Why I love the TV Show "Archer", by Asher Hunter, age 47

[Note: I'll try to keep this spoiler free, but there are a few I can't avoid.]

[Another Note: I refer to those involved in the show as “them” and “they”, and not to any individual creative element, because I believe the show functions as a team, and every aspect and element of the team behind “Archer” excels. All the factual information you need on the show can be found here.]

I love "Archer" because it evolves. I tend to enthuse so much about Season 1 because I look at it through my "now" eyes instead of remembering back to my "then" eyes. It is true it took them about 6-8 episodes to really find their stride, working through some basic character elements, etc. Pam, for example, is by far NOT the person she seemed to be in the first few episodes.

That said, they do find their groove quickly, and once they do they don't make the mistake of letting it turn into a rut. They're not afraid to offend, and yet the characters retain an essential humanity that makes me like them all. God help me, Dr. Krieger is everything I would hate in a real person, and yet love in Krieger.The jokes themselves evolve, and although they do go the same well fairly often, they always come back with a new variation on the original that keeps things fresh and organic.

"Uta!" That's how you talk.

The litany of bad guys has only one flaw. SO many villains I love come and go so quickly I never really have time I need to enjoy them all. I want more Conway! More Mannfred and Uta! More Spelvin and Chan(s)! Charles and Rudy! Honestly, these characters are so great it's almost a crime this show isn't spitting out spin-offs like some sort of spitting thing that spits out a lot of other things.

Now, don't get me wrong folks, I love Ray and Woodhouse, but I'm going to focus on my favourites.

As for the main characters:

First of all, it's "Dr. I'll Solve Your Ant Problem."

Dr. Krieger. I should hate this guy. Like really, really. No spoilers, but jeez, the more you find out about Krieger, the more you keep wondering why the FBI hasn't made him Public Enemy #1. And yet, for some reason, I like him. He definitely keeps things interesting. He is the Venn Diagram where chaos and science overlap.

I didn't care for her at first, but once Pam found her backbone, I was like, wtf. Looking back, I think maybe she was playing possum at first, trying to fit in at ISIS, and keep her private life a secret. Eventually she realized that you probably can't keep secrets from spies. Luckily she had also realized everyone else working their was bat-shit crazy, she saw fit to unleash her inner bad-ass.

It has to be your place. Mine totally reeks of ocelot piss.

It's a damned good thing Cheryl's rich, because there's no way she could function in society without effectively-limitless wealth behind her. Her idiosyncrasies are bizarre, dangerous, unhealthy, and yet somehow cute, like say if a puppy was somehow firing a .50 caliber machine gun at a bus full of grade-school bullies.

Now Cyril is the kind of guy I love to hate. He seems straight-forward and honest at first, but soon reveals his inner douche. His neediness and insecurity act as feedback loops guaranteeing he'll live the exact life he fears to live, and yet he seemingly revels and rejoices in his own downward spiral. So yeah, it's a laugh when bad things happen to him.

Malory Archer I believes sets the adage: you can't be a good parent and a good spy. Malory appears to be okay with this, and has no problem enjoying making life bad for her son. Her parenting ranges from criminal neglect to deliberate, pointless cruelty, and yet she somehow manages to maintain a precariously-balanced dysfunctional relationship with those around her. I believe Malory Archer and Lucille Bluth would love meeting one another.

Baby, I AM putting you in the corner!

I would say Lana's the closest to an actual functioning adult at ISIS. She's bad-ass, and knows when to apply excessive force, and isn't shy about redefining the word "excessive" based on the situation. When someone acts irrationally and things get messed up as a result, Lana's among the first with a barb. However, act irrationally and somehow manage to achieve actual positive results, and Lana is smart enough to go along for the ride ... while still slinging a few piercing barbs along the way.

Archer. I would love this guy in real life. Don't get me wrong, he's a dick, but he knows he's a dick, is happy being a dick, and doesn't really care what anyone else thinks about that. Malory's parenting provides us with the ability to still love Archer, because no matter how bizarre his behaviour gets, we can't help but believe - in light of his upbringing - that he's actually a pretty well balanced guy. And he really is a good spy. A bit like “Get Smart” was a good spy, but he gets the job done. Archer may also be autistic, which is awesome.

Something something danger zone. I know. I'm not even trying anymore.

Despite their various severely deformed personality flaws, I like all the main characters. First, because they're funny. Secondly, and I think most importantly, because they are, for the most part, honest about who they are. They own their idiosyncrasies proudly, and (apart from Cyril) they don't try to hide from who they are. If they do something that offends, they don't hide behind false apologies (well, except again for Cyril). Their attitude is basically: “That's right, I did do that, now what are you going to do about it?”

The Story of Why I Hates Me Some Chickens

Chickens are Racist.

I helped on my grandmother's farm for one summer. I got to know the animals. Cows are gentle and stupid. Horses are fun and surprisingly friendly. Pigs are smarter than I'm comfortable with. Goats are tough, but fair.

But chickens are little jerks. Like, if you took the meanest girl in high school and bred her with the most psychotically violent guy and then cloned that baby over and over again, the covered the offspring with feathers and gave them beaks and very sharp claws.

You know what chickens do when one of them gets injured? They peck it to death. You know what chickens do when one of them gets sick? They peck it to death. They fight constantly, violently. Pretty much any situation which involves a momentary disadvantage to one chicken will result in all the other chickens pecking the first chicken to death.

When collecting eggs I learned quickly that you wore the leather gloves, not to keep bird poop off your hands (but yeah, that too, because chickens shit on EVERYTHING, including seed they themselves are eating) but to protect you from violent pecking. Because chickens want to peck you. They're not like cutesy Disney farm cartoon chickens that cluck Beethoven's Fifth as they pump out nice clean eggs. They are evil, malicious twat-demons that are, I am reasonably certain, descended directly from velociraptors.

