Monday, February 20, 2006

The Theory of Unintelligent Design

Quite a bit has been said about the movement to discredit the theory of evolution. The people behind this movement are mostly inbred, mouth-breathing, cretinous toads with all the wit and sophistication of a lactating marmoset, but then again, they do have their bad sides. Apparently, they think the the theory of evolution - which is based on science - should not be taught in schools, alongside other silly subjects such as, one would assume, science.

Instead, kids should be taught that "somebody" (the ID people won't say who, but its probably God, ET, or Dr. Who) instead designed all life on earth from scratch. This idea is, of course, based on religious idealogy. As has been said before, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, science is for schools, and religion is for church. As Mahatma Ghandi so delicately put it: "People who support the teaching of Intelligent Design in schools are stupid motherfuckers". Ok, it might not have been Ghandi, it might have been my buddy Dave.

Assuming that the ID folks will eventually be successful (thanks, in part, to combined religious ferver and increased aluminum content in their drinking water) in their goals, I would also like to point out an alternative to another currently accepted scientific standard.

The "Theory" of Relativity
You know, the theory written by that Einsten quack. Seriously, how can you give that guy any credit when he obviously got his hair cut at Superclips? Anyway, the theory is boiled down to the famed equation, E=MC2. It's a very complex theory, with twins aging at different rates, and gravity being the same thing as acceleration, and all that crap. It also makes for some way cool bombs.

Now, let's replace this cumbersome, tired old "theory" with a new theory: The Theory of Intelligent Annoyance. Under this theory, instead of nucelear bombs exploding because of complex scientific principals, we instead assume that they go off because an Unamed Architect gets angry when Uranium is messed around with, and causes it to blow up through a liberal sprinkling of special "anger-juice".

Lets start protesting and lobbying people! Lets get the Theory of Intelligent Annoyance forced into our schools. After all, if you deny God, he might just load up a super soaker with some anger juice, and come after you.
Other Changes
Microwave Ovens: Microwave ovens heat food, not because of microwaves, but because of tiny, invisible angels with blowtorches. They should be referred to from now on as Angel-torch Ovens.
DVD Players: Forget all that circuitry and science crap! DVDs are actually condensed soul juice. You see, when someone dies, their soul can be captured, pressed, and made into a DVD (which actually stands for Deceased Video Dispatch). When placed in a DVD player, you can then observe selected moments of the lives of the deceased, and people he or she may have known. These moments can be observed on any household Talky God Picture Viewer (TgpV).


Paula said...

I've talked a bit about this book I read in relation to the Darwin theory in my May archive. The link is:

Anyways, the book is written by a Biochemical Professor at Harvard. The book is called Darwin's blackbox: the biochemical challenge.

I am neither a creationist nor a Darwinist, as with the author. This professor proves that the Darwin theory has many holes from a biochemical perspective. Unfortunately the scientific community doesn't have any solid answers to the questions that a biochemical perspective offers.
My problem is with these morons who knock the creationist people and proclaim Darwin theory as the almighty. It's not! And that doesn't mean I'm a nutbag for stating this. I also agree though that creationism isn't really science but I think it should be presented as a religious theory.
They are both theories and should be respected as such.

Asher Hunter said...

Paula, an interesting point, but you fail to address the main issue. That issue being whether creationism, under the guise of "Intelligent Design", should be taught in school science classes.

Yes, evolution is a theory, and no, it is not perfect. However, according to the scientific community at large, it is the best theory we have as to how we got here.

While creationism is also an acceptable theory, it has no basis whatsoever in scientific thought, and as such does not stand as a scientific theory. It is a religious or philosophical doctrine.

Schools, when teaching science, teach whatever the scientific community at large has determined to be right. Has science ever been wrong? Hell yes. Anyone who ever found out that the brontosaurus never actually existed knows that. However, all we can do is soldier on with the information we have at hand, and do our best.

The issue here is about creationism being taught in schools as a scientifically valid theory. It is not a scientifically valid theory. It is a doctrine, it is dogma.

Religion is taught in church. Should the RC church start teaching evolution as a reasonable alternative to Genesis?

Peter said...

First, you take a dead soul, and grind it up into a fine powder. Then you get some old stale chewing gum and you mix the powdered soul with the gum. You put it in the fridge for a few hours until it is hard. You take it out and chew it and...voila... you have soul flavoured bubble gum.