Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Sarah Palin 2012 – Why Sarah Palin Will be the Republican Nominee for President

Disclaimer: I do not support or endorse Sarah Palin in any way. I do however believe that the GOP is going to make her the Republican presidential nominee for the November elections. This is why:

Once upon a time, like a year or so ago, the Super Secret Shadow Council of Rich White Guys Who Run the GOP got together to figure out who would be their next presidential candidate. They took a good, hard look at the potential nominees:

Sarah Palin shows off her assets.
1. Sarah Palin. Pros: She's purty. Cons: Bat shit crazy. Dumb as a bug. If she gets too much exposure over the next year she'll be about as likely to be elected as she is to count past 17.

2. Rick Santorum. Google his fucking name. Next.

3. Ron Paul. Pros: Makes the rest of the nominees look sane. Cons: Uncontrollable. Would turn on his masters, Frankenstein's Monster style. Ok, perhaps a bit more Frankenweenie than Frankenstein, but you get the idea.

4. Newt Gingrich. Pros: Degenerate whore, loyal to whomever lines his pockets the best. (Yes, to the GOP, this is a pro). Cons: He's named after a small lizard. His last name sounds like a vaginal wash. Serial adulterer. Left his first wife while she was in the hospital recovering from surgery. Left his second wife after she refused his demands for an open marriage. About as likely to be voted President of the USA as Ted Nugent's left testicle is to be voted “Miss Congeniality”.

Sarah Demonstrates safe sex.
5. Mitt Romney. Pros: Really, really, really looks like a president. Cons: Believes in the wrong Jesus. Favours moronic, foolish things like universal health care.

6. Tim Pawlenty. Pros: Tim who? Cons: Tim who?

7. Herman Cain. Pros: Negates Obama's “Black Advantage”. Cons: Dumb as a bug. People might find out about his numerous charges of sexual misconduct. Besides, have you seen this dude's smile? Creeeeepy. 

8. Michelle Bachman. Pros: She's purty. Cons: Dumb as a bug, and quite possibly malformed on a deep, genetic level.

9. Rick Perry.  Pros: From Texas. Likes killing bad people. Cons: Dumb as a bug. Hunting Lodge with a name white people aren't allowed to say. Apparently unable to maintain cogent thought processes about 40% of the time.

Sarah and her "Dwarf Gittar"
So the Super Secret Shadow Council of Rich White Guys Who Run the GOP sat back, looked at their list of potential nominees, and shuddered. They realized that their candidates would face intense media investigation over the better part of a year. They also realized that any such scrutiny was bound to reveal that each and every one of the candidates was either immoral, stupid, or borderline insane.

In the end, not a single one of them could possibly beat Obama. So they decided to change the game.

After considering all the pros and cons, the Super Secret Shadow Council of Rich White Guys Who Run the GOP decide that Sarah Palin would make the most tractable, easily-controlled stooge president and should be their nominee. However, they also realized that there was no way she could stand up to a year of in-depth examination and extended media coverage.

So they took Sarah Palin out of the game. 

The myriad of Republican Presidential Debates were nothing more than a side show, bread and circuses to entertain the masses. Wow, Herman Cain sure did sexually interfere with a lot of ladies! Haha, listen to Ron Paul talk with his silly ideas! Wow, Newt Gingrich really did cheat on his cancer-ridden wife!

The plan was to shake things up and let the scum sink to the bottom. One by one, candidates dropped out as it became more and more obvious that they were, by and large, useless puddles of ambulatory protoplasm. Eventually, the Super Secret Shadow Council of Rich White Guys Who Run the GOP knew, they would be left with only one remaining candidate.

They also realized that whomever this candidate was, he/she/it would most likely be roundly loathed by Republicans and Democrats alike. The Republicans would be left with someone they had been forced to accept by default, not someone that they actually wanted to choose. Kind of like being taken to an all-you-can-eat buffet consisting of raw sewage (collected from the homes of poor people), pubic hair (hastily scraped off the groins of people without medical insurance) and camel testicles and being told that you had to eat one of them, or your next president will be a Democrat.

So the Super Secret Shadow Council of Rich White Guys Who Run the GOP knew that whoever they put forward as the Republican nominee for President would most likely be largely hated, reviled and ridiculed. So what could they do? Well, that's where the “Brokered Convention” comes into play.

When the time comes for the official Presidential Primary, Romney will fail to garner enough votes for a majority. Meanwhile, Sarah Palin will step in to “save the party”. She has spent the majority of the previous year out of the media circus, stepping into the limelight only long enough to remind us all that she still exists.

Palin will be touted by FOX “News” and the entire GOP machine as the “last hope of the Republican Party” and “the only one who can beat Obama”. Horses will be traded, backs scratched, and quicker than you can say “Mitt Romney's numerous legal-but-highly-unethical-tax-loopholes”, Sarah Palin will be the 2012 Republican Party Nominee for President of the USA.

TL;DR – Kittens be cute. Especially in baskets. All Hail Sarah Palin, Queen of 'Murica.

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