Sunday, November 27, 2005

Advances in Quiff Sciences

Famed researcher Asher Hunter, a leading expert in the field of Quiffropology, today announced a breakthrough identification of a previously unidentified species of sub-quiff. For those who are unfamiliar with Professor Hunter's works, it was he who first successfully identified the hitherto un-named "quiff".

A quiff is a particular type of human being that has developed a unique defense mechanism to help it adapt to its living environment. Imagine, if you will, a strange person who approaches you in a bar, or on the bus, or waiting for an elevator, etc., to initiate conversation. This individual is in some way, shape or form, objectionable and is not, in a perfect world, someone with whom you would ever wish to initiate a conversation.

The quiff will usually begin its conversational salvo by asking you a relatively innocuous question, such as "So what do you do for a living" or "how are you". Invariably, the respondent will deliver a relatively short response, designed to be polite, but not to indicate any particular interest in continuing the conversation. Responses such as "I'm an accountant" or "Fine".

The quiff then ignores your response, and spends the next 15 gruelingly dull moments describing, in detail, their job and/or current state of health. They spare no detail, and reveal aspects of their life in sometimes brutally frank and inappropriate detail.

It is sometimes easy for the amateur to mistake a quiff for an asshole. After all, the asshole shares many of the same habitats as the quiff, and exhibits many of the same behaviours. Their colouration is also remarkably similar. However, the true expert has learned to identify the major markings of a quiff.

A quiff possesses a special scent gland that emits subtle pheromones that trigger their victim's pity sensors, and overload them with pathos. The quiff somehow seems too delicate, too fragile, and too emotionally vulnerable to escape. The victim sits quietly, nodding his head as he looks over the quiff's shoulder at the TV, hoping the quiff will eventually get the idea and just go away.

Once again, this simply play's into the quiff's preferred attack plan. As long as you are willing to sit quietly and give the quiff even the smallest whiff of attention, the quiff is happy to sit and talk, detailing exciting aspects of their lives such as the time the guy at the Horton’s gave the quiff change for a $10 when all he gave him was a fin.

At this point, all other individuals in the area have successfully identified the quiff by its attack patterns, as well as by the subsonic cries of distress emitted by the quiff's victim, as it constantly thinks to itself, over, Would you please just go the fuck away? Why can't he see that I'm not interested? Why won't he fuck off?

Once a quiff has been identified, no one - and I mean no one - will come near a quiff as it is feeding on its victim. The quiff's victim will sit quietly, wondering why no one - even the waitress - will come rescue him. This is because, were the tables turned, everyone knows that the victim would not have rescued them. Even your best friend in the world will suddenly develop the urge to go play a game of darts, leaving you to the quiff's un-tender mercies.

The quiff survives of a diet of concentrated pathos, generated by the individuals it manages to corner. As they require large amounts of this pity-power, it is not unusual for a quiff to feed off of one individual for hours at a time. After this feeding has ended, and the quiff has moved on, victims are usually considered to be irritable and slightly dizzy.

Tonight, I spotted a hitherto unidentified sub-specie of quiff. This is the Retail Quiff. The Retail Quiff finds its victims in positions of public service. People like cab drivers, or convenience store employees who, due to the restrictions placed upon them by their positions, cannot simply walk away from the quiff while it is talking.

They will stand there in a variety store for hours upon hours, talking to the poor, stunned individual behind the counter, and recounting in detail the time they had to go to the hospital to have a cyst squeezed.

Professor Hunter is currently pioneering new methods and defenses for use against the quiff. These techniques are still currently under construction, but results will be shared just as soon as results can be verified.


Paula said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

you should go into the business of selling curare darts, professor - very handy when quiffs are around

Anonymous said...

Quiffs, not to be confused with Quiefs.

punkinsmom said...

I like to begin with a comment about the weather....

kats said...

I'm a quiff magnet. I hide behind a good book or a newspaper- still it doesn't work.


Asher Hunter said...

Kats, sadly hiding does not work. For a creature who feeds off of pity, the quiff is completely without pity itself. It will violate any of our standard protections to get what it needs.

Don't worry though, research is still in progress, and we are hoping for a breakthrough soon!