Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Arche-typical Bullshit

Ok, I have been reading a lot of blogs. I have read some great stuff. I have read funny blogs. Serious blogs detailing a huge event in someone’s lives. I have read innermost thoughts, public cries for help, and scathingly witty examinations of modern day life.

I have also read a lot of shit. Piles of it. Shit that sucked so badly, it collapsed under its overwhelming strength of its own suck and became a black shithole. Enough suck power to potentially affect nearby blogs, infecting them with irradiated suckshit, and pulling them into its evil orbit. Evil, horrible, shitsuck power of such an insanely high degree, that we as mortal men are incapable of even beginning to understand an iota of the smallest smidgen of their advanced suckshitology. I may have gone a little far at the end there.

I would like, in my own way, to provide you with examples. Note, these are not actual blog entries but are, in fact, my own personal rendition of some archetypical blog styles.

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The Airhead’s Blog
(Self-titled: My Princess Diaries, Pink Fluffy Bear, or Pretty in the City)
RATING: SOFW (Self-Obsessed Fucking Whiner)

Ok, like Lyndsey’s mom, right, is a fucking biaaatch, u no? Fuck. Like when I go ovr thr, I don’t want hr like being all “Hey, Danielle, got enuf piercings?” like, fuck you mrs. Layerton. Fuck! Like she nvr sucked some cock during break.

The Obscure Family Blog
(Self-titled: Keeping up with the Joneses, Family Matters or Everything Henderson)
RATING: NOCPUWGOWKTF (No One Could Possibly Understand What’s Going On Without Knowing The Family)

Karen finally admitted that you-know shouldn’t have borrowed those tapes without asking. Rob got another 54, so we’re all pretty happy. Remember the 17th! Sammy and Pete promised to replace the vase, so Pastor says its all in the past now. Aunt Roma died.

The Sports Blog
(Self titled: The Buck Stops Here, Reid: The Sports Section or The Sports Payges)
RATING: NOATBWLTMO (No One At The Bar Will Listen To My Opinions)

Ratig blew his chances for a second season with that boneheaded play. Whatever Thompson was smoking during practice must’ve been pretty strong. Watch out defense, because Richardson is Back. The Man has Returned, his sprain is healed and he is itching to chew up the defense. Ouch! I wouldn’t want to be Oklahoma come Thursday.

The Mommy Blog
(Self titled: The Mommy Files, Bringing up Baby or Buckets o’ Babies)
RATING: MBISTYB (My Baby Is Better Than Your Baby)
Randall Christopher Gandalf made his first poopy today. I couldn’t help myself, it was so cute I put it in a little zip lock baggy and put it in the freezer. When Ted came home I showed him, but he thought the idea was “Weird”. Men! They don’t get the whole thing, the whole idea, of how the baby, even though it is separate from me, it really is me. Or rather, the baby and I together are someone knew. A bigger person, a larger entity. But as Randy-Gan gets older, he becomes more of his own person, and we drift farther apart, until eventually that new unit that was Mommy/Randy-Gan dies, and gives birth to Amanda and her son Randall. And because he can never understand that, I now refuse to give my husband blowjobs.

* * * * *

Now, having visited these sites, I started to see their successors – earlier generations of the same archetype that, like an older version of our sun, shows us what the original may evolve into. In a way, I could traverse an entire lifetime of one person by reading archetypical blogs of a similar nature, telling the life story of an archetype.

Visiting in with the archetypes later in life, we find…

* * * * *

The Advanced Airhead’s Blog
(Self titled: I’m Gonna Make It!, Sandra Strikes Out! or Alone in the City)
RATING: AHLSAGAJ (Air Head Leaves School And Gets A Job)

I m so fuckin sick of Mr. Whilps. I me like, fuck off alrdy, I know you wanna fuck me, so y r u prtndign like i cant opr8 the registr? the fucking keys are sticky, right? Lke his fuckin dick when he’s jackin off to my picshur in the employee handbk. fuckin pervo

The Advanced Obscure Family Blog
(Self-titled: Keeping up with the Joneses, Family Matters or Everything Henderson)
RATING: DFSB (Different Families, Same Bullshit

Sammy and Pete won’t talk anymore now that Lucy went to live with her momma. Rob won’t be home at Christmas because he punched a guard during Yard Time. Karen is dating again, so we’re all looking forward to meeting Walter at the next cookout. Speaking of which, Dad says if you want more potato salad, bring some yourself the next time. Dad always was zany! He makes us laugh so much when he pretends to be an old Jewish man buying Kleenex (Whaddaya mean I can’t use a sheet twice!) ROTLFMAO!