Even chickens hate chickens. I'm sure now and then a really nice chicken is born, but then the others peck it to death. I'm actually thankful that chickens are such little shit-Hitlers (shitlers?) because I don't feel guilty when I eat them. And it's like all that hate and anger somehow makes them very, very tasty. Which I do appreciate.

FAUX-FAUX-BEEF FAKE VEGAN MEALS

Restauranteur Cal Cooper defends from allegations his 'vegan' meals contain beef.

"VEGAN" MEALS CONTAIN BEEF. DEFENSE LAWYER SPEAKS OUT

ATV News, Los Angeles - Apr 24, 2013

 

Is beef poisonous? Just where in the law books does it talk about irony? These are the questions being asked by Arnold Schwarz, lawyer to accused "vegan unfriendly" restauranteur, Cal Cooper. Said Mr. Schwarz, "There is no such thing as a beef allergy; people simply are not allergic to beef."

Mr. Schwartz's defense for Mr. Cooper capitalizes on two basic facts: beef is not toxic, and irony is not a legal concept. Mr. Cooper's "Hug-A-cow" restaurant menus do clearly state that meals contain beef. Critics of this defense point out that the menu was written in a deliberately ironic style, indicating to the sophisticated reader (through frequent use of italicization and quotation marks) that meals did not contain beef. However, when read literally, paying no attention to these so-called "indicators of irony", the menus do, in fact, state that all meals contain beef.

At the bottom of each page in the Hug-A-coW menu (a copy of which was liberated by reporters) is printed the following disclaimer.

Warning: All 'Hug-A-cow' meals contain "beef" so delicious we call it "beef". Our "beef" contains tofu, black beans, lentils, and one extra super-secret "special" ingredient. (Don't worry allergy sufferers, there are no real secrets here. All ingredients are listed in this menu.)

Actual Hug-A-coW Menu

"Read literally, the menu does indeed inform the potential diner that meals contain beef," Mr. Schwartz said in defense of the menu. "While the use of quotation marks may be a literary allusion, they have no special recognition under the law."

According to legal rights expert Professor John Connor, Mr. Schwarz is "...technically correct." Professor Connor went on to say, "While the use of italics and quotation marks may be a literary allusion indicating irony, they do not connote any particular legal meaning. Indeed, the concept of irony itself is not recognized under the law."

As for Mr. Schwartz's health claims in regards to beef allergies, according to medical expert Dr. Lena Headey, he is right. "While an intolerance may have very similar symptoms as an allergy, they are different. Allergies produce Immunoglobin antibodies in response to the substance in question. A food intolerance does not."

"Furthermore," Dr. Heady continued, "actual cases of food intolerance are extremely unusual, and are usually caused as the result of a tick or chigger bite. The fact is, allergies to soy and tofu are far, far more common than beef intolerance. Far, far, far, far more."

"The facts in this case are clear," said Mr. Schwarz. "My client did not put anyone's health at risk. He did not violate any laws. The choice to be vegan is, for most, a moral decision. Moral decisions are decisions of individual choice, and individual responsibility. No business owner can be held responsible for his customers' moral and/or karmic condition."

We spoke with Mr. August Crew, noted area vegan and one-time ardent diner at Hug-A-coW. Mr Crew is president of AMIBM (All Meat is Bad Meat), a grass-roots organization that arose in response to the discovery that their so-called vegan burgers contained very real cow flesh. AMIBM is currently considering launching a class-action lawsuit against restauranteur Cal Cooper.

"Look, that guy, Cal? Cal Cooper? His menu is literally dripping with irony. I mean, you'd open the menu and irony would literally drip down into your lap and stain your pants. Every time Cal said the word 'beef' he would always wink, or tap his nose, you know? The whole restaurant was built out of irony."

Can beef be declared unsafe for human consumption? Should our laws be written to take the concept of irony into consideration? These questions remain yet unanswered as state prosecutors continue to examine the case to determine whether or not to press charges.

Hug-A-Cow is located at 819 Ocean Avenue Road, down the street from the Sun&Stroke Suntan and Personal Massage Boutique. Due to increased local demand they are now open Monday to Friday from 10 am to 1 am, Saturday from 7 am to 2 am, and Sundays from 10 am to 11 pm. Reservations are strongly recommended.

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Photo Credit: uhuru1701 via Compfight cc

Top 10 Tips for Success

Success. It's important, because without success, nobody would know who was better than whom. So, if success = yes, then how do you and I gain success? What are the steps to success? Can I google map it? If not, is there a place where I can learn how to success? The answer is yes to all those questions, no to several you didn't ask, and none of your gosh-darned business to that one you were thinking about in the shower.

Follow these tips and you will be rolling in it. For Real.

So wait no more. Just look below and read these, the Top 10 Tips for Success, which are more-or-less guaranteed* to make you successful beyond your wildest dreams of avarice. Which is a good thing.

1. Don't Think - Do It! Take risks! Risks are fun, and profitable, and often times lead to orgasms. If you want something, go for it! Do not try and justify every action you make. Morality is just a word, and if we didn't have dictionaries we wouldn't even know what it meant, so ergo morals are stupid. Why settle for safe and secure when you can have more than you need or deserve? Why ask yourself "What If"? Instead, ask yourself "Why the fuck not?"

2. Make your Own Opportunities. Why wait for opportunity to knock? Head outside, figure out which door he's currently knocking on, and take the success-hoarding whoremonger out from behind.

3. Have a Plan. Plans are good. Especially escape plans. That's just like, rule number one. Ok, it's rule number 3 here, but still. Have a plan, and stick with it. Never improvise, because that means your plan failed, and that means you're a failure, and that means your dad was right about you. Set goals that are just a little bit out of your reach, as unachievable expectations fuel your psychosis drive to succeed.

