Saturday, October 15, 2005

A New Age for the Incompetent

Incompetence is no longer the horrible, debilitating condition it once was. No sir. Thanks to modern day attitudes and open-minded policies, there is absolutely no reason whatsoever that an incompetent person cannot be given a position of authority. Incompetent people are now free to be placed in positions where lives depend on their performance. Thousands. Tens of thousands. Heck, millions.

Lets take, just for example, Michael Brown. Michael was the Head of FEMA (the Federal Emergency Management Agency) in the US. Now FEMA is a great organization, and it's job is to make sure that, should an emergency occur, people are taken care of. In the case of some kind of disaster - say, a hurricane - thousands of lives could conceivably be at risk.

Now, President George W. Bush, being himself an incompetent, is a pioneer in the fight for Incompetent Rights. He realized that, if an incompetent individual such as himself could rise to the position of President of the USA (and be in charge of things like nuclear bombs), then there was absolutely no reason why any other incompetent could not rise to other positions of authority.

So, President Bush found himself owing a favour to Mr. Brown. Exactly why he owed him a favour, we won't go into, but rest assured it was for those kinds of things that rich people do for other rich people to make sure they get what they want. Once a rich person helps another rich person get what they want, that rich person then uses their acquisition to help other rich people get what they want.

Its called democracy.

So, back to the favour. Mr. Brown was owed one, and Mr. Bush is hardly one to shirk his responsibilities. Unless those responsibilities are to poor people, who, to be fair, are unable to help rich people achieve their goals, and therefore are relatively worthless.

Unless there is a war somewhere.

President Bush, being a nice guy, wanted to repay Mr. Brown, and do a favour for him. So he decided to give him a cushy job. He took a look at the government, which has more cushy jobs than the walls of a monkey house have stains from flung feces. However, Mr. Brown wasn't really qualified for any of these cushy jobs.

But then, President Bush had an epiphany (I apologize for using words that will likely require President Bush to ask for help in understanding). If Mr. Brown was incompetent, he could still help out. All Mr. Brown would have to do is tell a little fib. Just a teensy one. All he would have to do is say that he had worked with emergency management services in the past. After all, that is only a teeny, tiny lie. After all, he did the filing for the man who did work with emergency services.

Think about it this way: pretend you once worked in a hospital, and your job was to load the vending machine with tasty treats, such as potato chips, chocolate bars, and gum (because a hospital would never, ever condone the sale of unhealthy foods!). Under President Bush's new Equality for Incompetents program, this would give you the experience you required to later become the National Director for Meals on Wheels.

Understand?

One teeny lie, and Mr. Brown was in place as the director of FEMA. What harm could he cause? There really wasn't much of a chance of any kind of real disaster taking place. Unless you paid any attention to psychotic doomsday prophets, such as scientists. Or the people in the CIA and FBI, or the Department Of Homeland Security, who persist in the paranoid belief that some zany terrorists are still planning on blowing American things up.

President Bush can hardly be blamed when it turned out that a real natural disaster came along - namely, Hurricane Katrina. Who could have seen that coming? Apart from scientists, that is. No one really listens to scientists, because they are always prattling on about odd and boring topics like global warming. Pish and posh.

Besides, these scientists that were warning us about the hurricane weren't the cool scientists that figure out bigger and better way to kill people. Go science!

So the hurricane was coming. Now, before you get upset at Mr. Brown for doing nothing, remember, he was incompetent. Therefore, no one can really expect an incompetent person to do a competent job. To do so would be ... well, silly. So Mr. Brown was eventually removed from the Katrina situation. Eventually being measured in a small number of days and a large number of lives.

Lesson learned.

Right?

Apparently not. Now, President Bush needs a new Supreme Court Justice. Now, a Supreme Court Judge sits on the highest legal organization in the United States. Not only do they decide what is legal - thorny issues like abortion, the death penalty, etc. - but they also decide things like Constitutional Amendments.

For the non-Americans, the American Constitution is a piece of paper that says that people cannot do bad things. Now, it so happens that sometimes very rich people want to do bad things, but the Constitution won't let them. So they get their rich friends in positions of power to re-write the Constitution to allow them to do those bad things. The Supreme Court members are the ones who do that.

Of course, sometimes the Constitution is amended for good reasons, such as Emancipation and the Woman's Right to Vote. Sometimes.

As I said earlier, there is a seat open on the Supreme Court. In the past, these Supreme Court Judges have been selected from a list of judges - you know, people who have experience judging. Seems that the general consensus is that these people, having spent their entire lives studying the law, are best suited for the job of Supreme Court Justice. Now, sure, most people who study the law are there to figure out ways to allow rich people to do unpleasant things to poor people, but hey, c'est la vie, right?

President Bush, never a slave to convention, said, "Why does a Supreme Court Justice have to have any experience as a judge?" In fact, why should a Supreme Court Justice require any qualifications whatsoever? So, he recommended his friend Harriet Miers for the job. Apparently, she does not need to be a judge, or have any past job experiences that would indicate she could handle the job.

Because she is a Christian.

And Christians never do anything wrong. Some reactionaries like to point at events like the Crusades, but Christians can't really be blamed for that. After all, the Crusades were probably started by lawyers who worked for the Christians, and declared the Holy Wars without asking anyone's permission. Yet another reason why lawyers are over rated.

Ms. Miers really doesn't seem to have any experience that would indicate an understanding of constitutional issues. However, according to one senator, she is a truly gifted bowler.

1 comment:

Daxohol said...

Yah. I was stunned at this. Hang on to your hats folks.