Saturday, April 06, 2013

Faux-Faux Pas! So-Called "Vegan" Restaurant Caught Carving Cow!

ATV News, Los Angeles - Apr 7, 2013

When Cal Cooper first opened his all-vegan restaurant Hug-A-coW last year, neighbourhood residents were thrilled. While there were already many restaurants in the area offering a large and varied vegan selection, Hug-A-coW was the first to restaurant to cater entirely to vegan-only cuisine.

"The vegan Shamburger was incredible," says Dakota Washington, a local-area dental hygienist. "You could not tell the difference between the Shamburger and real meat."

This turned out to be more true than Dakota and other area-residents could have imagined. Independent laboratory analysis of a Hug-A-cow "Shamburger", obtained undercover, indicate there's a lot more going between the gluten-free buns (which, incidentally, tests indicate contain gluten) than just tofu.

After spectrograph analysis and testing, we have determined that the provided sample contains primarily 100% Grade-A, extra-lean, high quality cow meat." This according Dr. Samuel Snakopan, a gastric microbiologist at UCLA. "There's some other stuff in there too, like some onion, garlic, a surprising amount of bread crumbs, and a very small amount of what we are pretty sure is parsley. So to be fair, it's not entirely 100% non-vegan either."

Be that as it may, many local vegans have a mock-beef with Hug-A-Cow owner Mr. Cal Cooper. Mr. Cooper himself could not be reached for comment, releasing only a brief press release through his lawyers.

"While Mr. Cooper does not acknowledge or even necessarily believe that these vile and hateful claims are true, he does hasten to point out that beef isn't actually poisonous or anything."
Photo-insert from a menu liberated from Hug-A-coW.

Unfortunately the Shamburger was not the only ersatz-pseudo-meat on the menu. Another local favourite was the Mis-steak and Kidney-Bean Pie which, according to the menu, contained soy, kidney beans, and other tasty vegetables.

Said Dr. Snakopan, "It's got steak and kidneys in it."

Local residents have been picketing Hug-A-coW ever since word first hit the streets some three days earlier. Protests have been mostly peaceful, but tempers have flared from time to time, with several reported incidents of pushing, pinching, and hurtful name-calling.

One resident, Mr. August Crew, went so far as to stage an impromptu one-man show on the restaurant's front step. The performance was largely allegorical, with a surprising amount of dancing, and ended as Mr. Crew pretended to eat  a Shamburger, put his finger down his throat, and vomited on the front door of the establishment.

Samples of Mr. Crew's vomit were later presented to Dr. Snakopan at UCLA. "Subject's vomit contained soybacon, tofurkey, some actual meat, pasta, a baked potato, and some gum. And, for some reason, a button."

Some of the more passionate vegans amongst the protesters have formed a grass-roots organization known as AMIBM, or "All Meat is Bad Meat". There are rumors amongst the picketers that AMIBM may be considering launching a possible class-action lawsuit against Mr. Cooper. When asked if they had chosen legal representation, August Crew, Chairman of AMIBM, said, "While lawyers are throbbing parasitic leaches attached to society's teat, there comes a time when someone does something so vile, so abhorrent, that the only sensible thing to do is to throw him into a pit full of throbbing parasitic leaches."

Hug-A-Cow is located at 819 Ocean Avenue Road, down the street from the Sun&Stroke Suntan and Personal Massage Boutique. They are open Monday to Friday from 10 am to 11pm, Saturday from 7 am to 1 am, and Sundays from 1 pm to 7 pm. Reservations are recommended, but not required.

Photo Credit: uhuru1701 via Compfight cc

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