4. Stay Motivated. Find the parts of you that are lazy and unproductive and kill them with your motivation. When you start getting what you want you may be tempted to slow down and actually enjoy them. Fuck that. Keep your eyes on the prize, the prize being that aforementioned unattainable and unrealistic goal that prevents you from actually reaping the benefits of your hard work.

5. Be Patient. Rome wasn't built in a day, but it only took Alaric the Visigoth three days to sack it.

6. Reward Yourself. As we work and strive to obtain our deepest desires we often forget to stop and reward ourselves for doing what we want in the first place. Each time you reward yourself, try to outdo the last reward in style, value and substance. Remember, this is your own love you're buying, so don't be stingy!

7. Do not Stop Learning. Learning may sound stupid, but smart people take things from stupid people like, all the time. Even if you already think you know everything, chances are someone knows something you don't, and you need to know that thing if you are going to use it against them.

8. Learn to Delegate. It's surprising how much unpaid labour you can get out of friends and family, especially if you use words like "favour" and "a quick hand" rather than "help me move" or "collate those for me".

9. Raise your Standards. Always live one step above what you can actually afford. Money is attracted to money, and the richer people think you are, the more things they will give you for nothing. No matter what you achieve, you deserve better. No matter what car you drive, you really wanted the one you couldn't quite afford.

10. Be Thankful. No, seriously. Stop laughing. Be thankful you're one of the achievers, the gainers, the leaders and drivers of society, and not some useless bearded tit who thinks it's funny to make fun of people who could buy and sell him.

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* Far, far more less than more. Like 90% less. Well, 100% less to be more or less totally honest. This guarantee is in no way shape or form a guarantee.

Faux-Faux Pas! So-Called "Vegan" Restaurant Caught Carving Cow!

POPULAR LOS ANGELES VEGAN RESTAURANT CAUGHT SERVING REAL MEAT

ATV News, Los Angeles - Apr 7, 2013

When Cal Cooper first opened his all-vegan restaurant Hug-A-coW last year, neighbourhood residents were thrilled. While there were already many restaurants in the area offering a large and varied vegan selection, Hug-A-coW was the first to restaurant to cater entirely to vegan-only cuisine.

"The vegan Shamburger was incredible," says Dakota Washington, a local-area dental hygienist. "You could not tell the difference between the Shamburger and real meat."

This turned out to be more true than Dakota and other area-residents could have imagined. Independent laboratory analysis of a Hug-A-cow "Shamburger", obtained undercover, indicate there's a lot more going between the gluten-free buns (which, incidentally, tests indicate contain gluten) than just tofu.

After spectrograph analysis and testing, we have determined that the provided sample contains primarily 100% Grade-A, extra-lean, high quality cow meat." This according Dr. Samuel Snakopan, a gastric microbiologist at UCLA. "There's some other stuff in there too, like some onion, garlic, a surprising amount of bread crumbs, and a very small amount of what we are pretty sure is parsley. So to be fair, it's not entirely 100% non-vegan either."

Be that as it may, many local vegans have a mock-beef with Hug-A-Cow owner Mr. Cal Cooper. Mr. Cooper himself could not be reached for comment, releasing only a brief press release through his lawyers.

"While Mr. Cooper does not acknowledge or even necessarily believe that these vile and hateful claims are true, he does hasten to point out that beef isn't actually poisonous or anything."

Photo-insert from a menu liberated from Hug-A-coW.

Unfortunately the Shamburger was not the only ersatz-pseudo-meat on the menu. Another local favourite was the Mis-steak and Kidney-Bean Pie which, according to the menu, contained soy, kidney beans, and other tasty vegetables.

Said Dr. Snakopan, "It's got steak and kidneys in it."

Local residents have been picketing Hug-A-coW ever since word first hit the streets some three days earlier. Protests have been mostly peaceful, but tempers have flared from time to time, with several reported incidents of pushing, pinching, and hurtful name-calling.

One resident, Mr. August Crew, went so far as to stage an impromptu one-man show on the restaurant's front step. The performance was largely allegorical, with a surprising amount of dancing, and ended as Mr. Crew pretended to eat  a Shamburger, put his finger down his throat, and vomited on the front door of the establishment.

Samples of Mr. Crew's vomit were later presented to Dr. Snakopan at UCLA. "Subject's vomit contained soybacon, tofurkey, some actual meat, pasta, a baked potato, and some gum. And, for some reason, a button."

Some of the more passionate vegans amongst the protesters have formed a grass-roots organization known as AMIBM, or "All Meat is Bad Meat". There are rumors amongst the picketers that AMIBM may be considering launching a possible class-action lawsuit against Mr. Cooper. When asked if they had chosen legal representation, August Crew, Chairman of AMIBM, said, "While lawyers are throbbing parasitic leaches attached to society's teat, there comes a time when someone does something so vile, so abhorrent, that the only sensible thing to do is to throw him into a pit full of throbbing parasitic leaches."

Hug-A-Cow is located at 819 Ocean Avenue Road, down the street from the Sun&Stroke Suntan and Personal Massage Boutique. They are open Monday to Friday from 10 am to 11pm, Saturday from 7 am to 1 am, and Sundays from 1 pm to 7 pm. Reservations are recommended, but not required.

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Photo Credit: uhuru1701 via Compfight cc

The Answer, My Friend, Is Blowing in the Wind (Mobile, that is)

I've had a cellphone with Wind for a couple of years. I've been generally happy with their service, even though coverage has been spotty at best. However, I loved the price - $40 a month. That covered unlimited calling in North America as well as a whole bunch of bells and whistles, but the important thing from my perspective was the unlimited data plan. Because I am a data whore, and I'm an all-you-can-eat kind of data whore.

