Wednesday, April 24, 2013


Restauranteur Cal Cooper defends from allegations his 'vegan' meals contain beef.

ATV News, Los Angeles - Apr 24, 2013
Is beef poisonous? Just where in the law books does it talk about irony? These are the questions being asked by Arnold Schwarz, lawyer to accused "vegan unfriendly" restauranteur, Cal Cooper. Said Mr. Schwarz, "There is no such thing as a beef allergy; people simply are not allergic to beef."

Mr. Schwartz's defense for Mr. Cooper capitalizes on two basic facts: beef is not toxic, and irony is not a legal concept. Mr. Cooper's "Hug-A-cow" restaurant menus do clearly state that meals contain beef. Critics of this defense point out that the menu was written in a deliberately ironic style, indicating to the sophisticated reader (through frequent use of italicization and quotation marks) that meals did not contain beef. However, when read literally, paying no attention to these so-called "indicators of irony", the menus do, in fact, state that all meals contain beef.

At the bottom of each page in the Hug-A-coW menu (a copy of which was liberated by reporters) is printed the following disclaimer.
Warning: All 'Hug-A-cow' meals contain "beef" so delicious we call it "beef". Our "beef" contains tofu, black beans, lentils, and one extra super-secret "special" ingredient. (Don't worry allergy sufferers, there are no real secrets here. All ingredients are listed in this menu.)
Actual Hug-A-coW Menu
"Read literally, the menu does indeed inform the potential diner that meals contain beef," Mr. Schwartz said in defense of the menu. "While the use of quotation marks may be a literary allusion, they have no special recognition under the law."

According to legal rights expert Professor John Connor, Mr. Schwarz is "...technically correct." Professor Connor went on to say, "While the use of italics and quotation marks may be a literary allusion indicating irony, they do not connote any particular legal meaning. Indeed, the concept of irony itself is not recognized under the law."

As for Mr. Schwartz's health claims in regards to beef allergies, according to medical expert Dr. Lena Headey, he is right. "While an intolerance may have very similar symptoms as an allergy, they are different. Allergies produce Immunoglobin antibodies in response to the substance in question. A food intolerance does not."

"Furthermore," Dr. Heady continued, "actual cases of food intolerance are extremely unusual, and are usually caused as the result of a tick or chigger bite. The fact is, allergies to soy and tofu are far, far more common than beef intolerance. Far, far, far, far more."

"The facts in this case are clear," said Mr. Schwarz. "My client did not put anyone's health at risk. He did not violate any laws. The choice to be vegan is, for most, a moral decision. Moral decisions are decisions of individual choice, and individual responsibility. No business owner can be held responsible for his customers' moral and/or karmic condition."

We spoke with Mr. August Crew, noted area vegan and one-time ardent diner at Hug-A-coW. Mr Crew is president of AMIBM (All Meat is Bad Meat), a grass-roots organization that arose in response to the discovery that their so-called vegan burgers contained very real cow flesh. AMIBM is currently considering launching a class-action lawsuit against restauranteur Cal Cooper.

"Look, that guy, Cal? Cal Cooper? His menu is literally dripping with irony. I mean, you'd open the menu and irony would literally drip down into your lap and stain your pants. Every time Cal said the word 'beef' he would always wink, or tap his nose, you know? The whole restaurant was built out of irony."

Can beef be declared unsafe for human consumption? Should our laws be written to take the concept of irony into consideration? These questions remain yet unanswered as state prosecutors continue to examine the case to determine whether or not to press charges.

Hug-A-Cow is located at 819 Ocean Avenue Road, down the street from the Sun&Stroke Suntan and Personal Massage Boutique. Due to increased local demand they are now open Monday to Friday from 10 am to 1 am, Saturday from 7 am to 2 am, and Sundays from 10 am to 11 pm. Reservations are strongly recommended.

Photo Credit: uhuru1701 via Compfight cc

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Top 10 Tips for Success

Success. It's important, because without success, nobody would know who was better than whom. So, if success = yes, then how do you and I gain success? What are the steps to success? Can I google map it? If not, is there a place where I can learn how to success? The answer is yes to all those questions, no to several you didn't ask, and none of your gosh-darned business to that one you were thinking about in the shower.

Follow these tips and you will be rolling in it. For Real.
So wait no more. Just look below and read these, the Top 10 Tips for Success, which are more-or-less guaranteed* to make you successful beyond your wildest dreams of avarice. Which is a good thing.

1. Don't Think - Do It! Take risks! Risks are fun, and profitable, and often times lead to orgasms. If you want something, go for it! Do not try and justify every action you make. Morality is just a word, and if we didn't have dictionaries we wouldn't even know what it meant, so ergo morals are stupid. Why settle for safe and secure when you can have more than you need or deserve? Why ask yourself "What If"? Instead, ask yourself "Why the fuck not?"

2. Make your Own Opportunities. Why wait for opportunity to knock? Head outside, figure out which door he's currently knocking on, and take the success-hoarding whoremonger out from behind.

3. Have a Plan. Plans are good. Especially escape plans. That's just like, rule number one. Ok, it's rule number 3 here, but still. Have a plan, and stick with it. Never improvise, because that means your plan failed, and that means you're a failure, and that means your dad was right about you. Set goals that are just a little bit out of your reach, as unachievable expectations fuel your psychosis drive to succeed.

