Sunday, March 02, 2008

Yeah, so....

Today I hid from a nice person. She's someone who works with me. She's new here, very nice and friendly, and gets along well with her coworkers. She occasionally tries to engage me in conversation, which is why I hide from her. Because I'm shy.

Most people who know me have a tough time believing that I am shy, but trust me it is the truth. I have a very hard time in dealing with strangers, and quite often feel overwhelmed by their attentions. I don't really know why I am so shy, although I have some suspicions. Whatever the reasons, the fact remains that I find it very difficult to engage people I do not know in converstation. I also seem to carry some kind of air or aura that makes people believe I am not shy; people tend to think I'm just standoffish and rude. So I usually end up pissing people off due to my somewhat offensive defense mechanisms.

For most of us, people come and go into and out of our lives on a more-or-less constant basis. Old friends move away, new friends come into our lives, etc. But when you don't make new friends easily, the process can seem more like erosion. Old friends fade away and are not replaced by new. Until one day you realize that you can count the number of friends you have on the fingers of one hand. I am grateful for those friends, for they are wonderful and delightful people that I love deeply. When it comes down to it, I would rather have a few real friends than a host of casual accquaintences.

Having a small circle of friends does mean that I usually don't get together with them too often. People have their own lives, families, jobs, responsibilities, etc. For those with a large pool of friends its usually not too hard to find someone to hang with for the evening. Having a small circle of friends usually means that if I am in the mood to socialize there is a good chance that everyone I know will already be busy or engaged for the evening. And to be honest, I'm not the best at reaching out to begin with. I wish I was better.

The sensation of loneliness is growing. I have been alone most of my adult life, and had thought that I was more or less used to it. Apparently something has happened to change that, and I find myself no longer content to be alone. I don't mind quiet, but occasionally the silence can become something more than just silence. Any attempts I make to describe it better just seem melodramatic.

An important event happened in my life last summer, and it has changed me. I am no longer content to be alone. I don't know if this change is for the good or not, although currently it seems to be more on the "not" side. There is a longing building in me, a yearning for something amorphous.

Maybe its just a midlife crisis. That would be nice.