I hate the in ridiculous price gouging that most major cell phone providers engage in when charging for internet access. When I got my Wind phone, I checked around, and the cheapest comparable plan with unlimited data was $95/month with Bell. Wind was a great deal.

Times change. Now pretty much everyplace I go has free wi-fi. I didn't really need the data plan anymore. I decided to change my monthly Wind plan to the $20/month plan. Like a virgin on her wedding night, I asked myself, "How hard could it be"?

I went to Wind's website. I read webpages, I looked in faqs, I used the site's help and search features. Nowhere could I figure out how to change my plan online. There was a LOT of useful information about how I could sign up if I wasn't already a customer, but I couldn't find out how to change plans if you were already signed up. Which I was. So the website couldn't help me, but if I wasn't already a customer, it could have helped me. I guess Wind prefers to stress "potential customer service" over actual customer service.

So I sent them an email. Wind responded promptly the next day, telling me I had to call the customer service number and they could change my plan for me. So I called customer service number. A nice recorded message came on telling me that, instead of bothering a nice Wind agent, I could go to their website and do whatever it was I had to do online. This annoyed me a tad, because (a) the website had already failed me, and (b) I just want to talk to person, dammit.

After being gently scolded for not doing my business online, I was allowed to access the automated menu. I listened patiently to the options. Then I listened to the options again. Then I listened to the options a third time. Nothing about changing plans. The closest I could come was "If you are a new customer and would like to sign up for Wind mobile, Press 5". I pressed 5, and got a person right away, whom I will call Steven. Even though I wasn't a new customer, Steven was happy to help me.

Here's a bit of background: my old plan was $40 a month, billed monthly, on a pay as you go basis. The great thing with Wind is there's no contract, so if you don't pay the bill one month, the only thing that happens is your phone doesn't work for that month. If you top up half way through, you're charged a pro-rated rate for the remaining time in the month, which is quite fair.

I hadn't paid for the month of Feb 13-Mar13 (my billing period) until today, so the automated system  charged me $13.00 for service (that's prorated for 3 days of service). I tried to change my plan before I paid, but I was told that I had to have an active account in order to close it and change to another account. Don't ask me why.

So I paid $13 to get my phone working, and called Wind and finally reached Steven. I asked Steven to change my plan from the $40/month to the $20/month. He said sure, no problem. Very polite fellow. He clicks a few buttons then tells me "We'll have to add an account activation surcharge (or some such gobbledygook), so with your next month's payment, surcharge and taxes, that will be $31.00".

I was confused. I explained to Steven that I just paid $13 not twenty minutes ago. I told him I was changing to a plan that costs $20, so it seemed to me like you take my 13, subtract it from 20, and I owe you seven bucks.

I can't exactly replicate what Steven said next, because frankly it wasn't making much sense. What it did boil down to was Wind was going to just keep my $13 bucks I had paid not 20 minutes earlier. That was gone. Then they were going to close my old plan, open a new plan charged at $20 a month, then charge me a further $11.00 penalty.

"No sir, it's not a penalty, it's an activation fee," says Steven, one presumes with a straight face.

"Well Steven, if it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and costs me $24 bucks like a duck, it's a penalty. You're really starting to make Koodoo sound like a good idea."

Pause.

"Well sir, I will tell you, what I can do for you today sir is I will close your old plan and apply your $13.00 to a new $20/month plan. You will be charged $7.00 for the difference."

"Thank you Steven. Let's do that."

It saddens me that I had to threaten to change to another company to get reasonable help. Wind, why must you make "customer service" a house of lies?

ROMINS (Reviews of Movies I've Never Seen): Les Misérables (Semi NSFW)

Nell Misérables

Wow. I have to admit, I have never been so moved by a movie I have never seen before. Right from the beginning, people talking about how stirring Les Misérables is grabs hold of your heart and wrings every bitter-sweet drop of joy/sorrow from your heart, then fills it up again with sadness and death. Quite uplifting.

Les Misérables tells the story of Becky, a young French Prostitute and part-time kiln played quite ably by television's Nell Carter. Becky had trained in school to be a nanny, but had all chance of a normal life stolen from her by an unfortunate accident involving a footstool, a hand mirror, and a vat of chemical lobotomy fluid.

Forced into a life on the streets, young Becky runs into Fagan or something (played by Wolverine). They get up to all sorts of shenanigans, comical kerfuffles, and humorous hullabaloos, but always remember to take time to get deeply depressing again and sing about it.

Watch for cameos from such famous people as Christopher Lee as Captain Fancypants (Note: The scenes starring Captain Fancypants were later cut from the finished film. Rumour has it, Mr. Lee was furious), John Stamos as Mr. Inexplicablynude, and John Travolta as the Magical Revolving Outhouse, who sings the stirring "How Long Before Jersey Shore does Porn?".

Apparently before Les Misérables was a movie, it was a big hit with the musical theatre folks on Broadway. Of course, back then it was called "Sweeney Todd", only when they made the movie they took out the bits about  killing and eating people. I think. Come to think of it, there were some hungry people in Les Misérables, and some of them do disappear without any kind of explanation...

I give this movie two thumbs down, in the traditional Roman way.

Handy Tips On Waking Up in the Morning

Can't wake up? Try smothering yourself with a pillow.

Waking up in the morning can be difficult. Well, not really, a bit of discipline and some self-responsibility is all you need, but we're a self indulgent lot, so getting out of bed is hard for us.

In order to stop oversleeping and get out of bed right away, there are a number of steps you can follow:

1. Pay a friend to set your bed on fire in the morning.
2. Place your coffee pot right next to your bed. Set the timer for when you want to wake up (if your coffee pot doesn't have a timer, you are poor, and everyone mocks you when your back is turned). Fill it with coffee grounds and water the night before, but instead of putting a carafe under the spout to catch the piping hot nectar of the gods, rig up a funnel and plastic piping to have it pour directly into your face as you sleep.
3. Never go to sleep in the first place.
4. If you have a spouse/significant other who sleeps with you and gets up before you, leave them a note for them to find in the morning. In the note, tell they you are breaking up with them because their genitals smell like a Caesar salad that's been left out in the hot desert sun for 3 days and then shat on by a syphilitic goat. There's no way you'll sleep through that.

