Sunday, September 18, 2005

Dating Tips for Boys

Dating Tips for Boys
(The Successful Date)

Creation Date: August 15th, 1969

Target Audience: Young boys aged 10-17

So, you've just asked Suzy out on your very first date! Good for you! Sure, you could have asked out Mary-Ellen, but everyone knows she is "loose". Suzy is a good, kind, God fearing Christian. Ok, chances are, she won't be doing any of the fun things that Mary-Ellen is said to do, like kissing or oral sex, but she is on the debate team!

If I know you, and I think I do, you're probably as nervous as a naked man in a Turkish sauna. You're probably thinking Hey, this is silly! I needn't be this nervous! And, of course, you are wrong. Dead wrong. You should be nervous. Deathly afraid. Because if you mess this date up, chances are, you will die unhappy and alone.

Boy, that certainly is a lot of pressure for one simple trip to the Drive-In! And, of course, it's thinking like that that has made you the sad, pathetic loner everyone mocks during lunch hour in the school cafeteria. Get with it, boy! Dating is vitally important. Especially the first date.

Where you take your date tells her a great deal about you. For instance, taking her to a church social tells her that you are a decent, respectable boy, with good prospects. Taking her to a Drive-In sends an entirely different message. This tells her you are a degenerate, hormone-crazed psychopath, interested only in touching her nether regions. Is that really the message you want to send?

You may also be asking yourself What should I wear? While this is important, it is not quite important enough to be your second question. Again, it is an example of just what a miserable, pitiable twit you are. No, now you should be concerning yourself with the question of transportation. How will you get Suzy to and from the Social?

Remember the song "Bicycle Built For Two"? Sounds quite romantic, doesn't it? Another example of how sad a person you are. You're never going to get any of this right, are you? Well, I suppose we can but try.

This is a vitally important rule: You must absolutely have a car. If you do not, I suggest you borrow one. Failing this, I suggest you cancel your date, and join the chess club. Return this pamphlet to the school library, and sign out "Dealing With Loneliness - A Loser's Guide to Life".

If you are continuing to read this, then you probably have access to a car. Either that, or you are irretrievably stupid, or lacking certain key chromosomes. We'll assume that this is not the case.

Now, you know where you are taking Suzy (the Church Social), and you know how you are getting there (via a car). Now you probably think it is time to consider What should I wear? Will you never learn? No, now it is time to take a bath or shower. Chances are, being an average, dirty teenage male, you have done more sweating today than a football team in a sauna (if the concept of an entire football team in a sauna interests you, I suggest you return this pamphlet to your school library, and sign out "Billy and Steven - More than Just Friends"). Let's face it, son, you smell. A shower or bath is a very good way to rid yourself of unwanted odor, and stains in your nether regions.

So, now you have had your bath or shower (remember, the water is not enough on it's own - soap is vital!). After the shower, deodorant and cologne should be applied. If you don't have any of your own (you filthy, disgusting creature), then I suggest you borrow your father's. Under no circumstances should you borrow your Mother's. Unless, of course, you have exhibited an interest in the "Bobby and Steven" pamphlet. When using cologne, remember, moderation is key. You don't want to smell like a "Lounge Lizard".

When choosing a cologne, give thought to the way you want to smell. You want to smell nice, but manly and respectable. Roses smell nice, but you could hardly respect a man who smelled like a flower garden, now could you? I suggest a cologne that conjurs up manly images. Avoid any cologne which mentions flowers or fruit in it's name.

Now, you've showered, and used deodorant and cologne, you probably think you're ready for your date. Wrong, wrong again. I'm really beginning to despair for you here. My God, man, you're naked! What were you thinking? Showing up naked for a date might be the type of thing that Mary-Ellen would appreciate, but it would most certainly upset poor Suzy!

Yes, now is the time to wonder: What should I wear? Your choice of clothing is of vital importance, as it says a great deal about you. Remember, "the clothes make the man". Sure, dungarees (otherwise known as "jeans" or "hobo pants") and a white T-shirt might be comfortable, but they make you look like a hoodlum. Still, borrowing your Dad's suit is not yet an option, as you are still a sad, awkward and gangly teenager, and hardly a man. Dressing you in a man's suit would be ludicrous, wouldn't it? The answer is yes, it would indeed.

