated well and was never stuffy, smokey or uncomfortable. I noticed at the edge of the pit closest to the entrance there was what appeared to be a small shrine, consisting of a small stone, a hand-carved horse and a small sprinkling of tobacco.<br />
<br />
There's no point in trying to describe the ceremony itself. I'm not that clever, and it's something to be experienced, not described. I have written and deleted this same sentence seventeen times in a row, trying to capture the essence of the ceremony, but it's pointless. All I can do is record my impressions.<br />
<br />
The people. The people were welcoming, gracious, kind, polite, loving, caring, and above all - at least to me - exhibited a gentle yet irresistible sense of humour. There were a few moments of natural levity during the ceremony, culminating in a slight "slip" towards the end, that had everyone in tears of laughter. Even the gentleman beating the drum and leading the singing skipped a beat or two as he joined in. No one was embarrassed. No one was upset. The moment was accepted for what it was - a part of the natural flow of the ceremony.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjC0ukWWY_hsgfFuXgdjE_7icsHhyhq-F-I0fPRtEtw4HFveQYZPPeDbo6jKJXAZH-mf1vCzzfrAwOh9a6TZQw8AfhxiWkFoMHItSRpVH7bz8qrx82iS0-F0D4M_OXucV1AyZRJLA/s1600/Untitled.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjC0ukWWY_hsgfFuXgdjE_7icsHhyhq-F-I0fPRtEtw4HFveQYZPPeDbo6jKJXAZH-mf1vCzzfrAwOh9a6TZQw8AfhxiWkFoMHItSRpVH7bz8qrx82iS0-F0D4M_OXucV1AyZRJLA/s320/Untitled.jpg" width="169" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The inspirational Josephine Mandamin</td></tr>
</tbody></table>The lodge had a special guest that day, a beautiful, self-effacing woman named Josephine Mandamin. I had no idea who she was. I had no idea how incredible she was. I had no idea I should feel privileged to hear her speak. Once she began to speak, I very quickly learned how lucky I was to be there at the same time as Josephine. I won't go into detail as to who she is - as you can learn that at www.motherearthwaterwalk.com - but I will say I was totally enchanted and taken by her wisdom and humility, her gentle humour, and her strength.<br />
<br />
After the ceremony was over, we walked across the street to a local recreation center for more information about Josephine and her works. There, I discovered that there would be a man from a reptile conservation center with a wide selection of animals to display; snakes, geckos, tarantulas, and even a large tortoise.<br />
<br />
It was one of those days where things kept getting better and better. After enjoying Josephine's stories, and watching the kids handle constrictors and monitor lizards (and even checking out a few myself - having a tarantula in your hands is cool!) I discovered that they were going to feed us lunch. Soup, sandwiches, wraps, very delicious!<br />
<br />
Then there were door prizes. Wait ... what? Door prizes? You invite me to attend your sacred ceremonies, you teach me, you entertain me, you feed me, and now you're giving away prizes? For FREE? This doesn't seem like a viable business model!<br />
<br />
Because it's not. It wasn't about business. I'm still not 100% sure what it was about, but to me, the day was about unity over strife. Friendship over distrust. Shared laughter over shame. Sharing what you can, taking what you need, giving that which is needed.<br />
<br />
It was a good day for me.<br />
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</style>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18435473760294052609noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16881249.post-3018536038001933832011-11-08T13:27:00.005-05:002012-03-04T03:18:42.221-05:00ROMINS (Reviews of Movies I've Never Seen): Fast Five<div style="text-align: justify;">Fast Five is the fifth and, God-willing, final installment in the seminal "Fast and the Furious" film series. The movie tells the story of Armand Fist (played by Vin Diesel), a spunky young amateur masturbator who decides to enter the BNIC (Bukkake Night in Canada) held in Temiskaming Shores, Canada ("Temiskaming" being a Native word meaning "Mauling the Moose").</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">Known for his incredible dexterity and machine-like stroke speed, Armand (or "Fast Five" as he is known, due to his dextrous digits) must overcome the prejudices of his rural hometown of Splooge, North Dakota in order to become the cream of the crop. His first barrier to stardom is his girlfriend, Betty (played quite ably by television's Nel Carter) who's intense and constant desire for sex is a constant drain on Armand's stamina, and makes practicing next to impossible.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzZnMk7uPwHGcfbn59p31inEVtH2hmpSHJ8YUU_-cxdtAuaKk0su67KSj1IvBWDW2mIL1yZIHCKgrF5EAYFgB9conVtWVJzf6f8Ame5is_cdyISwA6prCzFo7D3PaE0O7D_Zj3ag/s1600/Old-Sarges-Jerky-Logo-300x229.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="152" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzZnMk7uPwHGcfbn59p31inEVtH2hmpSHJ8YUU_-cxdtAuaKk0su67KSj1IvBWDW2mIL1yZIHCKgrF5EAYFgB9conVtWVJzf6f8Ame5is_cdyISwA6prCzFo7D3PaE0O7D_Zj3ag/s200/Old-Sarges-Jerky-Logo-300x229.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Bite Sarge's Salty Meat Stick</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div style="text-align: justify;">Armand finally is forced to flee his home after his father is convicted of baby battering. Armand is broke, but he manages to earn enough money for bus fare by slinging yogurt at a local restaurant. His big break comes when he is hired on as a celebrity sponsor for Old Sarge's Beef Jerky.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">Armand makes his way to the BNIC, where he originally views others men as competitors only, but after striking up a friendship with Dick Juice, last year's winner of the BNIC (played by a pile of Johnny Depp's haircut clippings), comes to see men in a different light. Armand and Dick at first are enemies, but come to be friends after they realize how much they both love butter.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">Watch for cameos from Shia Labeouf as Mr. Nononononono!, Renee Zellweger as a piece of discarded licorice, Jeff Bridges as Fluffy McNutbutter, and Natalie Portman as Squeegee Von Creamsicle.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">Armand eventually wins the BNIC, and uses the proceeds to buy his girlfriend Betty a pearl necklace. I give this movie two thumbs up Julie Andrews.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><style>
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