Brief Disclaimer: I have never seen the movie "Angela's Ashes", nor have I read the book. ROMINS stands for "Reviews of Movies I've Never Seen".
My Favourite Bathtime Gurgles
Sometimes, the worst thing you can do is a good job.
Sunday, February 01, 2015
Saturday, July 12, 2014
ROMINS (Reviews of Movies I've Never Seen): Transformers 4: Age of Distinction
What
can I say about Transformers 4: Age of Distinction that hasn't
already been said about Hitler? A corollary of Godwin's Law tells us
that once Hitler is mentioned in any way, the value of any further
communication has effectively ended. This is the kind of thing that
Transformers 4 does to the human soul.
T4
(I will shorten Transformers 4 to
T4 from now on, much in the same
way one would rather suffer a series of controlled gags as opposed to
actually vomiting) tells the story of Rory Callhoon, internet
billionaire and international Playboy. We follow Rory as he gets the latest Playboy centerfold tattooed on his back and then flies to disadvantaged countries and lifts up his
shirt to benefit poor perverts. Rory is world famous for
inventing the world's first toaster that what also turns into a toy
submarine (The TubbyToaster). Rory is ably played by television's
Nell Carter.
This early prototype was designed to brush teeth, but later went on to star in micro-porn as Sextoi the Transformer. |
So
Rory goes and, I don't know what, makes or finds or steals some cool
new robots that can turn into other things and they're called
Transformers, because in the '80's that was a pretty big word to most
people. (Remember, before 1982, most people didn't know
what the word “extra-terrestrial” meant.) Rory flies in at the head of a changey-robot army which can
pretty much do anything, but Rory, being male, uses them to impress
girls. Or, in this case, one girl, that Gloria person who probably
isn't Rory's second cousin or something.
Vacca-byte's deadly kiss sucks out autisms and injects a powerful toxin that kills viruses and brain cells |
Transformers
4: Age of Distinction was filmed
in the great state of Texas, which explains why so many of the
background performers look like meth heads. I give this move however
many thumbs it takes to communicate the utmost possible contempt.
---------------------------------------------------------
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End Note: This was a very
difficult review for me to write, for I am still dealing with the
stress I suffered after watching Transformers 1 (The Turdening). ROMINS are, as they claim, reviews of
movies I have never seen. I review a movie I haven't seen. That's the
gag.
Now just because I review a movie I haven't seen, doesn't mean I don't want to see it. In fact, I usually do want to see the movies I am reviewing, and most often do. But this time, I will not watch be watching this movie. I won't watch Transformers 4 because I was warned away by Transformers 1.
Now just because I review a movie I haven't seen, doesn't mean I don't want to see it. In fact, I usually do want to see the movies I am reviewing, and most often do. But this time, I will not watch be watching this movie. I won't watch Transformers 4 because I was warned away by Transformers 1.
Sequels inevitably water down and, given time, eventually ruin the franchise. The first Matrix movie was awesome. The second was ok, and I liked the first enough to want to like the second. The third was kinda crap. If they had only made the first Matrix movie, and ended it there, then the Matrix would probably rank as one of my favourite movies of all time. But it doesn't, because when I think of the Matrix, mixed in with the wonderful memories are memories of crap. Even the best meal, cooked by the world's greatest chef, suffers somewhat if someone drops turd on the plate.
Accepting that even the best moves movies are degraded by sequels, I wondered, oh so many years ago, what kind of crap is the Transformers series going to devolve into? Transformers 1 made me not watch Transformers 2, but I listened to what people had to say about it. Generally, they said it was good eye candy, but otherwise kind of crap. They said the same thing about T3, but phrases such as “not really worth the eye candy anymore” began to creep into people's reviews.
From what I hear, T4 is pretty much four different types of crap sandwiched between two stale Triscuits (which are later revealed to be, in fact, compacted cow crap). So this is pretty much my first ROMIWNS - Reviews of Movies I Will Never See.
Sunday, December 01, 2013
76 Pandas - Day 5 of 76
Still not really much good at painting a straight line, and the ears here are rather lopsided. But then, considering the face, I suppose that's just fitting. :)
If you'd like to view the pic full sized click here.
If you're so inclined to do so, feel free to head on over to the WWF's donation page and make a donation.
If you'd like to help but are short on cash, you can Take Action here.
Finally laid in a supply of sketch paper, so bye-bye little blue lines!
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Day Four of the Poorly Painted Panda Series - 72 to go!
This is my fourth attempt at a panda painting. I think I'm coming along, and definitely notice improvement over day 1. This is my first panda to look like it wasn't painted by an alcoholic elephant, so there's that. :)
If you'd like to view the pic full sized click here.
If you're so inclined to do so, feel free to head on over to the WWF's donation page and make a donation.
If you'd like to help but are short on cash, you can Take Action here.