So, you ask, what can I do? Well, you should go to your mother, and ask her to purchase you a suit of your own. For God's sake, boy, put a towel on first! Do you want to show the world your shameful nether regions? Puberty has made them look quite odd, hasn't it? That is why we have published another pamphlet, entitled "Puberty - Nature's Not-So Practical Joke".

If your mother balks at the idea of purchasing a suit for you, you may wish to try to use "guilt" as a persuasive method. Point out that you really should have a suit for church. Ask your mother if she wants you to burn in the fires of Hell because you were dressed poorly. This assumes, of course, that you go to church. If you do not, then I suggest you return this pamphlet to your school library, and sign out "So You're Going to Hell".

At this point, you may say Wait a minute! I'm wearing only a towel, and my date starts in under an hour! I don't have time to go out and buy a suit now! Well, well, my boy, I'm afraid you have no one to blame but yourself. You shouldn't have left as important an issue as clothing to the last minute. Why didn't you worry about this earlier? I can't do everything for you, you know.

Assuming that you are intelligent enough to have anticipated this little quandary, things are undoubtedly moving along quite nicely now. Your car waits in the driveway, you have showered, used deodorant and cologne, and are wearing a very attractive three piece suit. If you purchased a two piece suit, then shame, shame, you penny pinching little weasel.

Now, you're in your car, backing out of the drive way. Everything is going wonderfully, isn't it? WRONG!!!! You haven't bought Suzy a present yet! What were you thinking? At this rate, you're speeding recklessly towards a lifetime of "TV dinners for one".

Well, you're probably now asking yourself What makes an appropriate gift for a first date? You really do like to leave things to the last minute, don't you? Oh well, thank God you have a car. Could you imagine the pickle you'd be in right now if you were on the back of your ten speed?

Well, you'll just have to head right over to the store to purchase a gift. You do have money, don't you? If you're shaking your head in despair right now, knowing you are broke, then there's only one thing you can do. I suggest you yank hard on the steering wheel, and bear left, aiming the car into oncoming traffic. A head on collision is the quickest and most merciful thing that could happen to you right now. Better that everyone talk the next day about your "tragic accident", rather than snicker about the "stupid boy in the two piece suit who forgot to take money on his date".

If you're still alive at this point, then you must have money. Good for you! You might actually manage to pull this off! But the question now is What should I buy for her? Well, the best and safest course is to purchase a corsage. Flowers are relatively inexpensive, but women seem to like them for some reason.

There are, of course, other options, but I strongly advise you to ignore them. For instance, many boys feel that candy is an appropriate gift. This is just plain wrong. Candy encourages women to over-eat, and soon, your attractive, svelte young Suzy will be disgusting, chunky Suzy.

If there are any girls reading this, then take note. You absolutely should not be reading this pamphlet, young woman! Return it to the library immediately! This pamphlet is intended for boys! You should sign out "Dating Tips for Girls - Waiting Patiently for a Boy to Notice You". This information does not concern you.

Other gift ideas to avoid include (but are not limited to): stationary, vegetables, lumber, cheese, household appliances (save those for later, after you are married), and cough and cold remedies. Under no circumstances should you give intimate gifts, such as panty hose, under garments, or douches.

Two years ago, one pathetic young twerp had the audacity to give his young date a box...(I hesitate to say this - my hands shake as I type)...a box of condoms. You are probably shaking your head in amazement right now, your jaw hanging open in shock. If you are chuckling or smiling, then you are an evil, evil person, and should report yourself to the local police.

Needless to say, the young girl's father was quite upset by this depraved and vile so-called gift, and beat the young man to death. The local authorities, of course, considered this to be a justifiable homicide, and the father was released without ever going to trial. Let that be a warning to all you would-be perverts out there.

No, a corsage it is. Better safe than lying dead in a cold grave. So, you've stopped at the florist, and purchased a corsage (if you went to a hardware store to purchase the corsage, then I suggest you volunteer for "special" school in the morning). Corsage in hand, you drive on to Suzy's house.

At this point, you may be wondering Where does Suzy live? I mean, really. Come on, you imbecile. Can't you think of anything in advance? You really should know where your date lives for the love of Pete!

Now, you've stopped at a phone booth, and called Suzy to inquire as to her address. She gave it to you, but now obviously thinks that you are a bit goofy. Still, can't be helped. Try to think of these kind of things in advance next time, okay?

