Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Night of the Living Rant

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Ok, I have a few things that I would like to get off my chest. First, the movie Doom. If you have not yet seen this movie, then I urge you, for the sake of your very soul, refrain from doing so. To say that this movie was shit is to sully the good name and reputation of shit.

To begin, it was completely and utterly filled with standard bullshit stock characters, with no deviation, no variation, and no identifiable human characteristics. You could pluck any one of these characters out of the movie and plop it down into any other piece of crap without any real noticeable effect. Secondly, the movie almost mirrors the plotline of Aliens. Every beat is the same. While Aliens had some validity as a movie, Doom reads worse than the worst high-school amateur film production. The dialogue could have been generated by a fucking computer, assuming it was a particularly retarded computer.

When I got home, I wrote a letter to the theatre (which, in the interests of anonymity, will be referred to as Silver City Burlington, which is its real name). This is the letter:

I recently attended your theatre to watch a movie called Doom. While I found your attendants whimsical and charming, I'm afraid I cannot say the same for the movie. Doom not only failed to live up to my already low expectations, but also actually caused me to renegotiate my entire estimation of what could be considered a bad movie. While normally I might rate a move on a scale of 1 to 10, in the case of Doom I'm afraid the only rating that comes to mind is "suckass".

The movie was directed by Andrzej Bartkowiak, who, as far as I can see, probably never actually showed up on any of the days of filming. I prefer to believe that, rather than to accept the possibility that someone of even remotely human ancestry could regard that pile of vomitous celluloid pus as anything other than an abomination, better sealed in an iron safe, which was then welded shut and dropped off the side of a ocean liner overtop of the deepest sub-oceanic trench than to ever be shown to another human being again.

If, in fact, Mr. Bartkowiak actually did actively direct this movie, then I am pleased to announce that he has been voted in as the honourary King of the Suckweasels, and will hold the position for the rest of his life.

While it is normally not my habit to complain to the theatre simply because a movie they show is bad, in this case I simply had to make an exception. After all, if I order a meal in a restaurant, and it later causes me to vomit blood and shoe leather, I would definitely say something to the restaurant owners. While, in this case, the eye-poison that was Doom caused no directly visible physical symptoms or manifestations, it has, I suspected, polluted my very soul.

Yours sincerely,

Garry Sled

And now, ladies and gentleman, my next rant. This one is kind of a rant-by-proxy, as its about something that happened to my friend Anna. She goes to the McDonalds near where we work quite often. Now Anna is a bit of a weird duck (yes you are!), and she likes to have Big Mac special sauce (which, I suspect, is thousand islands dressing mixed with heroin) on her Big Extra burger.

Now, this is not a problem at any McDonalds, except for the one near our work. There, they seem to feel that the very idea of polluting the pure ambrosia that is the Big Extra by cross-pollinating it with Big Mac special sauce is not acceptable. In fact, they refused to do so when requested, stating that to add the special sauce to the Big Extra would somehow magically fucking transform it into a Big Mac. Despite the clear difference in (a) the size, and (b) the number of the burger patties. Oh, and the extra fucking piece of bun in the middle, you encephalic register monkeys.

So the staff there will only provide the Big Mac special sauce on the side. Clearly, if such an evil and vile act as violating the individualized Burger Sanctity of a specially designed, crafted, prepared and presented McDonalds burger is about to take place, the staff at the Burlington McDonalds clearly wishes to distance themselves from said act, and to register their vote of silent protest.

Clearly, people work at this McDonalds because they lack the organizational and professional skills to succeed as a newspaper delivery person.

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Slim said...

Dude, there's nothing like a good solid rant to warm the cockles of my heart :-)

Thanks for sharing

Bernie said...

Heh heh - he said "cockles".

Rach said...

Ash -
I am on the blogger short bus. I can't get the little number box at the bottom but signed up.

I want to add links to blogs (like yours) and can't figure that out either.

Your truly,
Lady of the Wiggly Ass

Daxohol said...

Best complaint letter ever!

BStrong said...

You crack me up. I'm going to hire you the next time I need to send a complaint letter.

I think you need to write one for your friend. Maybe McDonalds will send her a 50 gallon drum of special sauce.