Thursday, October 06, 2005

How to Stalk and Kill a Dog

In order to aid cats everywhere, Crystal has prepared a report entitled "How to Stalk and Kill a Dog".

Step One: Find a Dog. Preferably a stupid one. Luckily, all dogs are stupid.

Step Two: Wait until the dog is distracted. This is usually very easy. Items which distract a dog include meat, bright lights, shiny things, and feces.

Step Three: Once the dog is distracted, sit back and notice the large, sharp, rending teeth. Rethink the whole idea of attacking the dog.

Step Four: Screw up your courage, and run at the dog to attack. Think better of it, jump up in the air, turn around, land on your feet facing in the opposite direction, and run back to safety.

Step Five: Run for a second attack. Once again, change your mind, and veer off to the side. Accidentally run face first into a cardboard box at full speed. Peer over the edge as if incredibly interested in box contents. As if this was what you had meant to do all along.

Step Six:
Run at the dog to attack it. Run past the dog. You are now behind the dog. The dog is grass, and you are a lawnmower.

Step Seven:
You are now behind the dog. Attack the dog. Kill the dog.

Step Eight:
Enjoy the dog's fear. Revel in it. See the white of the dog's eye? That's fear.

If you found this report useful, keep an eye out for Crystal's future reports "How to Stalk and Kill a Preschooler", "How to Stalk and Kill a Jehovah's Witness", and "How to Invest your Money Wisely in Today's Turbulent Market, Take the Proceeds, and Use them to Stalk and Kill a Fat Kid".

1 comment:

kate.d. said...

again, laughing out loud. a lot.