Friday, September 29, 2006

What I learned Today (and "A Bushy Squirrel Tale")

What I Learned Today

Today I am working on a graphic art piece that depicts several nasty little brownies; I’m going through a “mythological creatures” period. Each brownie has a look to them that brings to mind a natural animal. One has chipmunk fur, another a bushy squirrel tail, etc.

I wanted one of them to look like a bird. A thrush, in particular. Now, to obtain these animal effects, I usually just find a real chipmunk, zebra, tiger, etc. and overlay it’s fur on the target, and blend it in. So naturally, I went online to search for a picture of a bird to use as a basis. I went to Google Images, and I searched for “thrush”.

Forgetting that it is a disease.

A disease that is apparently much more commonly photographed than any mere natural bird. Because the entire first page of photographs, apart from 2, were of the disease called thrush. The other two were birds. I learned another thing.

Not only is there a disease called thrush, there’s a specific variant referred to as vaginal thrush. And that’s the first picture that comes up if you do a Google Image search on the word “thrush”.

Let my pain be a warning to you all.

While I was writing this, the following story occurred to me. So you get two posts for the price of one today. Let that make up for the six months of total silence. We will never speak of it again.

A Bushy Squirrel Tale

Once upon a time there was a squirrel named Nutspike (due to the fact that his left testicle was pierced). Nutspike liked the ladies, and he liked them dark and dangerous. One day he met a young Goth chipmunk named Deathcuddle who informed him that, along with nuts and berries, her cheeks could store a prodigious amount of semen.

Nutspike asked Deathcuddle out, and that very evening they went to see aKorn in concert. They had sex at the concert1, they had sex in the limo on the way home2, and they had sex on the steps of the church down the street from Deatcuddle’s father’s house3.

Nutspike and Deathcuddle fucked like, well, rabbits4. Needless to say, Nutspike was in love with Deathcuddle. More accurately, Nutspike was in love with the frequent and eager access to Deathcuddle’s chipmunk vagina5.

One day, Deathcuddle seemed reluctant to have sex in the back of the library6 when normally she was more than eager. Nutspike asked what was wrong.

“It’s your tail,” said Deathcuddle. “It’s so hairy and gross. So 80’s. Would you shave it for me?”

Nutspike was happy to comply. Deathcuddle produced a razor and some shaving cream (leading Nutspike to suspect that she had planned this out) and shaved his tail in an erotic and genitally7 pleasing way.

The following day, they met at the coffee shop. Deathcuddle seemed distant, and quickly took Nutspike aside.

“Look, don’t be faggy about this, but I’m breaking up with you.”

“What? Why?” Nutspike said loudly.

“No, that’s the faggy way,” she reprimanded, and ushered him into the men’s bathroom.

“Why are you breaking up with me?” Nutspike’s mind played out visions of Deathcuddle’s delightful pussy, flying away into the night on oddly bat like wings.

“It’s your tail,” she replied. “Bi-bi MaggiePie8 said this morning how with your tail shaved you just look like a big fucking rat.”

Potential Moral Number One: Be true to yourself, and do not change for others.
Potential Moral Number Two: If someone likes you for who you are, changing for them will make you into someone else, whom they may no longer care for.
Potential Moral Number Three: While the ride is usually short, psychotic and psuedo-dangerous, there’s nothing better than fucking a hot Goth chick. And hair grows back.

1. With Deathcuddle sitting on Nutspike’s lap, humping away while she blew some strange Rasta-coon (Rastafarian Raccoon) with a pony tail.
2. With Deathcuddle leaning out the window, her furry tits blowing in the wind as she screamed loud obscenities at the passengers of other cars while Nutspike fucked her up the ass.
3. Because for some reason that idea turned her on.
4. I.e., with frequent spanking and biting, occasionally involving restraints, vibrating tools and strap-on phallic substitutes, with frequent domination and submission episodes. Rabbits are kinky little cunts.
5. For those searching for related porn photographs, try looking for “squirrel on girl action’.
6. Near the books about parenting.
7. Note the play on words on “generally”. Do it now.
8. Margaret Pile was a bisexual Magpie with the annoyingly long nick name of Bi-bi Maggie Pie, who also had the social clout to pull it off. Similar, but opposite to, the famed comedian Kenny Partridge-Ruffles, who insisted on being referred to only by his initials.

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