Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Fun With Heartattacks

So I'm pretty dumb. Yuh huh. Ok, don't everyone yell out "No, not you Ash!" at the same time. How dumb am I? Well, first off, I forgot to renew my plate stickers. In July. To be fair, they never sent me a renewal notice. They only reason I even remembered was I was reading Rachel's blog and she mentioned renewing her stickers. On time, because she's smart like that. I will renew my plates, just as soon as payday comes.

Now, about a month ago I was having a bad car day. You know, one of those days where you are late for a meeting, and every damn twat with a vehicle is on the road, in front of you, driving slowly or stopping in no stopping zones for no evident reason? My patience was nearing its end when I realized something: I was driving to the wrong meeting place. Not only was I late, I forgot we changed the meeting site, and I drove to the wrong spot.

That was it for my patience. I pulled into a parking lot to turn around. I was driving from the lot for a strip mall into the lot next door, for a shoe store. I thought the two parking lots were connected. They were not. There was about an 8-inch drop from the lot I was in to the new one. Angry, frustrated, and at my wits end, I thought fuck it, and drove over anyway. And heard a really loud bang. And put a hole in my muffler. Yeah, I'm that kinda dumb.

So, its 2:00 am, and I'm driving home from Gary and Laura's place. I stop to get gas, then pull out onto the road .... directly in front of a cop car. Expired plate, and a car that idles louder than that really loud girl/guy you used to have sex with. You remember - the loud one. I look down on my passenger seat, and there rests an certain object. An object which, if seen by a police man, would be certain to arouse certain chronic suspicions.

I played it cool. I gradually reached over and tried to hide the object. While parked at a light, with the cop behind me. Then I realized he could probably see my arm moving around, and that might look suspicious. So I just hid it in my lap. Then I worried he might pull me over. So I dropped it on the floor. The light is still fucking red.

The light finally turns green, so I start to accelerate, at a speed calculated to be fast enough to avoid suspicion but so fast as to attract attention. Yeah. So, the cop is right behind me. All the way. We drive to the next lights - red. I stop. Cop behind me. Expired plates. Loud muffler. Illicit object. Which has now, as I accelerate again, moved under my gas pedal. Fuck me.

My car halts and hitches as I try to remove the foreign object. Cop still behind me. I decide to change lanes, hoping Mr. Policeman will, to put it politely, fuck the hell off. Red Light. We sit beside one another again, as I try to look nonchalant. I look up, down, adjust my mirror, and take great interest in reading the signs outside a pizza shop. I look everywhere, except directly at the cop.

Green light, and off we go. Thankfully, the cop pulls away, slowly, and drives off into the distance. I learned a valuable lesson tonight. Always - and I mean always! - hide any item that might make a cop arrest and strip search you.


Bernie said...

I know it's all true, and I know it wasn't funny going through it....but I can't stop laughing. Ah the tears!

Rachel said...

Ash - leave your bong at home! Too funny...