My Grandma

Recently, my grandmother passed away. She was a very special lady, as grandmothers tend to be. I won't say she was the best grandmother ever, like so many Hallmark cards like to claim (I just love that they mass-produce items claiming that the recipient is the best. I won't claim she was perfect. But I loved her, and she loved me.

That means something. No matter how many people you meet, annoy, befriend, live with, sleep with, fight with, etc., there will only be a finite number of people who love you. There will be plenty of people who say they love you, and don't. I hear the love word bandied around at work in casual conversation way too often. It's an important word, and shouldn't be used lightly.

Because of divorce, remarrying, etc, I have had four sets of grandparents. Most were, to put it bluntly, craptastic. For example, my father's parents. After my parents were divorced, they severed all ties with myself and my sister. Their own grandchildren. Flesh of their flesh. Suddenly we didn't exist.

My grandmother (my mom's mom) made up for all that, and more. She was so special to me, and of course, I never really did enough to make her understand that. But I loved her strongly, and I hope she knew that.

I have many regrets, naturally. I didn't visit anywhere near as often as I should have. Birthdays, holidays, the occaisional drop in. But I have one large regret. My grandmother had written her autobiography, and had asked me to type it out for her so that she could get it published online.

I have it still ... its about 1/3 done. I didn't work on it anywhere near as often as I should have. It always seemed like there was plenty of time. I suppose intellectually I was aware of the possibility that my grandmother might one day die, but emotionally the thougth didn't register. My grandma has always been very healthy, rarely even had a cold. When she went, she went relatively quickly.

I know how much it would have meant to her to see her autobiography completed. In the end, I let her down, which sucks. All I can do is recognize my error, and try not to repeat it with others that I love. Because my grandmother deserved more from me, as do the others.

I'd like to post more memories of grandma, as well as some excerpts from her autobiography. She also wrote some short stories I plan on transcribing, and hope to put some up here as well.

For now, I have to accept that she's gone. That's not easy. She has always been there, and the idea that I can't just go see her is simultaneously frightening and saddening. I miss her so much, I haven't even begun to start.

Bye, grandma.