Fun with Dick and Pain

As you have probably already heard, Dick Cheney "accidentally" shot his buddy Harry Whittington in the face and neck. On a hunting trip. With a shot gun. Cheney claims it was an accident, and for his part, Harry has confirmed this by tapping out his statement on his Blackberry, which, thank God, was unharmed in the incident.

Sources close to the Vice President confirm that the incident was not an accident. According to White House insiders (who, to be fair, are largely fictional), Mr. Cheney shot his friend deliberately, because he was sick and tired of President Bush and other Washington dignataries referring to the duo as "Harry Dick".

It seems that whenever Mr. Bush introduced Mr. Cheney and Mr. Whittington to his friends, family, foreign diplomats, or Saudi money launderers, he would say "I'd like to introduce my friend Harry Dick". He would constantly refer to the two of them as a unit, and even went so far as to send out inter-office memos with the name "Harry Dick" included on the TO line.

According to the lady at the Whitehouse coffee shop, Mr. Bush was heard to say: "I'm gonna throw a party. A big party. A big party, boy. So big, it'll be a ball. Everyone will have a ball at the ball. Even Harry Dick. Ha, get it? Harry Dick at the ball!"

For Cheney, the last straw came when Mr. Bush had 40,000 bumper stickers printed up, which read "Nothing I like better than Harry Dick". Mr. Cheney's wife, Pussy Cheney, reported to her friends that Dick had been watching "The Deer Hunter" over and over the night before the incident.

Further evidence came to light when doctors admitted that each and every piece of shot extracted from Whittington's body was carved with a tiny carricature of Whittington himself. "The detail is incredible," said Mount Sinai's chief of surgery, Doctor Cox. "Underneath a microscope, you can even see that Mr. Whittington is waving."

The FBI has refused to investigate my allegations, noting that they are "spurious" and "motivated entirely by the infantile desire to make juvenile penis jokes". Stupid fuckers.