Un-Cheney My Heart

Further information in the Dick/Harry shooting spree has come to light. I have managed (through cunning, stealth, and invention) to create ... I mean, obtain ... a copy of the official sheriff's report regarding the shooting.

KENEDY COUNTY SHERRIF’S DEPARTMENT

TX XXXXX INCIDENT REPORT

02/11/2006 NUMBER: XXXXX

REPORT DATE: 02/15/2006 - ORI: FSXXXXX

LOCATION: ARMSTRONG - RANCHZONE: ARMSTRONG

At approximately 18:30 hours on Saturday, February 11, 2006, Kenedy County Sheriff XXXXX XXXXX contacted me, Chief Deputy XXXXX XXXXX. The phone call was in reference to a hunting accident that occurred on the Armstrong Ranch.

On Sunday, February 12, 2006, I arrived at the rear gate of the Armstrong Ranch, and was met by Secret Service Agents. The agents inspected my vehicle, clothing, and anal cavity, and then accompanied me to the main house. At the main house, I was met by Vice President Cheney, who proceeded to shoot me in the foot with a pellet gun. I complained at this treatment, and was referred to by the Vice President as a “whiney pussy-baby”.

Mr. Cheney accompanied me inside, and told me he was there to cooperate any way he could with the interview. He then pointed to a piece of paper, where someone had written the following: “If you charge the Vice President with any crime, your wife will be sent to Gitmo at Guantanamo Bay”. Mr. Cheney then laughed, and said, “Just kidding. Not really.” He then proceeded to shoot me in the foot with a pellet gun.

Mr. Cheney then informed me that at approximately 5:30 pm on the day of question, he and Mr. Harry Whittington were out hunting when their dogs indicated that they had located a covey of quail. He said that he took aim at the quail when Mr. Whittington inadvertently walked in front of his shotgun. He yelled out “Get down, Harry” but said that Mr. Whittington refused to reply. This happened several times in a row, prompting Mr. Cheney to “Bust a cap in Harry’s annoying ass because he kept getting in the way”.

After this, Mr. Cheney then began to laugh loudly, and said “No, no, kidding. Hah. Really what happened was, Harry has magnetic plates in his head that attracted the shot. I mean, no, he’s a terrorist. I mean, no, wait, no, yeah, he snuck up on me. Like a dirty terrorist. I mean no, he snuck up on me real quiet like.” He then proceeded to shoot me in the foot with a pellet gun.

I ruled that no crime had been committed.

STATUS: CLOSED

STATUS DATE: 02/15/2006