Monday, November 28, 2005

Quiff Self-Defence

As promised, today we will be discussing the best methods of self defence against a quiff attacker. As previously discussed, the quiff can be an incredibly difficult assailant to deal with, due to their natural defensive powers. The quiff is so incredibly pathetic that you just can't walk away from it, or treat it rudely.
When cornered by a quiff, most people just try to zone out, and hope that someone will come along and save them. As we have also previously discussed, no one in their right mind will knowingly approach a quiff, so there is no hope from that quarter.
Here is the sad but simple truth: There is absolutely no defense which can be employed against a lone quiff. I wish I could tell you otherwise, but I'm afraid that is the truth. The quiff is just too well-adapted to its chosen hunting grounds for you to be able to come up with a ploy that will work.
However, there is hope. While you cannot hope to escape a solitary quiff, a quiff can be defeated by introducing it to another quiff. Once the two quiffs are engaged in conversation, all you have to do is excuse yourself to use the washroom, and then run like the devil himself is after you. The two quiffs will lock into a conversation that will continue for hours and hours, freeing you - and those around you - from the terror of attack.
Below, you will find some factual information about the quiff, taken from my book "Quiff Hunting in the Modern Age".
Appearance: Sadly, there is no one established set of physical traits common to quiffs. Quiffs are masters of disguise, and blend into the surrounding crowds seemlessly. There are some subtle signs that the individual in question may be a quiff - such as a vague, lonely look to the eyes - but, while some quiffropologists swear by them, others disagree.
Habitat: The quiff has adapted to every known environment, and can be found on all continents and in all countries. All that is required for a quiff to survive is for there to be someone to listen to it.
Behaviour: A quiff tends to search out individuals - either singly or in groups - that it can engage in conversation. Typical opening gambits include phrases such as "Where did you go on holiday this year", "So, what do you do for a living", or "Does this look infected?".
Sub-Species: Quiffs are known collectively as quiffus dominatio, or "dominant quiff", due to their abilities to totally monopolize any conversation or social situation. The Retail Quiff (quiffus propola) specializes by attacking people in the services industry, who cannot flee them easily. While other sub-species of quiff exist, they have yet to be catalogued.

1 comment:

Lord Lessismore said...

Um, I don't know if this piece of verbal fluff ever traveled out of the state of Ohio in the US where I spent my adolescent years but a quiff for us inane 15 year old Ohio boys was slang for 'pussy fart.' I haven't been able to stop thinking of that as I've read through these posts of yours and it has made them both more funny and harder to follow because of the cognitive dissonance going on in my wee little head...