"I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and run to my sister's house and ask her for money."
--Kevin Meaney
"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three."
--Elayne Boosler
"Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second."
--Steven Wright
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
--Sue Murphy
"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there."
--Ron Richards
"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else."
--Lily Tomlin
"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it."
--Steven Wright
"I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know. 'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just a little bit?"
--Garry Shandling
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.'"
--Richard Jeni
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Monday, May 28, 2007
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Bypass Tim Hortons! *woot*
Ok, I admit it. For a brief moment I actually thought about suggesting a general boycott of Tim Hortons. For various reasons, from the "factory fresh" donuts to their evident willingness to openly and unapologetically lie to their customers. Decisions that definitely do not make for "warm and cuddly" customer relations.
But I realized, Tim Hortons is so damned successful, there's really no way to avoid it. They put almost everyone else out of business. Seriously. According to Wikipedia, Hortons "...commands 76% of the Canadian market for baked goods (based on the number of customers served) and holds 62% of the Canadian coffee market (compared to Starbucks, in the number two position, at 7%).[7]
They're everywhere, like a frat boy's hands in a game of touch football.
So if you can't boycott them, then the next best thing you can do is bypass them. All I'm suggesting is this: if there is a reasonable alternative to Tim Hortons nearby, please use it. Don't go miles out of your way! If there's a Hortons right by work, then use it! But if there is some other - any other! - coffee shop nearby, then please use it.
This might only result in a small drop in Hortons' overall numbers. But even as small a drop as 5-15% will be enough to send a message. The current owners of Tim Hortons seem to be very good at noticing things like money. Sadly, they are losing track of things like customer service, and loyalty.
So what is the message?
We want our old fucking Hortons back.
The ones that cops were allowed to sit in. Because that was better than the ones that have to close at night because of drug dealers.
The ones where usually the same two or three people served you, everyday. The ones you tipped extra on their birthdays. We want those people back, because now it seems service has degraded to the point where barely cognizant, drably garbed drones (80% of whom have name tags introducing themselves as "Trainee" and seem to rotate daily) peck aimlessly at a large board of conveniently tabled pico-text buttons consisting of every possible combination of donut and coffee order imaginable. You have transformed what was once a warm and personable experience into the sociological equivalent of a tooth cleaning.
We want the tidy Hortons back. The one where the servers took time out to clean up once and awhile. It seems today that you send someone out to clean the tables with about the same efficiency and regularity as the HSR sends buses. If you are unfamiliar with the HSR service schedule, the previous analogy was bad.
Today, for some unacceptable reason, the donuts come from trucks. They used to come from the same guy who had been making them there for 15 years. The guy you swore made the best donuts, even though your buddy claimed the lady on Friday night made the city's best crullers. Those amazing donut bakers drive newspaper delivery trucks now.
Always fresh 'cause they keep truckin' 'em in!
So, anyway, that's it. If you want your old Hortons back, then start giving them a miss. If there's a Robins Donuts across the street, give them a try. A Country Style on the opposite corner? Walk on over. Even Starbucks. Yeah, I know, I hate saying "grande" too, but it makes them happy, so humour them.
Maybe if our numbers drop off, they'll finally start to notice us.
But I realized, Tim Hortons is so damned successful, there's really no way to avoid it. They put almost everyone else out of business. Seriously. According to Wikipedia, Hortons "...commands 76% of the Canadian market for baked goods (based on the number of customers served) and holds 62% of the Canadian coffee market (compared to Starbucks, in the number two position, at 7%).[7]
They're everywhere, like a frat boy's hands in a game of touch football.
So if you can't boycott them, then the next best thing you can do is bypass them. All I'm suggesting is this: if there is a reasonable alternative to Tim Hortons nearby, please use it. Don't go miles out of your way! If there's a Hortons right by work, then use it! But if there is some other - any other! - coffee shop nearby, then please use it.