The Advanced Sports Blog
(Self-titled: Buck Yourself, Reid Rage or Payges Rayges)
RATING: WWOASASOHNBAMPD (What Was Once A Slightly Amusing Sports Obsession Has Now Become A Major Personality Disorder)

What the FUCK is Sorredson THINKING? CHRIST! I’ve been calling FUCKING better plays since I was FIVE FUCKING YEARS OLD! What the FUCK! I keep sending FUCKING letters to the FUCKING NF-FUCKING-L with BRILLIANT fucking plays, and the STUPID fucking CUNTS don’t have the fucking courtesy to even send me a FUCKING rejection letter. FUUUCKK! Don’t FUCKING ignore me, NFL, don’t FUCKING IGNORE ME!!!!!

The Advanced Mommy Blog
(Self-titled: Just Mom, Toddler Tales or The Messy Years)
RATING: IHSRTMKSDS (I’ve Have Suddenly Realized That My Kid’s Shit Does Stink)

Randy-Gan cried for like six hours after I put him to bed last night. Pardon my French, but fuck kid, how can you not be tired after six hours at the zoo! He’s like his dad I guess. Toilet training is so gross. I threw out that disgusting bag of shit from the freezer. What the hell was I thinking? Hey, lets put some poo where the food is kept? I don’t know. God he’s still crying, I have to cut this short. Wish his fucking grandmother would baby-sit as much as she promised she would.

* * * * *

And, of course, eventually I would come across the endpoints of archetypal blog evolution.

* * * * *

The Evolved Airhead’s Blog
(Self-titled: Rainbow Connection, Bunny Boiler or BitterCity News)
RATING: MGLAGANIRIHNP (My Good Looks Are Gone And Now I Realize I Have No Personality)

Ted from O’Malleys said he’d call me after, but he nvr did. He said I culd trst him, because he was a good guy. Shit box. Fucking steve still has sthat shitbox car on mfy fucking lawn, the douche bag. He won’t help me like has to, and Raven needs a pair of black fucking sneakers because Mom, Goths don’t wear fucking yelow sneakers. Fuck.

The Evolved Obscure Family Blog
(Self-titled: Uppdyke Report, Monthly Minutes or The Peterman Files)
RATING: HTFWTTTOHA (Half The Family Won’t Talk To The Other Half Anymore)

Pastor said anyone can come to his church if he wants, but you can paint me yellow and call me a banana if I’m going to worship anywhere that takes Sam. His wife still says grandma never had a pearl necklace, but we all know there was a pearl necklace, that grandma used to wear on Thanksgiving and her birthday. Did it suddenly disappear? I guess that’s a question only Betty can answer. Pete still won’t come back from the army, even though they say he has 3 weeks of furlough saved up (that’s like army vacation time). Walter gets out on parole next week, so keep an eye out to make sure he’s not going to start stalking Karen again.

The Evolved Sports Blog
(Self-titled: Get it RIGHT Assholes, What do I Hafta Do, BEAT a good play into your head or Number One with a Bullet)
RATING: WASFTSK (Weird Assed Sports Freak Turned Serial Killer)

My name is Lisa. Randy went to a game and, he brought a gun, and now he’s in prison. They won’t let him use the Internet any more because they said he used it as an “instrument of terror”. So I guess his blog is closed now. I don’t know how to delete this, so just stop coming here, please.

The Evolved Mommy Blog
(Self-titled: Koo-Koo Kechoo Mrs. Raddison, MILF-tastic Mom or Sexgoddess69@hotmail.com)
RATING: LIAMTB (Life Is About More Than Babies)

I started horseback riding again today. I don’t know why I let it go so long, my thighs are killing me. Oh well, I’ll get my “saddle-seat” back again soon. I guess I just let Randy-Gan (Sorry son … I meant to say “Randy”) take up so much of my time I didn’t have any me time. This is better though, because I’m back out there with Stella (who’s older now and retired, so I mostly ride Lightning. But me and Stella still go around for a nice trail ride now and then). Sometimes, though, I just wish that Mommy/Randy-Gan was still with us.

* * * * *

Now, of course, I have omitted another classification of Blog Archetype, which I shall chronicle here.