Follow these handy Bad Life Tips and I personally guarantee* you will never sleep in again.

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^{*Guarantee not valid if read, mentioned, or discussed in any way, shape or form.}

Sarah Palin 2012 – Why Sarah Palin Will be the Republican Nominee for President

Disclaimer: I do not support or endorse Sarah Palin in any way. I do however believe that the GOP is going to make her the Republican presidential nominee for the November elections. This is why:

Once upon a time, like a year or so ago, the Super Secret Shadow Council of Rich White Guys Who Run the GOP got together to figure out who would be their next presidential candidate. They took a good, hard look at the potential nominees:

Sarah Palin shows off her assets.

1. Sarah Palin. Pros: She's purty. Cons: Bat shit crazy. Dumb as a bug. If she gets too much exposure over the next year she'll be about as likely to be elected as she is to count past 17.

2. Rick Santorum. Google his fucking name. Next.

3. Ron Paul. Pros: Makes the rest of the nominees look sane. Cons: Uncontrollable. Would turn on his masters, Frankenstein's Monster style. Ok, perhaps a bit more Frankenweenie than Frankenstein, but you get the idea.

4. Newt Gingrich. Pros: Degenerate whore, loyal to whomever lines his pockets the best. (Yes, to the GOP, this is a pro). Cons: He's named after a small lizard. His last name sounds like a vaginal wash. Serial adulterer. Left his first wife while she was in the hospital recovering from surgery. Left his second wife after she refused his demands for an open marriage. About as likely to be voted President of the USA as Ted Nugent's left testicle is to be voted “Miss Congeniality”.

Sarah Demonstrates safe sex.

5. Mitt Romney. Pros: Really, really, really looks like a president. Cons: Believes in the wrong Jesus. Favours moronic, foolish things like universal health care.

6. Tim Pawlenty. Pros: Tim who? Cons: Tim who?

7. Herman Cain. Pros: Negates Obama's “Black Advantage”. Cons: Dumb as a bug. People might find out about his numerous charges of sexual misconduct. Besides, have you seen this dude's smile? Creeeeepy. 

8. Michelle Bachman. Pros: She's purty. Cons: Dumb as a bug, and quite possibly malformed on a deep, genetic level.

9. Rick Perry.  Pros: From Texas. Likes killing bad people. Cons: Dumb as a bug. Hunting Lodge with a name white people aren't allowed to say. Apparently unable to maintain cogent thought processes about 40% of the time.

Sarah and her "Dwarf Gittar"

So the Super Secret Shadow Council of Rich White Guys Who Run the GOP sat back, looked at their list of potential nominees, and shuddered. They realized that their candidates would face intense media investigation over the better part of a year. They also realized that any such scrutiny was bound to reveal that each and every one of the candidates was either immoral, stupid, or borderline insane.

In the end, not a single one of them could possibly beat Obama. So they decided to change the game.

After considering all the pros and cons, the Super Secret Shadow Council of Rich White Guys Who Run the GOP decide that Sarah Palin would make the most tractable, easily-controlled stooge president and should be their nominee. However, they also realized that there was no way she could stand up to a year of in-depth examination and extended media coverage.

So they took Sarah Palin out of the game. 

The myriad of Republican Presidential Debates were nothing more than a side show, bread and circuses to entertain the masses. Wow, Herman Cain sure did sexually interfere with a lot of ladies! Haha, listen to Ron Paul talk with his silly ideas! Wow, Newt Gingrich really did cheat on his cancer-ridden wife!

The plan was to shake things up and let the scum sink to the bottom. One by one, candidates dropped out as it became more and more obvious that they were, by and large, useless puddles of ambulatory protoplasm. Eventually, the Super Secret Shadow Council of Rich White Guys Who Run the GOP knew, they would be left with only one remaining candidate.

They also realized that whomever this candidate was, he/she/it would most likely be roundly loathed by Republicans and Democrats alike. The Republicans would be left with someone they had been forced to accept by default, not someone that they actually wanted to choose. Kind of like being taken to an all-you-can-eat buffet consisting of raw sewage (collected from the homes of poor people), pubic hair (hastily scraped off the groins of people without medical insurance) and camel testicles and being told that you had to eat one of them, or your next president will be a Democrat.

So the Super Secret Shadow Council of Rich White Guys Who Run the GOP knew that whoever they put forward as the Republican nominee for President would most likely be largely hated, reviled and ridiculed. So what could they do? Well, that's where the “Brokered Convention” comes into play.

When the time comes for the official Presidential Primary, Romney will fail to garner enough votes for a majority. Meanwhile, Sarah Palin will step in to “save the party”. She has spent the majority of the previous year out of the media circus, stepping into the limelight only long enough to remind us all that she still exists.

Palin will be touted by FOX “News” and the entire GOP machine as the “last hope of the Republican Party” and “the only one who can beat Obama”. Horses will be traded, backs scratched, and quicker than you can say “Mitt Romney's numerous legal-but-highly-unethical-tax-loopholes”, Sarah Palin will be the 2012 Republican Party Nominee for President of the USA.

TL;DR – Kittens be cute. Especially in baskets. All Hail Sarah Palin, Queen of 'Murica.

The Seven

[I wrote this while I sat contemplating a picture representing the Seven Deadly Sins. For those interested, The picture is the hanging on the wall in the graphic art piece I did below.]

