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| Can't wake up? Try smothering yourself with a pillow. |
Waking up in the morning can be difficult. Well, not really, a bit of
discipline and some self-responsibility is all you need, but we're a
self indulgent lot, so getting out of bed is hard for us.
In order to stop oversleeping and get out of bed right away, there are a number of steps you can follow:
- Pay a friend to set your bed on fire in the morning.
- Place your coffee pot right next to your bed. Set the timer for when you want to wake up (if your coffee pot doesn't have a timer, you are poor, and everyone mocks you when your back is turned). Fill it with coffee grounds and water the night before, but instead of putting a carafe under the spout to catch the piping hot nectar of the gods, rig up a funnel and plastic piping to have it pour directly into your face as you sleep.
- Never go to sleep in the first place.
- If you have a spouse/significant other who sleeps with you and gets up before you, leave them a note for them to find in the morning. In the note, tell they you are breaking up with them because their genitals smell like a Caesar salad that's been left out in the hot desert sun for 3 days and then shat on by a syphilitic goat. There's no way you'll sleep through that.
Follow these handy Bad Life Tips and I personally guarantee* you will never sleep in again.
*Guarantee not valid if read, mentioned, or discussed in any way, shape or form.
