Saturday, April 20, 2013

Top 10 Tips for Success

Success. It's important, because without success, nobody would know who was better than whom. So, if success = yes, then how do you and I gain success? What are the steps to success? Can I google map it? If not, is there a place where I can learn how to success? The answer is yes to all those questions, no to several you didn't ask, and none of your gosh-darned business to that one you were thinking about in the shower.

Follow these tips and you will be rolling in it. For Real.
So wait no more. Just look below and read these, the Top 10 Tips for Success, which are more-or-less guaranteed* to make you successful beyond your wildest dreams of avarice. Which is a good thing.

1. Don't Think - Do It! Take risks! Risks are fun, and profitable, and often times lead to orgasms. If you want something, go for it! Do not try and justify every action you make. Morality is just a word, and if we didn't have dictionaries we wouldn't even know what it meant, so ergo morals are stupid. Why settle for safe and secure when you can have more than you need or deserve? Why ask yourself "What If"? Instead, ask yourself "Why the fuck not?"

2. Make your Own Opportunities. Why wait for opportunity to knock? Head outside, figure out which door he's currently knocking on, and take the success-hoarding whoremonger out from behind.

3. Have a Plan. Plans are good. Especially escape plans. That's just like, rule number one. Ok, it's rule number 3 here, but still. Have a plan, and stick with it. Never improvise, because that means your plan failed, and that means you're a failure, and that means your dad was right about you. Set goals that are just a little bit out of your reach, as unachievable expectations fuel your psychosis drive to succeed.

4. Stay Motivated. Find the parts of you that are lazy and unproductive and kill them with your motivation. When you start getting what you want you may be tempted to slow down and actually enjoy them. Fuck that. Keep your eyes on the prize, the prize being that aforementioned unattainable and unrealistic goal that prevents you from actually reaping the benefits of your hard work.

5. Be Patient. Rome wasn't built in a day, but it only took Alaric the Visigoth three days to sack it.

6. Reward Yourself. As we work and strive to obtain our deepest desires we often forget to stop and reward ourselves for doing what we want in the first place. Each time you reward yourself, try to outdo the last reward in style, value and substance. Remember, this is your own love you're buying, so don't be stingy!

7. Do not Stop Learning. Learning may sound stupid, but smart people take things from stupid people like, all the time. Even if you already think you know everything, chances are someone knows something you don't, and you need to know that thing if you are going to use it against them.

8. Learn to Delegate. It's surprising how much unpaid labour you can get out of friends and family, especially if you use words like "favour" and "a quick hand" rather than "help me move" or "collate those for me".

9. Raise your Standards. Always live one step above what you can actually afford. Money is attracted to money, and the richer people think you are, the more things they will give you for nothing. No matter what you achieve, you deserve better. No matter what car you drive, you really wanted the one you couldn't quite afford.

10. Be Thankful. No, seriously. Stop laughing. Be thankful you're one of the achievers, the gainers, the leaders and drivers of society, and not some useless bearded tit who thinks it's funny to make fun of people who could buy and sell him.

* Far, far more less than more. Like 90% less. Well, 100% less to be more or less totally honest. This guarantee is in no way shape or form a guarantee.

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