The Seven

Elsie was younger than the rest, and prettier. She had hair that caught the sunlight and stored it to be released after dark. Her smile was your first love’s smile, and her lips could hold a man’s attention and her eyes his soul. She was an angry drunk, and had played host to many a venereal parasite.

Theodore enjoyed tarts, pastries and pies, and the occasional trollop. He was known to his friends as King Beer Bong, and his mother would mutter about large bones and fat camp. Theodore did not enjoy the stereotype of the jolly fat man, and instead went to great pains to puncture that belief with a cutting wit and less than ideal personal hygiene.

Simon wore his father’s coat and hat, which he inherited upon the Old Man’s death. Some, new to the neighbourhood, whispered of the son’s devotion. Simon was simply loathe to waste good clothing. He had inherited quite a bit, and saw no reason to waste any on extravagances like new clothes or employee health benefits.

Eve entered a room like the eye of a hurricane. Eyes followed her like e’s after c’s. Her silent acceptance of worship and adoration soaked through her pores like the sweetest perfume. Her every step a movement of grace, her every whisper a command. So perfect that none dare criticize, thus never learns from mistakes she cannot acknowledge.

Echo despised the wealthy, that self-serving plague upon humanity. What do they give back, for all they are given? What sets them apart, makes them special? Why should they have so much while so many work so hard? Why’s the bitch next door get to drive a brand new Porsche while she has to be seen in a 4-year old BMW? Guess we know who had to suck what to get her car.

Randy’s back had hurt for as long as he could remember to. Sometimes after football he’d feel so bad he’d have to go to the Day Spa for a massage and rumoured hand release. He made sure to always take his back medication, as well as to frequently inhale an herbal remedy that he grew himself in the room another man would have put his children in.

Dan was proud to boast, “If there’s a fight, you want to be around Dan.” Most others would say, “If Dan’s around, there’s going to be a fight.” His Guidance Counselor had told him to do what he was good at. For the longest time he worried that flushing other kids heads down the toilet in high-school had not adequately prepared him for life in the real world. Then he discovered the police force.

Yoga Farts

Smells like teen spirit.

Ok. People occasionally fart during yoga class. I get that. It happens. We're stretching our bodies out into bizarre shapes and unfamiliar elongations, so a little escaped methane is only natural. No worries, we're all adults. No one giggles, no pointy fingers; we just ignore and move on. Ok, maybe a few plugged noses, but that's about it.

But there are limits.

Today an individual in my yoga class farted six times. Not over the span of the entire class, but in a row, one after the other, over a 10 second span. They just kept coming, fart, after fart, after fart. And not shy, embarrassed little squeak farts either. Loud, brazen, beans in a truck stop kind of farts. Cheek slappers. Vulvuzela farts.

While we all know everyone farts, I like to think that most people, if they feel a fart coming, do their best to suppress it. Or at least let it slip out quietly. Farts can slip out unexpectedly, but if you know one is coming it's polite to try and stifle it. But farting six times in succession? After - oh, I don't know, the fourth fart - I would think the individual would begin to suspect that more farts might be coming. If they can't be controlled, you could at least aim your butt away from your neighbour's face.

Green Things - a Poem

What do you find at the back of the fridge?

What grows on the feet of your cousin Midge?

Green things.

What tickles your nose when you have to sneeze?

What do doctors insert when they work on your knees?

Green things.

What do frogs mate with when they are in heat?

What do you find when you turn down the sheet?

Green things.

What goes into your dog and out of your cat?

What grows under logs and smelly door mats?

Green things.

BANG.

There's very little an armed gunman can do to treat a heart attack victim. I mean, sure, my .38 came in quite useful for its intended purpose - scaring the shit out of the variety store clerk - but when said clerk falls to the ground clutching his chest and turning a rather startling pale blue/gray colour, the gun has really outlived its usefulness.

It was late at night, about 3 am. No sense robbing the place when it's going to be busy. It was just me and him. "Him" being a tall, rather rotund white guy in a Maple Leaf jersey. I pointed the gun at the guy and before I could say, "Don't move", he falls to the floor and starts twitching.

I'm not totally heartless. Sure, I could've just grabbed what I came for and ran, but shit. Someone has a heart attack right in front of you, least you can do is try and help. As I've made it my life's goal to do the least I could, I knelt beside him and lifted his head onto my lap.

"Hey man," I slapped his cheeks, and his eyes focused weakly on my face, "you got any pills, something I can give you?"

He shook his head 'no' ... or maybe it was a spasm. Beats me. I was out of my element the moment his fat ass slapped the floor. I was at a loss, and it wasn't like Tubby McHeartpopper was helping much.

I emptied the cash register, then tossed it through the front window. The alarm bell sounded immediately. I grabbed a couple of cartons of smokes and shrugged down at him apologetically. "The alarm will bring the cops. Sorry about the heart attack."

I turned away from him to pull the DVD out of the security camera recorder. That's when the fucker shot me in the back. I was like, what the fuck? Here I am trying to help - putting my self at risk of being arrested, I might add - and the bastard waits until my back is turned and shoots me.

I dropped down to one knee, turning to see his sweaty, pale face. He was still holding the gun - a .22, thank God - in one hand, but another spasm caused him to drop it to the ground.

“Lucky for me,” I gasped, my bruised ribs aching with each indrawn breath, “I come prepared.” I pulled myself to my feet, lifting my jacket so he could see the Kevlar vest beneath it. "Lucky for you, I'm not a vengeful guy. But still, shooting a guy in the back is kind of prickish, so..."

I pointed my gun at his knee, then paused. "You really need to get some exercise, so I won't cripple you." I raised the gun slightly, and shot him in the left bicep.

I looked up at the sound of distant sirens, then smiled down at the clerk. "I gotta go. Hit the fucking treadmill why don't you?"

He nodded weakly as I left.