Friday, November 29, 2013
20 Hours of Pandas - Day 3 of 76
My third attempt at painting a panda. I'm working on the theory that
if you spend 20 hours practicing something you'll eventually get good at
it. So far that theory remains to be proven in my case.
Please pardon the lined paper. The whole "panda project" thing was
something of a whim for me so I haven't laid in a supply of sketch paper
yet.
Thursday, November 28, 2013
20 Hours of Pandas - Panda #2 of 76
So after painting my first panda on canvas, I realized it would get pretty expensive painting each attempt on canvas. I only had lined paper on hand so I will have to paint on lined paper until I can grab some sketch paper.
Panda #2 isn't the prettiest panda in the world, but a definite improvement over #1!
Panda #2 isn't the prettiest panda in the world, but a definite improvement over #1!
- If you'd like to view the pic full sized click here.
- If you're so inclined to do so, feel free to head on over to the WWF's donation page and make a donation.
- If you'd like to help but are short on cash, you can Take Action here.
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
20 Hours of Pandas - Day One
I heard somewhere that if you spend 20 hours doing something, say painting, or learning the guitar, etc. you will get good at that activity. I'm not a very good painter and decided to put this theory to the test. I wasn't sure what to paint, and definitely didn't want to tackle anything too ambitious, so I did an image search for a simple black and white drawing.
Eventually I stumbled across a simple panda painting which, at the time, I erroneously assumed was the logo of the World Wildlife Fund. It wasn't, actually, but I decided I liked it and would paint my own version. I wasn't expecting much, and I wasn't disappointed.
So here it is, without further ado, my very first attempt at painting a panda.
- If you'd like to view the pic full sized click here.
- If you're so inclined to do so, feel free to head on over to the WWF's donation page and make a donation.
- If you'd like to help but are short on cash, you can Take Action here.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
The Difference between my Cat and my Dogs
Feeding a piece of hot dog to my dogs:
Actual pets not as pictured. |
1. Take a piece of hot dog.
2. Hide it anywhere in the house, so long as it is on the floor.
3. A dog will find and eat the piece of hot dog within 15-45 seconds of release.
Feeding a piece of hot dog to my cat:
Feeding a piece of hot dog to my cat:
1. Take a piece of hot dog.
2. Find the cat.
3. Show the cat the piece of hot dog.
4. Hold piece of hot dog directly in front of cat's nose for 15-45 seconds until cat realizes piece of hot dog is edible.
5. Place piece of hot dog on ground directly in front of cat.
6. Point to piece of hot dog. Tap on the ground several times until cat notices piece of hot dog.
7. Wait until cat decide to eat piece of hot dog. This can take several minutes. Do not leave before cat eats piece of hot dog, or else a dog will it it in 15-45 seconds.
Saturday, August 03, 2013
Netgear is Stoopid
This is not my NIC, but it sure looks like it. |
I needed drivers for my Netgear USB wireless network thingy. I know I can easily get the driver from any number of 3rd party sites, but I figure, hey, what the heck, let's give the manufacturer a try, shall we? Because I'm motherfucking optimistic.
I hit Netgear's site and I find the device driver download page quickly and easily enough. I think, "Good for you, Netgear. Have a biscuit."
But Netgear isn't about to let me have my file so easily. No, no. Netgear want's something in return. Netgear wants to trade. Netgear's website informs me that I can have the driver, but first I have to register on their website, giving my name and address and email address and stuff.
I hit Netgear's site and I find the device driver download page quickly and easily enough. I think, "Good for you, Netgear. Have a biscuit."
But Netgear isn't about to let me have my file so easily. No, no. Netgear want's something in return. Netgear wants to trade. Netgear's website informs me that I can have the driver, but first I have to register on their website, giving my name and address and email address and stuff.
And I think, "Really Netgear? Ya gotta get all up in my grill and require a login when like, a bazillion other sites have your drivers just sitting there, no registration needed?" Is this customer service? I ask you! No really, I do.
So now I'm like, great, I wasted my time and tried Netgear when I should have just visited a reliable 3rd party drivers site. Fuck you, optimism.
But then I think, "Hey, maybe I can lift the driver download url directly from the page's source code." I figured it was highly unlikely that a multimillion dollar company would be foolish enough not to hide the link.
But, as established earlier, I am an motherfucking optimist, so I looked at the source code. Did a search for ".zip" and lo and behold, there was the direct download url for my driver.
So to sum up:
So now I'm like, great, I wasted my time and tried Netgear when I should have just visited a reliable 3rd party drivers site. Fuck you, optimism.
But then I think, "Hey, maybe I can lift the driver download url directly from the page's source code." I figured it was highly unlikely that a multimillion dollar company would be foolish enough not to hide the link.
But, as established earlier, I am an motherfucking optimist, so I looked at the source code. Did a search for ".zip" and lo and behold, there was the direct download url for my driver.
So to sum up:
- Netgear makes it easy to find drivers on their site.
- Netgear demands your personal info in return.
