Saturday, July 12, 2014

ROMINS (Reviews of Movies I've Never Seen): Transformers 4: Age of Distinction

What can I say about Transformers 4: Age of Distinction that hasn't already been said about Hitler? A corollary of Godwin's Law tells us that once Hitler is mentioned in any way, the value of any further communication has effectively ended. This is the kind of thing that Transformers 4 does to the human soul.

T4 (I will shorten Transformers 4 to T4 from now on, much in the same way one would rather suffer a series of controlled gags as opposed to actually vomiting) tells the story of Rory Callhoon, internet billionaire and international Playboy. We follow Rory as he gets the latest Playboy centerfold tattooed on his back and then flies to disadvantaged countries and lifts up his shirt to benefit poor perverts. Rory is world famous for inventing the world's first toaster that what also turns into a toy submarine (The TubbyToaster). Rory is ably played by television's Nell Carter.

This early prototype was designed to brush teeth, but later
went on to star in micro-porn as Sextoi the Transformer.

Rory falls in love with Gloria Callhoon (no relation) played by that woman who frowns in sparkly vampire movies. Gloria, however, is in love with robots, and is obsessively trying to create the perfect man out mannequins and bits of broken Roombas. Rory tries to win her heart but fails. He resolves to try again, only this time with the help of robots that not only are robots, but can turn into other things, like cars and trucks and airplanes, which is the one and only cool thing about this movie.

So Rory goes and, I don't know what, makes or finds or steals some cool new robots that can turn into other things and they're called Transformers, because in the '80's that was a pretty big word to most people. (Remember, before 1982, most people didn't know what the word “extra-terrestrial” meant.) Rory flies in at the head of a changey-robot army which can pretty much do anything, but Rory, being male, uses them to impress girls. Or, in this case, one girl, that Gloria person who probably isn't Rory's second cousin or something.

Vacca-byte's deadly kiss sucks out autisms and injects
a powerful toxin that kills viruses and brain cells
Keep your eyes peeled for a veritable bukkake of cameos (bukkcameos?) by such noted stars as Lorne Greene as Decomposo, Jenny McCarthy as Vacca-byte the Child Imperiler, Danny Devito as “Was that Danny Devito over behind that mailbox?”, Mel Gibson as Oldman Anchor and Britney Spears as the Girl Who Gets Uncomfortable with Him Even Being Here.

Transformers 4: Age of Distinction was filmed in the great state of Texas, which explains why so many of the background performers look like meth heads. I give this move however many thumbs it takes to communicate the utmost possible contempt.


End Note: This was a very difficult review for me to write, for I am still dealing with the stress I suffered after watching Transformers 1 (The Turdening). ROMINS are, as they claim, reviews of movies I have never seen. I review a movie I haven't seen. That's the gag.

Now just because I review a movie I haven't seen, doesn't mean I don't want to see it. In fact, I usually do want to see the movies I am reviewing, and most often do. But this time, I will not watch be watching this movie. I won't watch Transformers 4 because I was warned away by Transformers 1.

Sequels inevitably water down and, given time, eventually ruin the franchise. The first Matrix movie was awesome. The second was ok, and I liked the first enough to want to like the second. The third was kinda crap. If they had only made the first Matrix movie, and ended it there, then the Matrix would probably rank as one of my favourite movies of all time. But it doesn't, because when I think of the Matrix, mixed in with the wonderful memories are memories of crap. Even the best meal, cooked by the world's greatest chef, suffers somewhat if someone drops turd on the plate.

Accepting that even the best moves movies are degraded by sequels, I wondered, oh so many years ago, what kind of crap is the Transformers series going to devolve into? Transformers 1 made me not watch Transformers 2, but I listened to what people had to say about it. Generally, they said it was good eye candy, but otherwise kind of crap. They said the same thing about T3, but phrases such as “not really worth the eye candy anymore” began to creep into people's reviews.

From what I hear, T4 is pretty much four different types of crap sandwiched between two stale Triscuits (which are later revealed to be, in fact, compacted cow crap). So this is pretty much my first ROMIWNS - Reviews of Movies I Will Never See.


Craig A. Rintoul said...

I am SHOCKED and APPALLED at your deliberate snubbing of the fine acting work done in this film by Ms. Nell Carter. SHAME on you Mr. Hunter!!!

Asher Hunter said...

But ... Nell played Rory!