Funny how some people live their lives so poorly that when confronted by an angry man with a gun, the most dangerous thing in the room is still their own overworked heart.

Confidence Tricks: The MOVIE!

Hello all! I'm going to be filming my screenplay, "Confidence Tricks" in the New Year, and am looking for some help with funding. Please visit the link below, read/watch the appeal, and if you'd like to help out and offer your support, please make a contribution.

Also, please share this link with your Facebook friends, Twitterfolk, or anyone else you think might be interested. Even if you can't contribute financially, helping to spread the word is very much appreciated!

http://www.indiegogo.com/Confidence-Tricks?a=337325

Piping Ceremony

Today, I did something good. Not good for the environment, or good for the economy, or even for the good of my fellow human beings. I did something good for me. Thanks to the support and encouragement of my wonderful friend Laura, and to the help and assistance of my good friend Gary, I attended my first Native Piping Ceremony today.

My day began early. Crazy early. 7:30 am early. You may not think that particularly early, but I normally get up at noon, so for me, it was early. I prepared for the day, and left the house bundled up in layers, ready for any weather. I literally had no idea as to the nature of the event what I was about to attend, and wanted to be prepared.

I arrived at Gary and Laura's promptly at 8 am. I met up with Gary and Laura, their son Dax, and our friends Chris and Alex. Our two car caravan was off, stopping only to pick up one more friend of Laura's along the way. We didn't have time to stop for coffee, so as you can imagine, my mood was one of hopeful anticipation mixed with ... well, whatever that feeling is you get when you hadn't had your morning coffee. Ah well, I thought. I wanted a Tim Hortons coffee, but sometimes you just don't get what you want.

We arrived at the lodge, which I can best describe as a really large tent. But instead of interlocking plastic poles and nylon strings, the frame was constructed of hand-hewn wood. The walls of the structure were made of tarp, overlapping to keep out most of the weather, yet open at the top, and with the occasional gap to keep the air fresh and pleasant.

Almost immediately, I was made welcome by our hosts, and offered a cup of .... Tim Hortons coffee. The universe provides. That first sip was bliss. We were made welcome and took our seats on a bench along the southern-most wall. I know it was the southern-most wall because Gary informed me that the entrance to a lodge always faces east.

A fire was burning in the center of the lodge, housed carefully in a deep circular pit. Despite the early-morning November chill the lodge was comfortably warm, yet the air circulated well and was never stuffy, smokey or uncomfortable. I noticed at the edge of the pit closest to the entrance there was what appeared to be a small shrine, consisting of a small stone, a hand-carved horse and a small sprinkling of tobacco.

There's no point in trying to describe the ceremony itself. I'm not that clever, and it's something to be experienced, not described. I have written and deleted this same sentence seventeen times in a row, trying to capture the essence of the ceremony, but it's pointless. All I can do is record my impressions.

The people. The people were welcoming, gracious, kind, polite, loving, caring, and above all - at least to me - exhibited a gentle yet irresistible sense of humour. There were a few moments of natural levity during the ceremony, culminating in a slight "slip" towards the end, that had everyone in tears of laughter. Even the gentleman beating the drum and leading the singing skipped a beat or two as he joined in. No one was embarrassed. No one was upset. The moment was accepted for what it was - a part of the natural flow of the ceremony.

The inspirational Josephine Mandamin

The lodge had a special guest that day, a beautiful, self-effacing woman named Josephine Mandamin. I had no idea who she was. I had no idea how incredible she was. I had no idea I should feel privileged to hear her speak. Once she began to speak, I very quickly learned how lucky I was to be there at the same time as Josephine. I won't go into detail as to who she is - as you can learn that at www.motherearthwaterwalk.com - but I will say I was totally enchanted and taken by her wisdom and humility, her gentle humour, and her strength.

After the ceremony was over, we walked across the street to a local recreation center for more information about Josephine and her works. There, I discovered that there would be a man from a reptile conservation center with a wide selection of animals to display; snakes, geckos, tarantulas, and even a large tortoise.

It was one of those days where things kept getting better and better. After enjoying Josephine's stories, and watching the kids handle constrictors and monitor lizards (and even checking out a few myself - having a tarantula in your hands is cool!) I discovered that they were going to feed us lunch. Soup, sandwiches, wraps, very delicious!

Then there were door prizes. Wait ... what? Door prizes? You invite me to attend your sacred ceremonies, you teach me, you entertain me, you feed me, and now you're giving away prizes? For FREE? This doesn't seem like a viable business model!

Because it's not. It wasn't about business. I'm still not 100% sure what it was about, but to me, the day was about unity over strife. Friendship over distrust. Shared laughter over shame. Sharing what you can, taking what you need, giving that which is needed.

It was a good day for me.

ROMINS (Reviews of Movies I've Never Seen): Fast Five

Fast Five is the fifth and, God-willing, final installment in the seminal "Fast and the Furious" film series. The movie tells the story of Armand Fist (played by Vin Diesel), a spunky young amateur masturbator who decides to enter the BNIC (Bukkake Night in Canada) held in Temiskaming Shores, Canada ("Temiskaming" being a Native word meaning "Mauling the Moose").

Known for his incredible dexterity and machine-like stroke speed, Armand (or "Fast Five" as he is known, due to his dextrous digits) must overcome the prejudices of his rural hometown of Splooge, North Dakota in order to become the cream of the crop. His first barrier to stardom is his girlfriend, Betty (played quite ably by television's Nel Carter) who's intense and constant desire for sex is a constant drain on Armand's stamina, and makes practicing next to impossible.

Bite Sarge's Salty Meat Stick

Armand finally is forced to flee his home after his father is convicted of baby battering. Armand is broke, but he manages to earn enough money for bus fare by slinging yogurt at a local restaurant. His big break comes when he is hired on as a celebrity sponsor for Old Sarge's Beef Jerky.

