My Favourite Bathtime Gurgles is proud to announce the first in a series of helpful "How to" guides.
Many people love cats, for reasons that still remain mysterious. Science has proven that cats are the physical manifestation of demons upon this Earthly plane, and are responsible for such activities as demonic possession, night terrors, and the creation of Reality TV shows.
Still, cat ownership flourishes. If you absolutely must buy a cat, here are some helpful hints on how to go about doing so.
1. Make sure that the establishment will allow you to handle the cat in question before taking it home. Many times, pet stores try to dispose of dead animals by hiding them inside the body of a live cat. A friend of mine once took home a cat, only to discover later (after the warranty had run out, of course!) that it contained the corpses of a gerbil, three guinea pigs, and no fewer than 106 hamsters.
2. Choose an animal that looks healthy. While it might be cute to watch a constant trail of mucus dripping out of a cat's nose, chances are the cuteness will fade after you are forced to constantly shampoo cat-snot out of your carpet.
3. Pick a cat you like. Many times, people make the mistake of choosing a cat with radically different political views, thinking that it will be fun to have debates, and talk politics with the cat. After awhile though, this thrill wears off. Cats tend to mock those who hold differing ideaological values, and will often crap in their shoes.
4. Reject the animal if he or she attempts to scratch or bite you, or hisses. This means the cat is likely a terrorist, or perhaps is infected with AIDS.
5. Run through the following check list to make sure your potential kitty measures up:
Eyes - there should be two.
Nose - check for white powdery residue around the nose. Many of today's cats are addicted to cocaine.
Ears - The ears should be free of piercings. Cats with ear-piercings are 205% more likely to steal your car than cats with unpierced ears.
Fur - The cat's fur should be clean, and free of bugs. Pet stores often bug the cats they sell in the hopes of overhearing something incriminating, and then blackmailing you.
Anus - Why would you want to check out your cat's ass? Pervert.
If you follow these helpfull hints, you and your cat will be sure to have a long and happy life together.