Tuesday, June 06, 2006

My Grandma

Recently, my grandmother passed away. She was a very special lady, as grandmothers tend to be. I won't say she was the best grandmother ever, like so many Hallmark cards like to claim (I just love that they mass-produce items claiming that the recipient is the best. I won't claim she was perfect. But I loved her, and she loved me.

That means something. No matter how many people you meet, annoy, befriend, live with, sleep with, fight with, etc., there will only be a finite number of people who love you. There will be plenty of people who say they love you, and don't. I hear the love word bandied around at work in casual conversation way too often. It's an important word, and shouldn't be used lightly.

Because of divorce, remarrying, etc, I have had four sets of grandparents. Most were, to put it bluntly, craptastic. For example, my father's parents. After my parents were divorced, they severed all ties with myself and my sister. Their own grandchildren. Flesh of their flesh. Suddenly we didn't exist.

My grandmother (my mom's mom) made up for all that, and more. She was so special to me, and of course, I never really did enough to make her understand that. But I loved her strongly, and I hope she knew that.

I have many regrets, naturally. I didn't visit anywhere near as often as I should have. Birthdays, holidays, the occaisional drop in. But I have one large regret. My grandmother had written her autobiography, and had asked me to type it out for her so that she could get it published online.
I have it still ... its about 1/3 done. I didn't work on it anywhere near as often as I should have. It always seemed like there was plenty of time. I suppose intellectually I was aware of the possibility that my grandmother might one day die, but emotionally the thougth didn't register. My grandma has always been very healthy, rarely even had a cold. When she went, she went relatively quickly.

I know how much it would have meant to her to see her autobiography completed. In the end, I let her down, which sucks. All I can do is recognize my error, and try not to repeat it with others that I love. Because my grandmother deserved more from me, as do the others.

I'd like to post more memories of grandma, as well as some excerpts from her autobiography. She also wrote some short stories I plan on transcribing, and hope to put some up here as well.
For now, I have to accept that she's gone. That's not easy. She has always been there, and the idea that I can't just go see her is simultaneously frightening and saddening. I miss her so much, I haven't even begun to start.

Bye, grandma.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Sounds like your writing bug came from your Grandma. Maybe in her honour you will finish typing it up and put it on the internet, she'll know.

Rach

Auntie Bernie said...

Ash,
I have a feeling your grandma's autobiography is exactly where it was intended to be.

Jerry said...

Dang, I'm sorry to hear that, Ash. My thoughts and prayers to you and your family... (8-(

JGH

Anonymous said...

Much love and condolences(if I spelled that right)

You've always got friends here if you ever need them.


We love you Ash
-The Reids

Asher Hunter said...

Thank you all for the kind words. Your special to me, even if I never admit it.

Twice the Man said...

Sorry for you loss, all my grandparents where dead by the time I was 21 --- 15 years later I still miss them, but they remain with me.

ArleneWKW said...

Also sorry for your loss, but glad that you had a grandma about whom you have such feelings. That's a blessing.

On a related matter, I wish that I had learned from my parents all that I could have about their own pasts when they were alive. I had my mother do a recording. She didn't want me to listent to it while she was still alive. She had difficulty with the machine and recording over much of what she had already recorded. I wish I had taken the time and had the interest to interview her, to seek out the information that she'd have shared and which is no longer available to me.

Asher Hunter said...

arlene, twice the man, thank you very much.

Al said...

I'm sorry for your loss. My Grandmother passed away earlier this month so I know how tough it can be.

It was nice reading your post though.


Alastair.