Armand makes his way to the BNIC, where he originally views others men as competitors only, but after striking up a friendship with Dick Juice, last year's winner of the BNIC (played by a pile of Johnny Depp's haircut clippings), comes to see men in a different light. Armand and Dick at first are enemies, but come to be friends after they realize how much they both love butter.

Watch for cameos from Shia Labeouf as Mr. Nononononono!, Renee Zellweger as a piece of discarded licorice, Jeff Bridges as Fluffy McNutbutter, and Natalie Portman as Squeegee Von Creamsicle.

Armand eventually wins the BNIC, and uses the proceeds to buy his girlfriend Betty a pearl necklace. I give this movie two thumbs up Julie Andrews.

Then and Now

I was browsing online today when I say this picture. Highly NSFW btw.

NSFW Accidental Wedding Photo

I thought, man, that pretty much sums up the differences between today, and when I was a kid. When I was young, if someone got drunk at a wedding and accidentally suffered a nip-slip, only one or two people would likely have noticed. They wouldn't say anything, but might keep the knowledge to hand if needed to get one over on you.

We just didn't have the technology to take her picture and get it on Facebook within 30 seconds.

So I guess, yeah, the major difference is, we were a lot more relaxed back then.

Back Words

I have taken my back for granted. After all, it doesn't really make much of a fuss most of the time, and it spends it's time behind me, so it's not something I used to spend much time thinking about. Until the day my back decided to stab me in the ... well, in the back.

I had just shut my front door, and was turning away when I felt a spasm, a tear, in the small of my back. It hurt, but not terribly. At the time I thought, "Well, that was annoying", and then went back to ignoring my back ... for awhile. The pain kept growing gradually worse, much like Michelle Bachman's media presence. By the time I went to bed my back was big bucket of agony, making sleep very difficult.

I got out of bed at 8:30 am the next day. It took me about 20 minutes to do so. I had originally decided to just ride out the pain, but this had become impossible. I went to the Urgent Care center in Stoney Creek. Sure, St. Joe's downtown is closer, but the last time I went there was about 2 months ago, and the wait for a doctor was so long I still haven't had my turn called.

There was no one ahead of me at the hospital, which was nice. For the first time in my life I rode a wheelchair for real, because walking was a torment. Sitting hurt to, but nowhere near as much as walking.

The doctor was great, and gave me a shot of morphine to help with the pain. I have to admit I was disappointed ... I had heard so much about the affects of morphine, and all I got was mild reduction in pain. The doctor later informed me he had given me a very small dosage as this was my first exposure to the medicine and he wanted to make sure it didn't like, kill me. For my part, I wanted buckets full of the stuff to take the pain away. Oh well, I guess better safe and sore than pain free and, like, dead.

So now I'm on 3 meds - Oxycodone for the pain, cyclobenzaprine for the swelling, and Naproxen for ... oh, I don't know, let's say to prevent involuntary spontaneous decapitation. I shuffle around like a refugee from a bad zombie movie, and am pretty much confined to quarters for the next few days. The pain is still present, but manageable.

All in all, it could be worse. I could be Stephen Harper.

ROMINS (Reviews of Movies I've Never Seen): Green Lantern

Nel Carter as Green Lantern

Green Lantern is a fantastic, roller-coaster ride of a movie, starring television's Nel Carter as Bobby Greenpants, an average, everyday high school student and part-time cattle prod.

Bobby is living a do-nothing, go-nowhere life when suddenly everything changes. He meets up with The King of the Lanterns, played quite ably by television's Nel Carter. The King gives Bobby a choice: continue to live your boring little life, or take on the role of a super hero called the Green Lantern!

Of course, Bobby chooses the latter, as being normal sucks dirty donkey dicks. However, he should have asked some questions first, as it turns out his super power was to fill a lantern with his own mucus and then fire green snot-rays at bad guys. Effective, yes, but super, super gross.

Bobby is almost immediately attacked by his arch-nemisis (which is weird because before that moment he didn't even have an arch nemesis), the evil Kleen-X, played by television's Nel Carter. Bobby - now Green Lantern - barely escapes with his life. He limps off to lick his wounds and refill his lamp.

Meanwhile, Kleen-X goes after Bobby's high school sweetheart, Mary-Becky-Anne-Joe-Jenny-Kate-Ashley-Anne McGillicuty (played quite ably by - you guessed it - television's Nel Carter). Kleen-X kidnaps Mary-Becky-Anne-Joe-Jenny-Kate-Ashley-Anne and whisks her away to his secret hideout in the nose of the Statue of Liberty.

I won't spoil the rest for you, but rest assured the movie is filled with more action, romance, and mucus than any one human being could ever be comfortable with. Watch for cameos by Nel Carter as the Liberty Island Caretaker, Nel Carter as the Ferryman, Nel Carter as the little boy who can't spell "apples", and Nel Carter as herself.

I give this move three thumbs up Nel Carter.

Papyrus Air

I'm a member of a great film production crew called Yard Sale from Hell Productions. This year we entered the Hamilton 24-Hour Film Festival and actually managed to produce a fully-animated film in less than 24 hours. This took a lot of hard work and dedication from the entire team, but especially from the inestimable Mr. Craig Rintoul.

It stars the voice talents of Gary Reid, Erin Pratt and Asher Hunter and features the inestimable machinima talents of Mr. Craig Rintoul.

Each year the film festival presents 3 random elements which have to be incorporated into the film. This is to guarantee - at least in theory - that the film is produced in 24 hours and is not done earlier.

This year the offers were:

1. An abnormally large paper airplane.

2. Something significant had to occur in an reflection.

3. A line of dialogue. This year it was from the movie "Fatal Attraction", and the line was "Sure, bring the dog. I love animals. I'm a great cook."

Check out the video below!