- About a BAZILLION third-party websites have the drivers without demanding your personal info.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Why I love the TV Show "Archer", by Asher Hunter, age 47
[Note: I'll try to keep
this spoiler free, but there are a few I can't avoid.]
[Another Note: I refer to
those involved in the show as “them” and “they”, and not to
any individual creative element, because I believe the show functions
as a team, and every aspect and element of the team behind “Archer”
excels. All the factual information you need on the show can be found here.]
I love "Archer"
because it evolves. I tend to enthuse so much about Season 1 because
I look at it through my "now" eyes instead of remembering
back to my "then" eyes. It is true it took them about 6-8
episodes to really find their stride, working through some basic
character elements, etc. Pam, for example, is by far NOT the person
she seemed to be in the first few episodes.
That said, they do find
their groove quickly, and once they do they don't make the mistake of
letting it turn into a rut. They're not afraid to offend, and yet the
characters retain an essential humanity that makes me like them all.
God help me, Dr. Krieger is everything I would hate in a real person,
and yet love in Krieger.The jokes themselves
evolve, and although they do go the same well fairly often, they
always come back with a new variation on the original that keeps
things fresh and organic.
"Uta!" That's how you talk. |
The litany of bad guys
has only one flaw. SO many villains I love come and go so quickly I
never really have time I need to enjoy them all. I want more Conway!
More Mannfred and Uta! More Spelvin and Chan(s)! Charles and Rudy!
Honestly, these characters are so great it's almost a crime this show
isn't spitting out spin-offs like some sort of spitting thing that
spits out a lot of other things.
Now, don't get me wrong folks, I love Ray and Woodhouse, but I'm going to focus on my favourites.
As for the main
characters:
First of all, it's "Dr. I'll Solve Your Ant Problem." |
Dr. Krieger. I should
hate this guy. Like really, really. No spoilers, but jeez, the more
you find out about Krieger, the more you keep wondering why the FBI
hasn't made him Public Enemy #1. And yet, for some reason, I like
him. He definitely keeps things interesting. He is the Venn Diagram
where chaos and science overlap.
I didn't care for her at
first, but once Pam found her backbone, I was like, wtf. Looking
back, I think maybe she was playing possum at first, trying to fit in
at ISIS, and keep her private life a secret. Eventually she realized
that you probably can't keep secrets from spies. Luckily she had also
realized everyone else working their was bat-shit crazy, she saw fit
to unleash her inner bad-ass.
It has to be your place. Mine totally reeks of ocelot piss. |
It's a damned good thing
Cheryl's rich, because there's no way she could function in society
without effectively-limitless wealth behind her. Her idiosyncrasies
are bizarre, dangerous, unhealthy, and yet somehow cute, like say if
a puppy was somehow firing a .50 caliber machine gun at a bus full of
grade-school bullies.
Now Cyril is the kind of
guy I love to hate. He seems straight-forward and honest at first,
but soon reveals his inner douche. His neediness and insecurity act
as feedback loops guaranteeing he'll live the exact life he fears to
live, and yet he seemingly revels and rejoices in his own downward
spiral. So yeah, it's a laugh when bad things happen to him.
Malory Archer I believes
sets the adage: you can't be a good parent and a good spy. Malory
appears to be okay with this, and has no problem enjoying making life
bad for her son. Her parenting ranges from criminal neglect to
deliberate, pointless cruelty, and yet she somehow manages to
maintain a precariously-balanced dysfunctional relationship with
those around her. I believe Malory Archer and Lucille Bluth would
love meeting one another.
Baby, I AM putting you in the corner! |
I would say Lana's the
closest to an actual functioning adult at ISIS. She's bad-ass, and
knows when to apply excessive force, and isn't shy about redefining
the word "excessive" based on the situation. When someone
acts irrationally and things get messed up as a result, Lana's among
the first with a barb. However, act irrationally and somehow manage
to achieve actual positive results, and Lana is smart enough to go
along for the ride ... while still slinging a few piercing barbs
along the way.
Archer. I would love this
guy in real life. Don't get me wrong, he's a dick, but he knows he's
a dick, is happy being a dick, and doesn't really care what anyone
else thinks about that. Malory's parenting provides us with the
ability to still love Archer, because no matter how bizarre his
behaviour gets, we can't help but believe - in light of his
upbringing - that he's actually a pretty well balanced guy. And he
really is a good spy. A bit like “Get Smart” was a good spy, but
he gets the job done. Archer may also be autistic, which is awesome.
Something something danger zone. I know. I'm not even trying anymore. |
Despite their various
severely deformed personality flaws, I like all the main characters.
First, because they're funny. Secondly, and I think most importantly,
because they are, for the most part, honest about who they are. They
own their idiosyncrasies proudly, and (apart from Cyril) they don't
try to hide from who they are. If they do something that offends,
they don't hide behind false apologies (well, except again for
Cyril). Their attitude is basically: “That's right, I did do
that, now what are you going to do about it?”
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