Thursday, October 13, 2005

Dieting Sucks Hairy Ass

So, today I start my diet. Hooray. I went to my first Weight Watchers meeting last night. The meeting was more or less what I expected. I arrived early, and had my weigh in. The weigh in was, shall I say, a surprise? I expected to weigh in at about 260 pounds. An embarrassing weight to be sure, but hell, thats why I'm going to Weight Watchers. As it turns out, I did not weigh 260 pounds. I weigh 281.6 pounds. Fuck me sideways.

This is an embarrassing weight, to say the least. I could try to blame outside forces. Like Satan. After all, he's the one that tempts me. I could blame my work - I have a desk job, which is very sedentary. I could blame fate - I have sleep apnea, which has left me physically drained and exhausted for the last year, and unable to exercise.

But when it comes down to the wire (or in this case, the donut), I am responsible. I am the one who likes to eat pizza and chicken wings, and finds excuses for not going for walks with my dog. These excuses include, but are not limited too:

It's raining
I'm tired
George W. Bush is up to something
It's too dark
If I go for a walk now, I won't be here when the pizza guy arrives

So, its time to stop making excuses. I've joined Weight Watchers, and I've spent the money. I'm committed to the weekly meetings. For me, the main advantage of the meetings is that I have a need to succeed. I won't say I need to be the best, but I need to feel that my efforts are good efforts. Ok, so I can tend to be competative, but the person I am always striving to beat is myself (please, no masturbatory jokes).

When I arrived at the meeting on Wednesday evening, the lady at the front desk was very nice. She informed me that most of the men come on Monday night ... just in case I might feel more comfortable coming with the rest of the men (no jokes about coming with men). I told her that I have never made it a habit of doing things just because other men were doing them.

If I did, I would have joined the hockey team as a teen, despite their habit of shaving the genitalia of new recruits (seriously, who does this? Why would you want to shave another man's privates?). Secretely, I'd rather sit in a room full of women anyway. Because I like women better than men. They rarely shave one another's genitals and apply Abosorbine Junior.

So, the diet is on. Tonight is my first test, because we usually go out for dinner after our improv class. We'll see how my resolve holds.

Wish me luck.

7 comments:

Daxohol said...

Kuddos for grabbin' the steerin' wheel. I was going to say something about women shaving one another's privates...but I couldn't figure out exactly how I wanted to say it. However, I'd like to make it clear the Absorbine Jr. was not a welcome detail.

Laura said...

Hey, you quit smoking, right? If you did that, I think you can do this. Best of luck!

Bernie said...

You passed the test. You touched not a single french fry - even moved them out of temptations way when I unknowingly left them sitting there...calling to you. Congratulations and keep up the good work.

So, about these meetings...what time? How much? Where? You can email me.

Anonymous said...

Good Luck, Ash...
and dust off those roller blades!

Anonymous said...

Aaaaashhhh...oh....Ashhhhhhhhh...

It's me...Mr. French Fry. The guy you spurned last night. I know you are still dreaming about me Assshhhhhhhhhhh...

I will NEVER let you go!

Bwaaaaa haaaa haaaaaaaaaa

Pass the ketchup

Yours,
Mr. French Fry
Not Evil Unca'C who would never say anything like this!

kate.d. said...

hey, my mom has lost like 60 odd pounds on weight watchers, so i guess it can work! she tried everything else on the planet, saying she didn't want to pay someone to tell her what she already knew. but damned if that wasn't what did the trick!

good luck.

girlycatluver101 said...

Hey, if weight watchers doesn't work, you can try L.A weight loss. It's not just in L.A either. (I don't even know if it is in L.A!) Mom siad she heard it works pretty well, so you may want to try it if weight watchers doen't work. I hope every thing turns out well!