Thursday, December 08, 2005

Old Man Winter can Kiss My Ass

As I stepped outside today, a blast of cold air swept across me. This gust of wind took one look at my winter parka, my large, thick scarf, my sweater, and my gloves, and laughed itself silly as it pierced through each and every layer. It proceeded onwards, like some phallically targeted groinal Cruise missile, and proceeded to freeze my testicles to ice. My testicles, naturally, reacted to this freezing deluge by immediately shrinking to the size of grapes (or, more accurately, raisins).

So I proceeded to my car, which had, predictably I suppose, been covered by a thick layer of frost. Much like Antarctica can be said to be covered by a thick layer of frost. Luckily, I have a window scraper thingy. Unluckily, its one of those cheap wooden ones that you buy at the dollar store. It serves well as a paint stir-stick, and does a reasonably decent job at removing thin layers of snow. As far as nasty, frightening hoarfrost is concerned, the tool was sadly inadequate.
After about 10 minutes of heavy scraping (which sounds like the S&M version of heavy petting), I had managed to produce a series of thin scratches and nicks in the frost, enough for me to see through if I squinted my eyes and turned my head sideways. The heater had been running in the car now for more than 10 minutes, full blast, which meant that the car was still blowing ice cold air (my heater takes about 20 minutes to warm up, which is very handy considering that the majority of my drives are 15 minutes in duration or less).

I got into the car, slamming the door against the artic gale that was trying to flay the flesh from my bones. I cursed the cold. I looked at my car's thermometer reading and discovered that the temperature outside was only -9 celsius. -9. That's not very cold. We will be soon dropping down to temperatures in the -20's, without even factoring in the wind chill.

I am so not ready for winter. If winter was a person, and that person was male, I would cock-punch Winter.
By the way, if you look carefully at the picture of the raisins above, you will see that they have all been the recipients of a chocolate snowflake.

4 comments:

Rach said...

Tell me more about the heavy petting...

Anonymous said...

this will change the way I look at chocolate covered raisins - forever!

Anonymous said...

People in Winnepeg think we are all pussies because they have it MUCH worse. I would prefer warm weather all year round, but I'll take this crap over -40.

If winter were a guy, I would smack him in the back of the head as hard as I can with a cast iron frying pan. They do call it old man winter, so let's start beating up old men and see if this weather goes away suddenly. We could start with the actor that plays Dumbledor.

BStrong said...

Time for a vacation Ash. Sorry about your raisins, stick them in some warm water and bring them back to life. As for the cold, I'm not a big fan unless there is a ton of snow on the ground.

The worst for me is getting into a cold car. I will be checking into one of those electric starters.

Stay warm,
B