Friday, October 21, 2005

Growing up Male

Ok, as we all are aware of by now, there are definite differences between the sexes. If you are unaware of these differences, I suggest you either (a) start paying attention, or (b) consult a physician immediately.

In the interests of understanding and harmony, I would like to educate you ladies as to some of the odd little quirks and experiences which are particular to the male gender. I am not in any way claiming that men are superior to women, or that our trials and tribulations are more or less difficult than those of women. We'll just take that as read.

Condition: Bus Rod
Age Group: Suffered by young men, aged 13-19 (with possible relapses later in life)
Description: Bus rod is caused by the natural rocking motions of any type of large, motorized vehicle. These rocking motions cause an unfortunate simulation of the genitals, which in turn cause an egorgement of said tube steak. While seated, this is not a problem, but when the afflicted individual reaches his stop and has to stand, the tent he has created is quite noticeable. This condition has caused more than one young man to miss his stop.

Condition: Urinal Wall Mucus Art
Age Group: All (as soon as you can pee standing up)
Description: This condition is characterized by extreme nausea and discomfort during the usage of public urinals (you know, those stand-uppy-trough things that guys are forced to pee into). For some reason unknown to anyone with a reasonably functional brain, some men insist on picking their noses at the urinal, and wiping the resulting nose-litter on the wall (even though it would be just as easy, and way less disgusting, to flick the nostril cheese into the urinal). When a normal, non-idiotic male comes along later to use the urinal, he is forced to stare at a wall that contains anywhere from 0 to 27 dried nostril smears (like some kind of insanely disgusting Connect the Dots puzzle). Scientists have studied the phenomenon of UWMA, and have come to several possible conclusions about the individuals who smear their snot on the wall: (a) they are fucking cretinous toads; (b) they are mentally deficient (possibly due to the ravages of a disease such as siphilis; or (c) their brains stopped developing at the age of 4.


Kim Ayres said...

Ah, Bus-Rod - the poor man's viagra...

kats said...

Oh Yuk!!!!