* * * * *

The Thinks He’s Clever Blog
(Self-titled: Montegue EnCapulated, Lowell’s Observatory or Worst.Blog.Ever)
RATING: SDGWTHSAW (Self-Deprecating Guy Who Thinks He’s Smart And Witty)

I've never really thought of myself as the kind of person to keep a blog. Dunno why really, it just didn't seem interesting. Then I read a friend's blog (The Mommy Blog), and I admit, i got the bug. So, I will try it out, and see where things go. Having no real experience as a blogger (I don't even know if we're actually called bloggers), I'm not sure exactly what to write. But I hope I can keep you entertained, or at least make you smile. Hey, you never know, you might even, from time to time, come away with a new point of view. Enjoy, my friends.

The Advanced Thinks He’s Clever Blog
(Self-titled: This Mortal Coil, Entropy Contained or The Article Accelerator)
RATING: ABNOCANGMETAV (Annoyed Because No One Comments And Now Getting Mega Extreme To Attract Visitors)

Every time I pick up a newspaper I am shown once again that our government is completely and utterly owned by corporations. The government isn’t even a government anymore, it’s a fucking Board of Directors, and if the Shareholders (i.e. the rich bankers and insurance company presidents and those fuckers who own the 407 toll expressway) don’t like what’s going on then they fire the CEO (only well call him the Prime Minister and Americans call him Mr. President) and replace him with the VP of Finance. Even after he gets fired, the fucking CEO gets an insanely generous severance package and a Shah’s ransom every years in something laughingly called a “Pension” (which, by the way, if you actually fucking work for your entire life, like say in a fucking factory risking fucking lung cancer, your pension fund will disappear before you can retire because the fucking VP in Charge of Dispersements loaned all your fucking Pension fund to shell companies created by his buddies, which all went fucking bankrupt and your fucking Pension fund disappeared so that’s just fuck you, Mr. Poorman).

The Evolved Thinks He’s Clever Blog
(Self titled: A Time for Action, I – the People or Jamie’s Got a Gun)
RATING: OYASCTKACYSPSRYPIYB (Once You Actually Start Conspiring To Kill A Celebrity, You Should Probably Stop Recording Your Plans In Your Blog)

Reuters (Toronto): A local Etobicoke man was today taken into custody in the attempted assassination of television celebrity Mike Bullard. A Mr. Greg Sanders (or, as he referred to himself, Raven Archer), an avid “blogger” (an Internet slang term meaning “web log” or online diary), apparently kept a long and detailed public account of his plans to murder the avuncular television icon. He has been held without bail.

* * * * *

I’m Paddy Tanninger the Caddy Manager.

Yeah, I know, it rhymes.

So what, ya wanna fight about it?


girlycatluver101 said...

Intersting blogs...

Anonymous said...

you are in a blog world all of your own...

Daxohol said...

Welllll...guess it's time I hit the ole dusty trail...ahhh..LMAO!

Yes, there are blog architypes indeed. Thing is, since blogging is a very personal venture I try not to get too label happy. I know that there are some that would read my latest post and say "oh, mommy blog this sucks shit." and move on without reading further. There are bloggers who are writers and there are bloggers who are just people writing down stuff from their life and thoughts and care little about how "good" it is. I'm rambling. I am a blogging geek.

kate.d. said...

oh lord, the mommy blog. my take on this is: you want to have a kid? that's fine. you want to wipe the shit off of his or her ass four times a day for the next 3 years? that's fine too. but please, spare me the play by play.

now i know some bloggers who are adept at working motherhood into their blogs along with the other aspects of their life, and with that i have no problems. what i can't handle is when someone makes it seem like all capacity for rational thought has left them the minute they popped junior out.

Jim Donahue said...

You know what keeps me humble? My blog gets more hits from people searching for images than from people who actually want to read it.

Asher Hunter said...

I really hope people realize that this entry was very tongue in cheek. After all, I rip my own blog pretty well at the end there. So I'm not in a blog world all my own.

Paula said...

So are you the Advanced Thinks he's clever blog or the Evolved or the beginner?
I was amused by your archetypes. I like archetypes!

Anonymous said...

I like ducks!!

Kim Ayres said...

I bounced through to you from your comment on the Japing Ape. Love this entry about Blog Archetypes and realise that I'm firmly placed in the "thinks he's clever blog" category.

I fall into the same sub-category as you of "overweight, bearded, midlife-crisis man" blog.