Sunday, December 16, 2012

Handy Tips On Waking Up in the Morning

Can't wake up? Try smothering yourself with a pillow.
Waking up in the morning can be difficult. Well, not really, a bit of discipline and some self-responsibility is all you need, but we're a self indulgent lot, so getting out of bed is hard for us.
In order to stop oversleeping and get out of bed right away, there are a number of steps you can follow:
  1. Pay a friend to set your bed on fire in the morning.
  2. Place your coffee pot right next to your bed. Set the timer for when you want to wake up (if your coffee pot doesn't have a timer, you are poor, and everyone mocks you when your back is turned). Fill it with coffee grounds and water the night before, but instead of putting a carafe under the spout to catch the piping hot nectar of the gods, rig up a funnel and plastic piping to have it pour directly into your face as you sleep.
  3. Never go to sleep in the first place.
  4. If you have a spouse/significant other who sleeps with you and gets up before you, leave them a note for them to find in the morning. In the note, tell they you are breaking up with them because their genitals smell like a Caesar salad that's been left out in the hot desert sun for 3 days and then shat on by a syphilitic goat. There's no way you'll sleep through that.
Follow these handy Bad Life Tips and I personally guarantee* you will never sleep in again.

*Guarantee not valid if read, mentioned, or discussed in any way, shape or form.

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