Wednesday, March 01, 2006

How to Choose a Cat

My Favourite Bathtime Gurgles is proud to announce the first in a series of helpful "How to" guides.
Many people love cats, for reasons that still remain mysterious. Science has proven that cats are the physical manifestation of demons upon this Earthly plane, and are responsible for such activities as demonic possession, night terrors, and the creation of Reality TV shows.

Still, cat ownership flourishes. If you absolutely must buy a cat, here are some helpful hints on how to go about doing so.

1. Make sure that the establishment will allow you to handle the cat in question before taking it home. Many times, pet stores try to dispose of dead animals by hiding them inside the body of a live cat. A friend of mine once took home a cat, only to discover later (after the warranty had run out, of course!) that it contained the corpses of a gerbil, three guinea pigs, and no fewer than 106 hamsters.

2. Choose an animal that looks healthy. While it might be cute to watch a constant trail of mucus dripping out of a cat's nose, chances are the cuteness will fade after you are forced to constantly shampoo cat-snot out of your carpet.

3. Pick a cat you like. Many times, people make the mistake of choosing a cat with radically different political views, thinking that it will be fun to have debates, and talk politics with the cat. After awhile though, this thrill wears off. Cats tend to mock those who hold differing ideaological values, and will often crap in their shoes.

4. Reject the animal if he or she attempts to scratch or bite you, or hisses. This means the cat is likely a terrorist, or perhaps is infected with AIDS.

5. Run through the following check list to make sure your potential kitty measures up:

Eyes - there should be two.
Nose - check for white powdery residue around the nose. Many of today's cats are addicted to cocaine.
Ears - The ears should be free of piercings. Cats with ear-piercings are 205% more likely to steal your car than cats with unpierced ears.
Fur - The cat's fur should be clean, and free of bugs. Pet stores often bug the cats they sell in the hopes of overhearing something incriminating, and then blackmailing you.
Anus - Why would you want to check out your cat's ass? Pervert.

If you follow these helpfull hints, you and your cat will be sure to have a long and happy life together.


Rach said...

Asher, Asher, Asher... you forgot the most important tip. Get your cat at your local shelter instead of pet store which supports Cat Mills. No only will you have a wide vaierty of felines to choose from they are ever grateful for a forever home.

*shame on you*

ArleneWKW said...

I was prepared to stick needles in my Asher Hunter/Sir Lee Padthaiserver voodoo doll when I began reading your cat disparaging remarks. Ownership of cats indeed! But your sense of humor won me over. You are a clever clever cat disparager indeed. If you're not already a closet cat lover, Morris/Mousie and Daisy would turn you into one within 20 minutes of meeting them.

Asher Hunter said...

Not to worry, I am a cat lover. I have been a life-long cat owner, and currently have an adorable kitty named Crystal.

I realize that some people - hell, a lot of people - use humour to disguise anger or hatred. I don't, and never really have. I am just as likely to rip on something I love as something I dislike. Regardless of which way I'm leaning, the humour is the important element to me.

So please, don't assume by my posts that I really hate something just because I'm tearing it a new one. :) Just so everyone can be sure, I'll summarize my lasts few posts:

Cats - love them
Cousin Inbreeding - I don't care one way or the other. I just found the topic funny.

Burke and Hare - bad men. funny bad men.

Intelligent Design - cheap, pathetic attempt to disguise religion and force it down our necks as Science. I am a Christian, and I believe in God. But I know that my belief is a faith, not a science.

Cheney: Evil man. Ha, he shot someone!

Danes: Meh.

Muslims: I love and respect the religion. I have always considered Jews and Muslims to be spiritual cousins (ha, look what happens when those two cousins mate!). I'm nto too crazy about the insane minority that makes me fear Islam.

Valentine's Day: Yay, corporate greed.

Hope this helps!

Paula said...

I enjoyed the picture of the cat with the gun quite. It's cute and funny.

RNP said...

Too funny! Love it!