4. Stay Motivated. Find the parts of you that are lazy and unproductive and kill them with your motivation. When you start getting what you want you may be tempted to slow down and actually enjoy them. Fuck that. Keep your eyes on the prize, the prize being that aforementioned unattainable and unrealistic goal that prevents you from actually reaping the benefits of your hard work.

5. Be Patient. Rome wasn't built in a day, but it only took Alaric the Visigoth three days to sack it.

6. Reward Yourself. As we work and strive to obtain our deepest desires we often forget to stop and reward ourselves for doing what we want in the first place. Each time you reward yourself, try to outdo the last reward in style, value and substance. Remember, this is your own love you're buying, so don't be stingy!

7. Do not Stop Learning. Learning may sound stupid, but smart people take things from stupid people like, all the time. Even if you already think you know everything, chances are someone knows something you don't, and you need to know that thing if you are going to use it against them.

8. Learn to Delegate. It's surprising how much unpaid labour you can get out of friends and family, especially if you use words like "favour" and "a quick hand" rather than "help me move" or "collate those for me".

9. Raise your Standards. Always live one step above what you can actually afford. Money is attracted to money, and the richer people think you are, the more things they will give you for nothing. No matter what you achieve, you deserve better. No matter what car you drive, you really wanted the one you couldn't quite afford.

10. Be Thankful. No, seriously. Stop laughing. Be thankful you're one of the achievers, the gainers, the leaders and drivers of society, and not some useless bearded tit who thinks it's funny to make fun of people who could buy and sell him.

* Far, far more less than more. Like 90% less. Well, 100% less to be more or less totally honest. This guarantee is in no way shape or form a guarantee.

Saturday, April 06, 2013

Faux-Faux Pas! So-Called "Vegan" Restaurant Caught Carving Cow!

ATV News, Los Angeles - Apr 7, 2013

When Cal Cooper first opened his all-vegan restaurant Hug-A-coW last year, neighbourhood residents were thrilled. While there were already many restaurants in the area offering a large and varied vegan selection, Hug-A-coW was the first to restaurant to cater entirely to vegan-only cuisine.

"The vegan Shamburger was incredible," says Dakota Washington, a local-area dental hygienist. "You could not tell the difference between the Shamburger and real meat."

This turned out to be more true than Dakota and other area-residents could have imagined. Independent laboratory analysis of a Hug-A-cow "Shamburger", obtained undercover, indicate there's a lot more going between the gluten-free buns (which, incidentally, tests indicate contain gluten) than just tofu.

After spectrograph analysis and testing, we have determined that the provided sample contains primarily 100% Grade-A, extra-lean, high quality cow meat." This according Dr. Samuel Snakopan, a gastric microbiologist at UCLA. "There's some other stuff in there too, like some onion, garlic, a surprising amount of bread crumbs, and a very small amount of what we are pretty sure is parsley. So to be fair, it's not entirely 100% non-vegan either."

Be that as it may, many local vegans have a mock-beef with Hug-A-Cow owner Mr. Cal Cooper. Mr. Cooper himself could not be reached for comment, releasing only a brief press release through his lawyers.

"While Mr. Cooper does not acknowledge or even necessarily believe that these vile and hateful claims are true, he does hasten to point out that beef isn't actually poisonous or anything."
Photo-insert from a menu liberated from Hug-A-coW.

Unfortunately the Shamburger was not the only ersatz-pseudo-meat on the menu. Another local favourite was the Mis-steak and Kidney-Bean Pie which, according to the menu, contained soy, kidney beans, and other tasty vegetables.

Said Dr. Snakopan, "It's got steak and kidneys in it."

Local residents have been picketing Hug-A-coW ever since word first hit the streets some three days earlier. Protests have been mostly peaceful, but tempers have flared from time to time, with several reported incidents of pushing, pinching, and hurtful name-calling.

One resident, Mr. August Crew, went so far as to stage an impromptu one-man show on the restaurant's front step. The performance was largely allegorical, with a surprising amount of dancing, and ended as Mr. Crew pretended to eat  a Shamburger, put his finger down his throat, and vomited on the front door of the establishment.

Samples of Mr. Crew's vomit were later presented to Dr. Snakopan at UCLA. "Subject's vomit contained soybacon, tofurkey, some actual meat, pasta, a baked potato, and some gum. And, for some reason, a button."

Some of the more passionate vegans amongst the protesters have formed a grass-roots organization known as AMIBM, or "All Meat is Bad Meat". There are rumors amongst the picketers that AMIBM may be considering launching a possible class-action lawsuit against Mr. Cooper. When asked if they had chosen legal representation, August Crew, Chairman of AMIBM, said, "While lawyers are throbbing parasitic leaches attached to society's teat, there comes a time when someone does something so vile, so abhorrent, that the only sensible thing to do is to throw him into a pit full of throbbing parasitic leaches."

Hug-A-Cow is located at 819 Ocean Avenue Road, down the street from the Sun&Stroke Suntan and Personal Massage Boutique. They are open Monday to Friday from 10 am to 11pm, Saturday from 7 am to 1 am, and Sundays from 1 pm to 7 pm. Reservations are recommended, but not required.

Photo Credit: uhuru1701 via Compfight cc