Tuesday, February 21, 2006

"Unnamed Designer" Steps Forward

San Francisco (Reuters) - In a move that shocked the scientific community today, Intelligent Design's "unnamed designer" stepped forward to identify herself. Helen Shapiro, aged 46,736,225,654 today admitted to creating the universe and guiding the process of evolution "just to piss off her husband".
According to Mrs. Shapiro, she had become tired of nagging her husgand, JHVH Shapiro, to do certain chores around the house, such as putting out the garbage and creating the universe. Apparently, JHVH was of the impression that, left to its own devices, the universe would eventually create itself. Mrs. Shapiro disagreed, and set about to do the job herself.
"It's been a lot of hard work," said Mrs. Shapiro at a crowded press conference, "but it's been a lot of fun too. The Big Bang was really loud. We had some friends over to barbeque and watch it. Of course, barbecues are one of the few times that that lazy bugger JHVH pulls His weight."
Mrs. Shapiro answered questions adroitly, whether they were placed by the press or by gathered scientists from all fields. Some of the many questions answered and asked by the crowd were:

Question: Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
Answer: The egg, obviously. As creatures were evolving, the biggest steps of evolution came from parent to child. Once, there was a bird that was almost, but not exactly, like a chicken (although it still tasted like chicken). A little nudge, mutation wise, in the genes, and the next egg laid contained a chicken, instead of an almost-but-not-quite-a-chicken.

Question: Is it morally acceptable to kill in God's name?
Answer: [ed. This question was met by stoney silence and a disapproving glare, which stretched on for a few minutes.] Next question.

Question: How many roads must a man walk down?
Answer: What kind of question is that? It doesn't even make sense! In order to what? What's the man's goal when walking down the road? If the man's goal is to get to the store, and there is a store on the same street he lives in, the answer is one. One road. New rule, no more questions from Bob Dylan songs. [ed. Half the raised hands in the room came down at this point.]
Question: Which is the one true religion?
Answer: Scientology. Hah, kidding. There is no one "true" religion. Anyone who says otherwise is selling you something.

Question: Should we be teaching evolution to our school children?
Answer: Absolutely. Think this through. If you've accepted that some divine being has chosen to create the universe, and you've accepted the idea that evolution is a real thing, you should be studying evolution. If a divine being has chosen this method, you should study it, learn what you can from it, and see where that takes you. This whole "intelligent design" thing is silly. Why waste your time searching for the man behind the curtain?

Mrs. Shapiro ended her press conference early, as she had a pie in the oven. JHVH, as ususal, was unavailable for comment.

9 comments:

Mimosa said...

You continue to amuse greatly while I'm stuck at home sick. As soon as I replace hard drive and get serious about my own blog, I'd love to link to some of your wittier posts.

Jenn

Asher Hunter said...

Mimosa: I'm glad to know I'm helping put a smile on your face! Get well soon, we all miss you!

Mimosa said...

Thanx. Earliest ETA for return now some time in April. Have to wait until cleared by specilist in TO now.

A little break is nice, but this sucks.

Regards to all.

SEND FUNNIES

Smacky said...

Reading your blog brings to mind those heady days of the Algonquin Round Table. In specific, the heady, potent puddles of vomit and vaginal discharge left under the table by Dorothy Parker.

Asher Hunter said...

Ok, smacky, thanks for the compliment. (could be worse, could be Oprah's vaginal discharge).

ArleneWKW said...

I enjoy your humor. BTW Helen Shapiro used to be my babysitter - until she turned my kitty into a 3 headed toad.

Kim Ayres said...

Love it!

Lord Lessismore said...

Asher,
I'm catching up on lost blog time and missed this when posted. Most excellent! I'm sending a link to all my pals on both sides of the "debate." I appreciate someone injecting levity into a topic that is taken way too seriously by some idiots in the US who want to send us back 200 years in time.

Asher Hunter said...

Arlene: Thank you, and say Hi to Helen for me! She makes a great apple crumble.

Kim: Thank you!

Lord: Thank you so much - link forwarding, like imitation, is the sincerest form of flattery!