Now that you know where Suzy lives, you pull up in front of her house. What should you do now? Perhaps you should honk your horn, to let her know you are waiting. If this sounds like a good idea to you, then you should smack yourself in the face right now. Go ahead, do it! I'm waiting……good. No, honking the horn is quite rude. Instead, safely park the car (remembering to remove the keys from the ignition), and approach Suzy's front door.

Be prepared - Suzy's father will probably dislike you. Why, you may ask? Well, apart from the obvious reasons, such as your pathetic acne scars and irritating cracking voice, Suzy's father has a more personal reason for wanting to see you dead. You see, he used to be a teenager himself. He remembers those years. He knows that, despite all your training during Church, puberty has turned you, changed you.

As a child, you were a respectable, loving, God-fearing young boy. Puberty changed you into a lustful, hormone-crazed maniac, interested only in "necking". Suzy's father knows this, and hates you. You're blushing now, aren't you? And well you should. Be ashamed - be very ashamed.

By now, you're knocking on the door. You know everything you need to know, and are ready for your date! Wrong, wrong, wrong! You know nothing! Read on, or your date will certainly be a disaster, and leave you socially and psychologically scarred for the rest of your life!

During your date, there are many key rules to remember. I have placed them down here for your convenience. Memorize them. If you don't, you'll have only yourself to blame.

Itchy nose?
Tough! Never, ever, and I mean ever pick your nose while on a date. You may scoff at this. If you do, you are a disgusting, filthy animal.

Keep your hands to yourself!
There are very few portions of your date's anatomy that you may touch. Basically, you may touch her index finger, the tip of her nose, and, perhaps, her left elbow. If your date lets you touch anything else, she is a shameless floozy, and you should flee immediately.

Also, be on the lookout for the "accidental" brush, in which a forbidden portion of your date's anatomy "accidentally" brushes up against you. This is a favorite trick of brazen hussies the world over, used to entrap and ensnare innocent young men such as yourself. Should this happen, stand up in the middle of the restaurant, and loudly declare "Get thee away, Jezebel! Keep thy vile and naughty plumpy bits away from me!" This is a traditional curse, taken straight from the bible, used by saints to damn sinning women to hell.

Always stay in public!
If you spend too much time alone with your date, she will probably get a "reputation" as a loose and immoral girl. You wouldn't want that to happen, now would you? If your date does get a reputation as being sexually promiscuous, it will undoubtedly ruin her life, and she will probably die of syphilis in the future, having lived out her life as a drug-dependent prostitute.

Oddly enough, if your date does get a "reputation", nothing bad will happen to you. Even though you both share an equal portion of the guilt for your actions, she will be ostracized, while you will be secretly praised by your male friends, teachers, and uncles. It may seem unfair, but that's just the way society works. Just be happy it's unfair in your favor, you little ingrate.

At the restaurant, avoid ordering "phallic" foods. Don't know what "phallic" means? Then get a dictionary, you infinitesimal moron. Foods to avoid include hot dogs (otherwise known as "wieners" or "frankfurters"), corn (cob only - nibblets are okay), popsicles, and whole raw carrots. These foods promote illicit thoughts, and should be avoided.

There is one last thing I must warn you about, before your date begins. It is a topic that I find distasteful, and would rather ignore. However, I am contractually obligated to cover it in this pamphlet. This topic is drugs.

While there is nothing wrong with smoking (tobacco acts as an expectorant, and aids in digestion), there is a special kind of cigarette that should be avoided like the plague. Satan's cigarette. This is, of course, the marijuana cigarette. Or, as it is known to the cool "hep-cats", "Mary-Jane", "tye stick", and "reefer".

Reefers are wrong, pure and simple. Some may say it "loosens the woman up", or "it gets her in the mood". Well, the mood for what is what I'd like to know! An evening of reefers and music played by rock and roll bands such as the "Chubby Checker" and "the Beatles" is all these lay-abouts ever want.

Marijuana is wrong, pure and simple. One suck on a "tye stick" will send you straight to hell, no mistake. So, if someone offers you a "toke", you should run screaming from the room, and report that person to the authorities at your earliest convenience.

Well, we're almost done here. I've helped you as much as I can. You're about to embark on your date, confident that you possess all the skills you need to make it a success. I wish I could be as confident. I have no doubt you're going to screw everything up, despite my warnings. Oh well. I wash my hands of the whole affair.

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