Friday, March 31, 2006

Try this, it Works!

Would you like to know the secret to happiness? Sure you would. We all want to be happy, right? Well, I don't have the secret to happiness, so tough shit. Hold on now, don't go clicking off to some other blog, one that treats you with respect and stuff. Stay here a minute! I may not have the secret to happiness, but I do have another great secret. Something better. For you see, I possess ...


And lets face it, getting what we want makes us happy. At least for awhile, before we realize that obtaining material goals provides, a best, an illusory and short-lived euphoria that seems very similar to happiness, but eventually leaves us feeling empty and forlorn. And in today's society, that's about all anyone can really expect.

Whether you believe me or not, there is a way to get EVERYTHING you WANT, all the time. And the best part is, I'm going to tell you for free. Why? Because I'm a nice guy. And I can't figure out how to hook up a PayPal account. So here you go. Here it is. The secret to getting EVERYTHING you WANT.
Complain, complain, complain. Complain constantly, bitterly, with vitriol and venom. Complain loudly, complain constantly, complain in an annoying voice. Do not stop complaining, bitching, whining, and demanding. No matter what they say, no matter the reasonable, intelligent reasons they might conjure up to explain why you are not entitled to the thing you are asking for, keep complaining.

You don't have to make sense. You don't have to be right (in fact, it helps things out if you're not). You don't have to be nice. Just don't resort to violence, or touching. For some reason in our society, its ok to stand in a store and berate your salesperson for 40 minutes straight, but if you poke him in the shoulder, you're going to jail Johnny Bad-touch!

This technique is definitely not a "get rich quick" scheme. Properly executed, the UCS (Uunreasonable Complaint System) will take days, weeks ... maybe even months. Or years. You don't know until you try. You might have to bitch and whine every day for several weeks. The technique does require a significant time committment, but if you stick with the program, then eventually you will get what you want.

I know, you're probably sitting there right now, shaking your head in disbelief. Even though you've never tried my techniques out. You know, there's a word for people who doubt something without ever doing an empirical research. That word is "fucker". Don't be a fucker. Give it a try.

The best part is, the technique works with pretty much everything. Want the store to replace your DVD player because your kid put it in the bathtub, along with the cat, plugged it in and turned on the shower? Just complain. Come in every day, stay for at least 2 hours, and complain. The best part is, they have to listen to you. They can't just walk away from you, or call you an asshole, even though its clear to everyone around you that you are an asshole.
You may be wondering exactly how you go about complaining. What things should you say? What points should you raise? The beauty of the UCS is this: it doesn't matter. Jut bitch and whine - remember, you don't have to make sense! You can use any argument you like. In fact, the less sense you make, the better. Try these tried and tested statements, copyrighted by the UCS system!
  • My dog got a free collar with the leash
  • Justin from next door gets a free upgrade to large-sized fries at McDonalds
  • But someone else here said I could
  • That's riduculous!

The last one is used whenever anyone who is arguing against you comes up with an intelligent, logical, and salient point.

So there you go. Take my words of wisdom out into the world with you, and enjoy. Once the PayPal account is up, you can thank me. It should be running soon; I'm just waiting for my constant, hour-upon-hour complaint emails to PayPal to bear fruit.

*** Warning ***: this technique does not work with sex. It used to, but someone started calling it "stalking" and "harrassment", so now Johnny Law has closed that particular door.


Auntie Bernie said...

You realize that three months from now, someone will post and give you hell because this stuff didn't work for them.

Anonymous said...

You do realize complaining can get you a 10 mile hike in the cold rain?

Anonymous said...

That's just fucken ridicolous!!!

Hahahha, I laughed through the whole thing Ash:0)


Asher Hunter said...

Bernie: Geez, I never thought someone might try to use this against me! :(

Anonymous: The piece was very much tongue-in-cheek. It just seems, from someone who has spent some time in the customer service industry, that the technique does work.

Ania: Thanks! :)

BStrong said...

I love it. I would have a hard time using your method in person. However, I have been using this technique via email to retrieve a $200 rebate from a year ago. I was successful with the first $200; hopefully the second $200 will follow. Three to four emails to customer service a day is my technique. I also threw in a call and letter to the Better Business Bureau.


Sorry for your love loss.