This might only result in a small drop in Hortons' overall numbers. But even as small a drop as 5-15% will be enough to send a message. The current owners of Tim Hortons seem to be very good at noticing things like money. Sadly, they are losing track of things like customer service, and loyalty.
So what is the message?
We want our old fucking Hortons back.
The ones that cops were allowed to sit in. Because that was better than the ones that have to close at night because of drug dealers.
The ones where usually the same two or three people served you, everyday. The ones you tipped extra on their birthdays. We want those people back, because now it seems service has degraded to the point where barely cognizant, drably garbed drones (80% of whom have name tags introducing themselves as "Trainee" and seem to rotate daily) peck aimlessly at a large board of conveniently tabled pico-text buttons consisting of every possible combination of donut and coffee order imaginable. You have transformed what was once a warm and personable experience into the sociological equivalent of a tooth cleaning.
We want the tidy Hortons back. The one where the servers took time out to clean up once and awhile. It seems today that you send someone out to clean the tables with about the same efficiency and regularity as the HSR sends buses. If you are unfamiliar with the HSR service schedule, the previous analogy was bad.
Today, for some unacceptable reason, the donuts come from trucks. They used to come from the same guy who had been making them there for 15 years. The guy you swore made the best donuts, even though your buddy claimed the lady on Friday night made the city's best crullers. Those amazing donut bakers drive newspaper delivery trucks now.
Always fresh 'cause they keep truckin' 'em in!
So, anyway, that's it. If you want your old Hortons back, then start giving them a miss. If there's a Robins Donuts across the street, give them a try. A Country Style on the opposite corner? Walk on over. Even Starbucks. Yeah, I know, I hate saying "grande" too, but it makes them happy, so humour them.
Maybe if our numbers drop off, they'll finally start to notice us.
Monday, May 07, 2007
Tim Hortons = Dirty Fibbers?
So yesterday, I'm at the Tim Hortons on Appleby and Harverster, in Burlington. I order my lunch, and I ask for a class of ice water. And I am given a glass of ice water. Later that day, I return for a coffee. The guy in front of me asks for some ice, to cool down his wife's coffee. The guy behind the counter tells the customer: "We don't have ice".
Ok, maybe he wasn't lying. Maybe he didn't know his restaurant had ice. Oh, did I mention he's a manager? Let's call him "Tim" (although his real name is Jake).
So I'm back today, and I get Jake (sorry, "Tim") as my server. I order my breakfast bagel, coffee and a tea biscuit. I ask for a cup of ice water. Ja .... Tim tells me "Sorry, we don't have any ice". I respond with "Funny, you had ice yesterday".
After getting bitchy, finally Tim turns to another manager and - right in front of me - says "I thought we weren't supposed to tell anyone we had ice".
Nice.
So, not only do the employees of Tim Hortons at this location knowingly and willingly lie to their customers, they are ordered to do so. Could they be any more petty? Last I checked, it costs very little money to make ice. I do it all the time, and I'm pretty sure the cost is well nigh infinitesimal.
So why do you think they lie?
Ok, maybe he wasn't lying. Maybe he didn't know his restaurant had ice. Oh, did I mention he's a manager? Let's call him "Tim" (although his real name is Jake).
So I'm back today, and I get Jake (sorry, "Tim") as my server. I order my breakfast bagel, coffee and a tea biscuit. I ask for a cup of ice water. Ja .... Tim tells me "Sorry, we don't have any ice". I respond with "Funny, you had ice yesterday".
After getting bitchy, finally Tim turns to another manager and - right in front of me - says "I thought we weren't supposed to tell anyone we had ice".
Nice.
So, not only do the employees of Tim Hortons at this location knowingly and willingly lie to their customers, they are ordered to do so. Could they be any more petty? Last I checked, it costs very little money to make ice. I do it all the time, and I'm pretty sure the cost is well nigh infinitesimal.
So why do you think they lie?
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